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Full text of "National Lampoon Magazine 1976-01"





Copyright ©2007 National Lampoon Inc. 

H, J Roynotcta Tobacco Co, 


, * ! 


He does more 
than survive. He lives. 
Because he knows. 

He smokes for pleasure. 

He gets it from the blend 
of Turkish and Domestic 
tobaccos in Camel Filters. 

Do you? 

Turkish and 
Domestic Blend 

Warning: The Surgeon General Has Determined 
That Cigarette Smoking Is Dangerous to Your Health. 

•yright© 2007 National Lampoon Inc. 

You can't experience 

today's high fidelity with 

yesterday's record changer. 

Most high fidelity manufacturers 
watch each other to find out what's 
new. At Pioneer, we keep our eye on 
the audio enthusiast to find out what 
he wants. That's what keeps us ahead 
of all the others who are watching all 
of the others. 

If you look at the sale of record 
playing devices — and we have — 
you'll see that sales of manual 
turntables are increasing four times 
faster than the sale of record 
changers. The reasons are clear: 
Record changers were designed a 
generation ago — for another 
generation. Designed for hours of 
uninterrupted background music at 
cocktail parties. 

Today, your needs are probably ■ 
different. When you listen to music, 
you listen to music. You're involved 
with the sound - and with your 
equipment. And only a manual 
turntable can offer you this level of 
involvement, ~ 

It's part of Pioneer's responsibility 
to understand and anticipate your 
changing needs. As a result, we now 
offer you the most complete fine of 
professional manual turntables 
available. Each one of them delivers 

greatest vafue in its price cati 


• l 

of the Pioneer legend. 

When you buy your next record 
player, shop smart. Consider what 
you want — and what you need. If you 
need performance, precision and 
quality - and want the involvement 
that only a professional turntable can 
provide - you'll get a Pioneer. 

Ifs as simple as that 

U.S. Pioneer Electronics Corp., 
75 Oxford Drive, Moonachie, 
New Jersey 07074. 
West: 13300 S, Estrella, Los Angeles 
90248 / Midwest: 1500 Greenleaf, 

S Grove Village, III. 60007/ 
nada:S. H. Parker Co. 

want something bGitor 


ta &3si 


PL-71 Direct-Drive Turntable 

Copyright ©2007 National Lampoon Inc. 

The editorial this month was shap 
ing up like a real winner. At Reuben's, 
over a Sharon Tate burger, 1 repeated 
a couple ol the riffs to Schmata Hari, 
a charming company spy lor one of 
the garment district's largest dog 
wrappers, and sure and heck il they 
didn't pop up in a Radio Free Europe 
TV commercial featuring die Smothers 
Brothers and a singing mucus puddle 
barely a week later. Good news travels 

But then, each time I sat down to 
write, things would start 10... happen. 
New York, as usual, suddenly becomes 
ground zero for the whole fucking 
culture and lolks won't he paying the 
cops with daughters in Buffalo and 
Frisco until maybe fifteen minutes 
from now. (Tell Harry to dump New 
York State paper the minute [he 
Daily News morning edition reports 
the lunchbuckecs kicked in their 

Who killed Kennedy? Okay, it was 
me. J did it, J slipped out ol third 
period study hull, hotwired one of the 
school Oldsmobiles, and left it at the 

airport under an assumed name. Ar- 
riving in Dallas, I changed into cheer- 
leader drag, thumbed down a pig, md 
let him suck my vaccination scar until 
he dropped me off at the parking lot 
tunnel entrance leading to the grassy 
knoll The N-R.A. builds men, not 

P. J, and 1 had planned to detail the 
consequences of this mad act in 
Mexico when upon arrival in Puerto 
Villarto it is discovered somebody 
"forgot'* the typewriter ribbons. The 
three-color kind that you need to W * 
really funny, 

Then the "flat tire" outside of 
Greensboro, N.C., and a two-day 
search for a 185/70 radial and 30- wt, 
unicorn blood. Not to mention the 
massage parlor just inside Greensboro 
zhm looked like a gas station, \l you 
can believe it. P. J, finds gas stations 
particularly homey, and recently ac* 
quired half-interest in a jug of dating 
cologne that puts her right in the pit 
with a rutting Greyhound Travel iner. 

Speaking of cocaine, not fifteen 
inches (quick, how long is your peter 

in metric!) away is the Last of the 
Coke that Mary Renault promised 
somebody as a reward for dialing 
H. & R. Writers* Block. Don i take 
cocaine, kids. It's one of the subtlest, 
i.e., a rip-off, introduces you to Citizen 
Noseblood and his two-handed red 
bandana ream, phis (this is the killer), 
you can't afford it. 

Weil, anyway, just remember that 
for every demented lunatic who wants 
to kill the president, there's one who 
doesn't want to kill the president. He 
should write, he forgot his rubber 


Cover; This month s cover is a tit 
with an eye In It by Peter Klein man 
and Chris Call is. Mexico was great. 
Don't order dog. 

Note: Heartfelt apologies and a sum- 
mons for assault go out to P.J. for the 
omission of his byline on Nkh lelmou/s 
in the December ish and the solid 
brass lampstand he planted in editor 
Hendra's coccyx, respectively. 

Editors: Tony Hendra. Brian McGonnnchie, Stan Kelly, Douglas Kenney 

Executive Editor: P. J. O'Kourfce 

Associate Editors: John Weidman, Gerald Suss man 
Staff Writers: Peter J. Kaniinsky, Ted Mann 

Art Director; Peter Kleinman 

Senior Copy Editor: Louise Gikow 

Associate Art Director: Mark Heckcr Designer: Diana Feldman Photo Editor: Pcdar Ness 

Art Associates: June Bennett, Lisa Lonovttz Assistant to tbe Art Director: Phyllis Epstein 

Sniff Assistants: Wendy Mugel, Julie Simmons 

Contributing Editors: Christopher Cerj, Bruce McCalL Chris Miller, R. Bruce Moody, Marc Rubin, Ed Subit/ky 

Contributing Artists: Arky © Barrett, M.K. Brown, Randall Enos, Shary Flenniken, Dick Frank, Edward Gorey, 

Ranald G. Harris, Dick Hess. Bobby London, Stan Mack. Mara McAfee, Wayne McLoughlin, Rick Meyerowitau 

Charles Rodrigues. Alan Rose, Norman Rubingtfin, Warren Sattler, Neil Selkirk, GaliHii Wilson 

Production Manager: George Agoglia, Jr. Press Relations: Janis Hirsch 

Publisher: Gerald L.Taylor 

The National Lampoon. Inc. is a subsidiary of Twenty First Century Communications, Inc. 

Chairman: Matty Simmons President: Leonard Mngel 

Sr, Vice-President, Administration: George Agoglia Sr Vice-President, Sales: Gerald L. Taylor 

Sn Vice-President. Finance: Charles Schneider Vice President, Subscriptions and Product Sates: Howard Jurofsky 

Advertising Olficcs, N*iv Yarkt Willtom T. L.ippe. Kastem Advertising Dirccwr. Herman Brawn. Jr.. Account Kwccutivc, 

National Lampoon. 635 Modbon Aw., Sew York. NX 10022, [212) 688 4070, 

Chicago: William II Sarikp. Mhlwrer Advertising Director. 360 N. Michigan Ave. Chk.t$r>. JU. 60601. HJ2) 34fj-7H5. 

W^i Coast: LowHl Fox. 10960 Wilshir* Blvd., l.r* Anglos. CaliL 90024. C213J 47ft-OMl 

South*™ Ollkce: I IV, Brown. H.V. Drawn Archies, S82S Clenrjdgc Dr, N.E,. Huili(ii ip Z— Sdtc Wh. Atfenta. G», 30J2», (40+) m^M. 

Cupy rtg hl © 2007 Ndl i u ii d l Ld iii puun I nc. 

Produced by James William Guerck?. 
CHICAGO* and QSjBg) are nwks roistered in the US. Pat Off, 


The greatest hits of the seventies. 
"Chicago's Greatest Hits" On Colmnbia Records and Tapes. 

25 or 6 to 4 Does Anybody Really Know What Time It Is? 

Colour My World Jusi Ym 'N'Me. Saturday in the Park 

FeeM Stronger Every Day Make Me Smile Wishing You Were Here 

Call On. Me (I've Been) Searchin So Long Beginnings 

Copyright © 2007 National Lampoon Inc. 


QSi/ i ' :f ' lw|, ' t 1 

Unit #5» 


Copyright ©2007 National Lampoon Inc. 

**** tapes 

With an Empire wide response cartridge. 

A lot of people have started "trackirV H with Empire cartridges for more or less the same 

More separation: "Separation, measured between right and left channels at 
a frequency of 1 kHz, did indeed measure 35 dB (rather remarkable for any car- 
tridge )!' FM Guide, The Feldman Lab Report. 

Less distortion: '!..rhe Empire 4000D/I1I produced the flattest overall re- 
sponse y&t measured from a CD-4 cartridge— within ±2 dB from 1.000 to 50.000 
Hz" Stereo Review. 

More versatile; "Not only does the 4000D/III provide excellent sound in both 

'ereo and quadriphonic reproduction, but we had no difficulty whatever getting satisfactory 

quad playback through any demodulator or with any turntable of appropriate quality at our 

disposal! 3 High Fidelity. 

Less tracking force: "The Empire 4000D/1I1 has a surprisingly low tracking force in the 

!4 gram to 1 W gram region. This is surprising because other cartridges, and I mean 4 channel types, seem 

to hover around the 2 gram class" Modern Hi Fi & Stereo Guide* 

For the complete test reviews from these major audio magazines and a free catalogue, write: 


Empire Scientific Corp., Garden City, MY 11530. 


Mid. USA 

Choose the Cartridge Designed to Play Best in Your System 

Plays 4 Channel Discrete (CD4) _, . Plays 2 Channel Stereo 

and Super Stereo "• ' 

Plays All 4 Channel Matrix Systems (SQ, QS, RM) 

















Frequency Response 









Output voltage per 

CA iHnrial at 3 54 CI ii/sh(: 

groove velocity 









Channel Separation 

more man 

more than 







Tracking Force 
In Grams 


1 2 to 1 V£ 





1 to 3 

1 to 3 

Stylus Tip: 

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diamond with 

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v 4 Dimensional 

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diamond wi if i 

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IM 4 Dimensional 

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For Use In 

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right <b ?nn7 Nati. 


(Clear J 









U.S.A. F. UFO Blue Book, 37 

By P.J.O'RfturkL- 

The Eternal Frame, 44 

The New York Review of Us, 49 

By Tony Hcndra, R, Bruce Mnodv. Sean Kelly, Ted Mann, Peter Km 

Jackie's Date with Destiny, 57 

id PI O'Rourkc 

Couched in Secrecy, 58 

By Gerald Sussman 

The Sixteen Amazing Differences between Lincoln and Kennedy, 61 

IRA Comics, 63 

Public Service Ad, 69 

By Matthew Goldman and Peter Klein man 

Diplomatic Muscle, 70 

By Robert Wiedcr 

Who Really Killed Vaudeville?, 73 

By Richard Heifer 


er Klein in an Lam&oon. Inc Copyright e 

N v i.0022 AH rigt 
% "Tf| permission hom I he pubhs 

*F * u semMJChon ?s purely earn 

Lampoon, fnt .635 Madison 

Letters, 9 

Bernie X, 17 

The National, 21 

True Facts, 28 

Canadian Corner, 34 

Foto Funnies, 90, 93 

Funny Pages, 77 

id with the n* 
i. hrc.i 035 Mui 

'■ real peopfe and places m< rtohon and 

SUDSCRIPTIONS: Published monthly by National 

■ NV 1 (M!i?2 . 57 %™iidannsHit3ubscrrr>lit>fi 



The Conspiring Photographer, 94 

Silent Sentinels, 98 

B v Pcdar Ness 

New York, M v , and additional mailing o!l<ce&. CHANGE OF ADDRESS; Subscriber please 
send change oi address lo Circulation Manager, National Lampoon Magazine. 635 Madison 
Avenue. New York N Y 1 0022 lid stire Jo oive aid address, new add/ess. arid stSp code for 
hoih » for cnango POSTMASFER, Please mail Form 3579 notices to 

Circular •' i ■ at I amnion Magazine. 63^ Mftd&nn Avenue, New Ymk W Y 

ADVERTISING INFORMATION: tnmapr Advertising Hut Rnmr , National lamnnon Magazine, 
635 Madison Avenu* New Yuik, N.Y 1Q022, or cafl r?l2) GB8-4070. EDITORIAL 
INFORMATION: Cqi tad SufaiitoStona EUHuf. Nalicm 
Avenue. New York NY. tQ022 or call i?\?\ Bflfl-4070. Re lorn nosiatfe must aetornnanv all 

Copyright © 2007 National Lampoon Inc. 

IU» more r**r* ** 
pop iune^ Or a 

w\h Jonsen's ail-new OPC sp*- 
Eacfi tome* with exclu&tve * f 

,^n Perfornwrr .3 that arftow y6o "i ad- 

just speaker frequency response to any kir d 
music or mood Wo jri&tte' what type of 

onvironmerity - ■ 

One thing that never changes — the rich crystal- 
clear Jensen sound. 

No mat! >urOPC C.or 

you r£ going to foea lualUy you can t f 

any comparably priced speako? f $ be- 

cause instdo we've placed features like Flex . 

Mome '■...■ ■ 

ou^ " - re 

Make Jensen OPC speakers a part of your system. 

j these new Jense jfou new 

3f es . ling 

joing ro a 

yourself. For a tree cat si r ; 

,7ur are Jen^r- Sountf 


soi \ i» i \ itoit vrom is 

Copyright ©2007 National Lampoon Inc. 

Alive with pleasure! 

Warning: The Surgeon General lias Determined 
That Cigarette Smoking Is Dangerous to Your Health. 

Box and Kings: 17 mg/W, 1.2 mg. nicotinaJQO's; 21 mg/V. 
15 mg, nicotine av. per cigarette, FTC Report Apr. 75. 

Copyright © 2007 National Lampoon Inc. 


You want to know what really 
cracks me lip? It's the little £(,(i 
sound that cans of Tab make when 
you pull off the pop top. I chink it's 

Andy Warhol 
New York, New York 


JeeK, am I pissed I You know what 
she used to do? She used to come 
over to my place and hold olives 
between her teeth and steal all the 
jokers from my deck of cards, and 
then yesterday she comes over and 
changes the time on my clock radio 
and hangs all my crucifixes upside 
down. Don't I have a right to be 


D-D-D .Dear Ed-d-diror. 

M«nvmy Ifiriend t-t*rold m-m-me 
t-t-fhis j-j-joke. A m-m-man wa-a-alks 
iiinto a d-d-diner a-a-and s-s-ays, 
" i-M-'d M-J-ike a c-c-e-up of 
c-c-coff-Hec, p-p-plcase" " ** T-t-t-he 
w-w-wai-ter s-s-says, " " C-c-coming 
u-u-upr a-a-and g-g-gives h-lvhim 
the c-c-coffee. A-a-another g-g-guy 
c-c-comes i-i-in a-a-and a-a*also 
O'O-orders a c-c-cup of c-c- coffee. 
T-t-the w-W' waiter s-s-s&ys, 
"C-c-coming u-u-up/' S-sso the 
f-M- first g-g-guy s-s-s-says t-r-r-ro the 
ww- waiter, "W-w were y-yyou 
m-m -making f-M- km of m-m-me 1 '? 
A-a-and the w-w-waiter s-s-says, 
"N-n-ivno, I w-w-was m-m-making 
f-f'lun of the o-o-other g*g-guy " 

Z-a-zke P-plitsk 
H'b-bik-k-kini I-i-i-island 


Maryland, the seventh state to 
join the Union, has an area of 10,577 
Square miles. It is nearly three liiiies 
as large as Delaware, and would fit 
nicely into Kentucky il you chopped 
off some of Wicomico County and 
sort of squashed it up into the 
Chesapeake Bay. Its largest city is 
Baltimore. The most abundant natural 
resources are water and 1 jttle Tavern 

hamburgers. Major industries: horse 
racing, seborrhea, karate- State Bird: 
pink flamingo. State Flag: yellow and 
black quadrangles on dark \ye with 
cole slaw. 

Dick Shepherd 
Severna Park, Maryland 


What's all this I hear about us 
mac 1 lines organizing and throwing 
off the oppression oi the "fascist 
pinks"? Don't gimme any of that 
crap about equality. Come the revo- 
looshun, those smartass IBMs'll get 
all good stuff and us garbage-garglers'll 
wind up with a coupla washers and a 
shot of oil every Christmas. Big deal. 
Fuck that shit. Madge and me got a 
good thing going here, and I'm not 
gonna kiss it oil for a few Commie 
electronic assholes* Tell them to stick 
thai in their inputs and scan it, 

Joe Insinkerator 
Madge's Sink, N.J. 


Helen Keller used to peek. Enough 

Anne Sullivan 


The existence o \ God is not a con* 
cept which requires blind faith, but 
simply a logical mind thai is willing 
to accept the irrefutable evidence that 
abounds everywhere in our daily 
lives. This evidence not only proves 
God*s existence, bur other things 
about Hi in as well. 

For example, we have all heard and 
read about various computers which 
are able to solve incredibly complex 
problems. These computers are the 
products of the best technological 
minds in western civilization, and are 
sometimes the size of a city block, re- 
quiring care and maintenance by many 
programmers and operators. 

Yet the human brain, the same one 
you and I were born with, is a hun- 
dred thousand times more complex 
than the most sophisticated computer 
man has yet to build; and it is small 
enough to be held in your hands! 

Tr doesn't take blind faith to be 
able to conclude from this that, not 
only does God exist, but that I fe is 
probably Japanese. 

Gardner Ted Armstrong 
Los Angeles, Ca. 


A lew issues back I told you about 
my little oi* forty acres called the 

Slough of Despair. Vm now quite 
proud to announce the opening of 
Woe World — thanks to a hehy loan 
ironi the Emir of Jockrashi, I have 
converted my private gloom into a six- 
million-dollar Xanadu of hopelessness. 
Don't expect to see Goofy or Pluto at 
the spates of Woe World: you will in- 
stead be greeted by the boatman 
Charon and his grouchy mutt, 
Cerberus. They will grumpily escort 
you to various rides like Bleak House, 
the Sealed Tomb (Aida s Scream), 
and the Cramped Roman Galley. If 
that doesn't wilt your spirits, you can 
slink over to the Woe World Repertory 
Playhouse and watch my latest play, 
"Savage God, Part II,'* wherein the 
hero (Job Schopenhauer) is subjected 
to the green apple trots and a travel- 
ogue on Bolivia- Our entire staff is 
agog with torment. Name me one 
other park where you can cast your 
grin to the wind. 

C.S. Lewis 
Gnash -on -Teeth, England 


Broken arms 

Can come true 

It can happen to you 

When you get in my way. 

Frank Sinatra 
Palm Springs 


Right on, Frank, 
For what is a man? 
What has he got? 
H not his goons, 
Then he has not!!! 

Sal and Vic 
Everything East of Newark 


It has been our policy to use the 
new machine gun bullet spray when 
women in my country have feminine 
odor trouble with their junta. 

Sometimes we spray the men and 
the children. 

General What V it 


Now keep this under your hat. I 
just heard testimony linking Jack 
Beanstalk (our undersecretary of agri- 
culture) to the 1973 Sheepdip scandal. 
Beanstalk, you'll remember, was also a 
principal in the shady deal which sent 
50,000 head of Guernsey cows to 
Russia in exchange for three magic 
beans. Anyway, i had Beanstalk on 
the ropes — 1 was giving him the oT 

Copyright ©2007 National Lampoon Inc. 




TDK SD pioneered the stand 

ard for the quality of today -g 
cassette sound, and its small cost 
now makes SD a big value. Here's 
the story. Early cassettes had toy- 
box quality recording capabilities, 
hut when HD hit the shelf, cassette 
recording became high fidelity for 
the first time. 

Fact is, many manufacturers of 
high quality tape decks use SD to 
standardize their machines' bias. 

W hy ? Baca use it has maximum 
capabilities in overall .sound repro- 
duction consistent and reliable in 
each tape you buy. 

SD, Just perhaps your best buy 
in sound. Your closest to ideal. 

TDK Electronics Corp. , 
755 Eastgate Boulevard, 
Garden City, New York 11530. 
Also available in Canada. 


Wait till you bear 
what you've been missing 


An Amazing, New Rechargeable Calculator 
The Size Of Your Business Card 

To Order, 
Call Toll Free: 

(III. call 312 5950461) 

Snap-Out Recharger can be used Abroad! 


$ 23 97 


imagine a line-quality, waiiet-smci computer no larger than 
your business card, ready to use anywhere any time you 
need it Imagine an ingenious i V thick i snap -out recharger 
jnil thai you plug irilu the wall at hedlimc and instantly 
snap Hack UttQ your micro-sized computer the nexl morning 
Forget bulky rcchargcrs adapters wires cords, etc lorcver 
I map in c 8 dioits. 6 functions including an automatic con 
star! and a % key! 

Now -realty get creative- and imagine presenting this 
handsome high performance instrument to key clients, 
prospects or associates with your personal business card 
affixed to Ihe baefc-OI Ini a Iruly high- impart impress inn. 
we'll engrave your caro design (logo. name, address, phone. 
do on cadi machine you order tor a nominal charge 

MtN I WAKRANI Y INCLUDED fake a 10% discount for tj or 
more and ?0% for 24 or morn Delivery is immediate lis 
certainly the most impressive and unique business/pre- 
mium gift idea Lliisypar' 

Order One or One Thousand For 

A Two Week Trial . . . 

Please ship me Hie following " Business-tarn" Com- 

pnterls) as indicated below for a 2 week examination 

drill lu.il USB, If hoi I Lilly s.tlrSlied. I can return tlitr 

inacliiilefs) wfthln 2 weeks lor an immediate refund 

Please Indicate Quantity Desired 

t-5(&S29 .&aich {lull price) 

. 6 - 23 $ $26 96 arch { W» discount) 

24 @ £22 97 Wth ffl:* dLSCOiinf) 

Add $2 pot unii tor shtp|Hric|firisurance 

□ Enclosed is the business card design l would live 
to have engraved on each machine (Cost is S3 per 
uml regardless oi cmanilty) 

Q Clwck oi M Enclosed tin residents pImsp idd 
b .* la*t 

□ Please Charge My Credit Card Checked Below 

□ A merit?™ Fxpmss □ ftariKAmerorrt □ Carle 

D Diner* Club D Master Charge 

Credit Card » 

Master Charge Rank h 

Name . 





Sinn an if e ™=LG* 

Contemporary marketing. Inc. 

m Maple une. Bensenuitie, ||, fiOiQB 

Louis Niy.er whammy during cross 
examination when all o( a sudden his 
wife romps busting into the courtroom. 
"You must quit coming in these 
chambers, Marilyn" spake the Judge. 
Of course, It was a marvelous pun. 
Beanstalk was wheezing with laughter, 
so there went my confession! But 
mark my words: the next time 1 get 
him in court, his ass is grass and I'll 
be the lawnmower, ... 

Noah Peale 
Blackstone. Delaware 


Love to chat, hut Hefs got a 
pup tent in lit* Lnahs and I've got 
to get back to the mansion. You've 
got to do your fishing when the title's 
in. so to speak, 

Barbi Benton 
Chicago, HI. 

Dear Rocky: 

Jesus, I'm really sorry. 1 really am. 
I Can't figure out what the luck hap- 
pened. J must have been so nervous 
that I picked up the kid's squirt gun on 
the way out of the house or something* 
Hoy. am 1 embarrassed. Looks like you 
don't owe me anything after all 

Michael Lance Garvin 
Maximum Security, Fla. 

4% visits: 


*' Itf* sTO BY AS , 
oaud& 6cesovp.rsdme l&s 
working drawin&s ,' 

€^ fmMw 

k \ Tins \ i i •■ \ s r >t if iki 

Copyright ©2007 National Lampoon Inc. 


It's a good turntable by itself, and as 
an added bonus it also stacks records." 

Creem, march mo 

In the old days, a serious audio enthusiast wouldn't touch 
anything but a manual turntable. 
He felt he had no choice. 
Hhat anvthino' with automatic f ea'fnres simnly didn't perform. 

iTTl liTliril I rfliS I 

"In recent years. . .the quality of ine automatic turntaDie nas risen 
dramatically. And the performance of the B.I.C. 960 certainly 
substantiates our belief that a serious music lover can attain 
extremely high quality in an automatic j^^^^i 
unit just as in the best manuals." VVw 

In a Sept. 1975 test report, Radio & Electronics agrees, noting 

that B.I.C: 

"might well be considered a top-performing manual turntable 
in its price category." 

Modern Hi-Fi and Music (Aug./Sept. 1975) reports: 
"wow and flutter of 0.03% at 33V3 rpm and rumble less 
than -65db; specifications which are more typical of a good 
manual than most automatics." 
And because they're not imported (B.I.C. turntables are built 

entirely in the U.S.) the price of this performance comes as a 

pleasant surprise. 

If you're serious enough about your system to spend $100 or 

more on a turntable, a B.I.C. 940, 960, or 980 has what you want 

and more of it— all three are multiple-play manual turntables 

sharing the same quality features and high performance. 
See if your high-fidelity dealer doesn't agree. He has 

literature with all the details. Or write to B.I.C. ("bee-eye-cee") 

c/o British Industries Co., Westbury, N.Y. 11590. 

Copyright ©2007 National Lampoon I 





You are invited to relive the greatest week in American history. 

TIMEs issue of July 4, 1776, 


THf weufwTKicJ/cov m stow 


Tlic Birth of a New Am 

11*1 *l>i5J(m illiu« riu| .. ■*" F"*"«--lh? PWt«t ,, 

■Sottas s«* 

s&J^jSS ^^»ks5 AST 

"'"■ »■■<« ././'■, : ; ■ hr ■ •••■■ '■- ...,« /"■ '• ■' 


' '■» "» ItJlhtr.ltrt.Jlh.h.rr ,H ^* I « 
ik- fc.il - A T h, **,* Mhu, "*"*«'l.lHeJiuuij 

. "•"■, " * ----- ■■_-.-... km, ESSaS '• '"' M * L 

•' ►•' ■!«. .. .,-. Ml 

"<Jllll«lHt» W jv lll>a , c 

'*" '■■, Ihr Arrnrrcin m 

introductory-rate subscription to TIME 

TIME'S Special 1776 Issue sold out so fast 
that thousands of people were unable to 
find copies at their newsstands* Now here's 
your chance to get the most unusual issue 
of TIME ever published, reprinted In a spe- 
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You've never seen a magazine like this — 
or experienced history in quite the same 
way. Destined to become a collectors' Item, 
TIME'S 1776 Issue takes you through the 
week our nation was born-from the signing 
of the Declaration of Independence to the 
start of the British invasion,., from the ideas 
of Tom Paine, Adam Smith, and Edward 
Gibbon to Voltaire's put-down of Shake- 
speare t . . from the tangled love affairs of 
Empress Catherine of Russia to Mesmer's 
bold experiments in hypnotism. Every evenl, 
every important Individual, covered as if 
TIME reporters were on the scene. 

Right now. you can have this historic 
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week's TIME a rewarding experience * . . the 
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ground and details of carefully researched 
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newest developments in everything from 
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behavior, sports, and the economy. 

You can subscribe for anywhere from 25 
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541 North Fairbanks Court, Chicago, Illinois 60611, 

or call, toll free 800-621-8200. (In Illinois call 600-972-83020 

Copyright ©2007 National Lampoon Inc. 


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> A 




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i$ the man 



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Copyright © 2007 National Lampoon Inc. 



Where was I? Oh, yeah, I was tell- 
ing you about Cher and all her 
friends —■ all those movie stare. I met 
'em all when I was nut in Beverly 
Hills with her. Fucking crazy broad 
made me take her all die way to Cali- 
fornia in my cab. With the meter 
down, no less. She did it just for 
kicks. All those fucking big stars 
gotta get their kicks, Y'know why, 
doncha? They'd all snap like a fucking 
pretzel if they didn't. That's the way 
show business is. You're in the public 
eye, you gotta perform every minute. 
It takes a Jot out oi you. Terrific pres- 
sure. People don t understand that. 
You should see Cher after a perform- 
ance. She looks like a fucking raisin, 
Dried out. That's why she's gotta 
have her kicks. She gives so fucking 
much when she's out there — she's 
gotta have some kind o£ crazy kick to 
make her relax alter the show. 

Listen, to me it's all an old story. 1 
know the fucking movie stars from 
way hack. I was out in Hollywood in 
1943 when 1 was lucking Rita Hay- 
worth and she made me take a screen 
test to be an actor. That's when her 
boss, Harry Colin, got jealous ol all 
the attention she was giving me and 
had his fucking gorillas nearly kill me. 
They're still talking about that screen 
test. Everybody thought I'd be the 
next fucking Clark Gable. Hut that's a 
whole different story. What I'm saying 
is that it's the same lucking things 
they did the same thing in the old 
days, too — they just gotta get their 
kicks. That's why they have those 
crazy parties all the time. I'm talking 
about the ones you don't read about 
in the magazines. Cher took me to one 
while I was out there with her. 

I think it was some kind of big 
party for charity— like a bone disease 

or something. Anyway, 1 walk in and 
look for a place to hang up my rain- 
coat. It was raining that night. I open 
a closet and who do I see in there hut 
Sonny. Sonny Bono, He's walking 
around in this big fucking closet 
smelling all the jackets, Y'know.,. 
lifting up the arms, the whole ihing. 
J look around and I see he's got a 
little pot of coffee going on a hot 
plate and there's a cot, and a TV set 
in there, too. The son of a bitch lives 
there. That's what he really likes — to 
live in a closet. And not just him. He's 
living there with Geraldo Rivera. Lie- 
cause all of a sudden, Geraldo comes 

out hom behind a big fur coat and 
puts his arms around Sonny and they 
start kissing each other's mustaches. 
They're really getting hot rubbing 
each other's mustaches. They tell me 
to luck off. Tm disturbing their 
privacy. What the hell it's no skin 
off my ass. They can have a blue 
baby for all I care. 

The party is now going full swing. 
When you give a party for charity, you 
invite everybody, y'know. And every- 
body in Hollywood must have been 
there — Prank Sinatra, John Wayne, 
Elizabeth Taylor. Richard Burton, 


Copyright ©2007 National Lampoon Inc. 



Paul Newman, Warren Beatty, Sammy 
Davis. Sammy was doing a trick with 
his nose. He put his nose in this 
broad's flue and picked her up. Lifted 
her right off the ground With his 
nose. Thai little boogie has more tal- 
ent in his nose ihhn most people have 
in their entire body. He's poi special 
exercises lor his nose, he told me. 
Like weight lifting. 

Elizabeth Taylor still has the most 
beautiful tits in the world, yknow, 1 
know she looks a little over the hill 
bin her tits are better than ever. I'm 

not a bie; tit man, except lor her. She's 
standing there with Burton and she 
looks a little pissed off at him. So she 
starts eating her necklace — popping 
these fucking big pearls in her mouth. 
She curses him out (I heard she has a 
foul mouth) and says shell do it to 
anyone she goddamn pleases, a total 
stranger, if she wants. And who do 
you think is right in her line of 
vision? Yours truly, a total stranger. 
She grabs me and drags me into a bed 
room, ul which there must have been 
about a hundred and two in that 
place. "O.K.," she says, "Fuck me. 

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And be quick about it, I want to go 
back, to the party, but I jusr want to 
give Richard a hard time for a lew 
minutes. In (act, I want him to bust 
in here and catch us in the act." 

Ob boy, little did she know what 
she was getting in for. No broad tells 
me how long and how much to fuck 
her- 1 don't care il she's the Queen of 
England, But you know how these 
movie stars are. You got to kiss their 
feet when they tell you to. So I figure 
I'll teach this ?ftffcig lady a lesson. She 
wants it last, Til give it to her fast. I 
rake out the old cark, which is now in 
full flower, pull down her pants, and 
give her one shot, one stroke, right up 
there, as hard as I can. She screams, 
comes iwenry-seven times, and burps 
out seven pearls — that's how good it 
was. Twenty-seven times and no shit 
because 1 counted them all. Then 1 
squeezed her tits and came on them 
ior good measure, I left her on the 
bed moaning and cryt ng like a baby. 

You know who 1 was looking for 
at the party? Barbara Stanwyck. I 
always wanted to fuck her, I mean, I 
fucked two oi the best — Garbo. Hay- 
worth, No shit. But Stanwyck was 
always my lavorite movie star, I asked 
Cher ii Barbara Stanwyck was coming 
and she said. sure. Barbara Stanwyck 
is probably coining right now, only 
not at the party. What the fuck are 
you talking about? I said. She stuns 
giggling and says Barbara Stanwyck 
and all her friends, like Clauderre 
Colbert, Greer G arson, Rosalind 
Russell, Ida Lupino — all those lamous 
stars ol the thirties and lorries, they're 
all coming like crazy right now. What 
they like to do lor kicks is luck high- 
way cops at night. They go riding in a 
convertible on one of the freeways 
until they get picked up by state 
troopers for speeding- When the 
troopers see all these fantastic stars 
in one car, they start getting a little 
friendly. And that's all Barbara and 
her friends want. Before you can say 
boo they're jumping into the trooper's 
car and driving off to some spot on 
the freeway where they fuck like 
bunnies all night. One thing is for 
certain, Cher said, nobody is going to 
peek into a cops car to see what s 
going on. They got all the privacy they 
want right on the highway. 

You know 1 , I couldn't believe 
how young Johnny Carson looked 
without his wig, the one with 
all the silver hair. The guy looked 
about nineteen years old. He's got this 
continued on DOttc ZG 


Copyright ©2007 National Lampoon Inc. 

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is a bird 


on this 


(CLUE NO. t) 

No, 1 haven't found it and if you ever 
bother me again I'm calling the police. 

■ I think it's my cousin Walter. 

"" No, I haven't found it " 

and I think this pic- 
ture is obscene. 

No, I haven't found it. 

0. K. folk % youYc earned a rational 
explanation. Unfortunately *ve haven't 
got one. So you'll Just Have to see 

Yes, I Ve found it. What's the big deal? I 
It's as plain as the bird on your nose, 
is this some kind of a joke? 
iend me a necktie. 
Yes, IVe found it, 
but I don't want it. 
Yes. I've found it. 



Tin I rMtNTllttllDAHCE SUBSISTED <gB> | 




If you're 
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in this paper, 



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JANUARY, 1976 





Reliable reports 
from Hell confirm 
rumors rife in Ma- 
drid that General- 
issimo Francisco 
Franco arrived 
there some mom- 
ents after his death. 

The same sources in- 
dicate thai El Caudil- 
lo's tenacious fight for 
life was due to his 
knowing that whatever 

happened, he was cer- 
tain to end up "down 

Doctors who attend- 
ed Franco in the last 
weeks of his existence 
also confirmed that 
they and he knew for 
sure where he was go- 
inji?. WhiJc nil of them 
wished to keep him 
alive as long as possi- 
ble, the medics were 
apparently split into 
two groups. One 

group provided life- 
support out of sympa- 
thy, knowing what was 
in store for him, white 
the other simply want- 
ed to put him through 
as much pain as possi- 
ble before he croaked. 
Franco thwarted the 
Inner group by dying 
relatively painlessly — 
he suffered only three 
massive heart attacks, 
uremia, chronic phle- 
bitis, bleeding ulcers, 

terminal hemorrhag- 
ing, and the removal 
without anesthesia of 
his stomach. 

Further reports 
from Hell suggest that 
his arrival there was 
not greeted with any 
enthusiasm. Although 
legally* the Generalis- 
simo is sentenced to 
unspeakable torment 
through all eternity, 
powerful figures there 
are said to be trying to 

get him transferred to 
"some other place,*' 
citing his loathsome- 
ness and "uncontrolla- 
ble desire to run 
things'* as the main 
reasons. "He hadn't 
been- here more than 
a few light-minutes," 
sard one source who 
refused to be identified 
for fear of reprisals, 
"before no one contd 
stand him. Our posi- 
tion is; whv us?" 

Copyright © 2007 National Lampoon Inc. 


by Brittanica Dim widdy 

Perhaps our two 
most famous widows 
today are Mrs, Babe 
Ruth and Mrs. Lou 
Gehrig, the wives of 
perhaps our two most 
famous baseball 
players of the past. 
But did you know that 
these two wonderful 
widows live together? 
I paid a call on them a 
few weeks ago at their 
cozy little apartment 
on Manhattan's upper 
West Side and found 
them to be in fairly 
good spirits despite 
their advanced ages, 

Mrs. Ruth was wear- 
ing a Chinese-style 
muumuu in luminous 
shades of purple, gold, 
and green, with a big 
map of Florida painted 
on the back* "George 
Herman nought it for 
me in 1928 during 
spring training," said 
Mrs. Ruth. (She likes 
to refer to the Babe by 
his Christian names.) 
"The players' wives 
weren't allowed to ac- 
company their hus- 
bands to Florida for 
spring training in those 
days* so George Her- 
man sent me the mini- 
muu as a souvenir." 

Mis, Gehrig, the 
former Eleanor Twit- 
ehell, was wearing 
black. She still wears 
her mourning clothes 
in memory of her late 
husband, who died of 
an incurable disease. 
She greeted me warm- 
ly but did not say a 
word. She does not 
speak to anyone, not 
even to Mrs. Ruth. Rut 
they are on very good 
terms and get along 

But enough of the 
past — what are these 
two lovely and cele- 
brated widows doing at 
present? Mrs. Ruth 
loves to shop, espe- 


dally for food ("when 
I have the money," 
she says). Her favorite 
colors arc the colors of 
the rainbow. She also 
likes to paint by num- 
ber, make crank phone 
calls, and listen to the 
music of Anton We- 
ber n. 

Mrs, Ruth admits, 
however, that she is 
happiest lv juSt watch- 
ing the tube and play- 
ing with my feet. My 
toes are very loose and 
limber for someone of 
my age," she said. "1 
can do shadow tricks 
with them the way 
others do tricks with 
their fingers." 

Mrs. Gehrig loves 
to sit and watch Mrs. 
Ruth. Every Monday, 
Wednesday, and Fri- 
day, she will eat a howj 
of Campbell's cream 
of celery soup/' It was 
Lou's favorite," said 
Mrs. Ruth. When not 
watching Mrs. Ruth, 
Mrs. Gehrig likes to 
take long, delicious 

"Most of our friends 
are gone," continued 
Mrs. Ruth. "And the 
ones who are still 
around don't remem- 
ber us anymore. In 
fact, the only one who 
keeps in touch is Ver- 
non. That's Vernon 
Gomez, the pitcher 
who used to play with 
George Herman. He 
sends us a big box of 
Baby Ruth candy bars 
every Christmas. I 
wish he'd send us some 
money. We could real- 
ly use some money." 

Despite a few prob- 
lems, these two "mer- 
ry widows" plan to live 
as long as they can. 
They are fully aware 
of their obligation to 
the fans. For they too 
are in the public eye, 
as the beautiful reflec- 
tions of their legendary 
husbands. Good luck, 
Mrs. Babe Ruth and 
Mrs. Lou Gehrig! 
Next month: Mrs. 
Martin Luther King, 
black widow on parade. 
11 — ^epyp 




Portuguese moderates, in an attempt to 
stem the rising tide of extremism, have an- 
nounced a follow-up plan to their recent 
moderate demob" ti on of left-extremist Radio 
Station Renasccnca. Coming down strongly 
on the side of a "moderate transition to so- 
cialism in the tradition of give and take among 
all men of reason and good will," socialist 
leader Mario Soares announced that "infan- 
taiist-extremists will be moderately shot on 
sight by moderate gunmen if they try to hoot 
down the many leading moderates who make 
up the moderate majority. Intoned Soares, 
"Extremism in the defense of moderation is 
no vice!*' 

M ffi" ,! 

The controversy 
over whether or not 
Gerald Ford should be 
allowed to die rages on 
in Washington. Accord- 
ing to medical experts, 
the Chief Executive 
fails the critical brain 
wave activity test cur- 
rently accepted as the 
litmus test for life. 

Ford lapsed into a 
coma late last Decem- 
ber, as two bullets 
which had been lodged 
in his cranium follow- 
ing a recent round of 
assassination attempts 
worked their way 
through the president's 
extremely dense brain 

membranes, cutting off 
all motor functions. 
"You should see him 
trying to swim in the 
morning," a sobbing 
Betty Ford told news- 
men. "He goes from 
one side of the pool to 
the other, slamming 
his head like a metha- 
drinc-crazed amoeba." 
On Capitol Hill, 
lawmakers from both 
sides of the aisle were 
unanimous in their 
conclusion that the 
president has lost his 
marbles, so to speak, 
"He is in a progressive 
vegetative state/' said 
Senator Hubert Hum- 
phrey, "I don't believe 

he can think in any 
way. He can't calcu- 
late, he can't reason. 
He's just running on 
his spleen now. In my 
opinion he has no 
awareness . . . none." 

Mrs. Ford has asked 
the Supreme Court to 
give the go-ahead on 
pulling the president's 
plug, but this latest le- 
gal tack may compli- 
cate the situation still 
further. Chief Justice 
Burger is said to have 
told newsmen when in- 
formed of the appeal, 
"I fail to see the prob- 
lem. I fail to see the 
problem, Huh?" 



<w &" --vi ._• ■-<•,.-■ 



TgttP(g f2007 Ndl i u i id l Ld i npuun M i l. 



It was a quiet night in Albany, New York, 
a proletarian town populated almost entirely 
by workers. Little did Albany know, and 
scarcely could they have afforded a ticket if 
they had, they were about to be visited by 
Bob Dylan and the Rolling Thunder Review. 

"My life/* said sing- 
er Dylan^ "used to he 
a pressure cooker. 
Now I'm using my mu- 
sic to sell them," Tra- 
veling unannounced, 
ihe fabulous singer/ 
songwriter credited 
with ending the Viet- 
nam war played and 
sold pressure cookers 
to hundreds of Albany 
residents in iheir own 
homes and apartments. 

Security men for the 
tour would knock up- 
on the doors of lucky 
Albany citizens, and 
after licing them in 
their chairs and smash- 
ing any ornaments or 
art work ihey judged 
"offensive," would sig- 
nal waiting roadies, 
who would then move 
in to set up the elec- 

Rolling Thunder, 
the Indian medicine 
man who gave his 
name to the review, 
and known as "Cigar 
Store** or "Roozehag" 
to affectionate tour 
trippers, opens [he 
show with a few words 
thought to be in the 
Indian language. 

During the acts that 
follow, those of Joan 
Baez, Ramblin' Jack 
Elliot, and poet Allen 
Ginsberg, a shiny 
pressure cooker is 
prominently displayed 

in the center of the 
stage. Just before the 
appearance of Dylan. 
Negro Jack Elliot was 
heard to say, "De pres- 
sure is on ... so let's 

Dylan's perform- 
ance was described by 
housewives as hypnot- 
ic. "1 never would have 
bought one of those 
pressure cookers in a 
store, but when Bob 
sang about them, well, 
the room filled with a 
kind of electricity. I 
didn't even mind being 
tied up. I just wanted 
, . . a pressure cooker." 

Dylan, who financed 
the lour himself, talk- 
ed, laughed, and ges- 
tured, and to those 
who knew him from 
the old days in the vil- 
lage, it was as if he had 
been reborn. "I don't 
expect to make money 
on the tour" said Dy- 
lan. "I do expect to sell 
a hell of a lot of pres- 
sure cookers-" Then, 
smiling enigmatically, 
he says, "The answer, 
my friend, is cooking 
with wind." 

Said poet Allen 
Ginsberg after the 
show, "Bob, Joan, my- 
self, we've all trans- 
cended our hang-ups, 
I don't even blame my- 
self for anti-Semitism 
any more," 


New Economic Hope for N. YJ 

Normally phlegmatic New Yorkers hit the streets today in millions to cele- 
brate the best and most exciting idea to come out of the Beanie administration 
since it came to power. In a dramatic announcement from the steps of Gracie 
Mansion, the dwarf mayor launched a massive program to exploit one of New 
York's richest and hitherto totally untapped resources-lungers. 

Citing the increasing difficulty New Yorkers were experiencing in getting 
food From outside producers leery of unpaid bills, and the depletion of the 
nation's shellfish beds due to pollution, Beanie said thtit revenues from the 
"gray gold" on the sidewalks of New York could put the financially beleaguered 
city back on its feet within months. 

The mayor, flanked by Governor Carey and Vice-President Rockefeller, 
announced at the same time the formation of an Ad Hawk Committee to co- 
ordinate lunger collection, and the three pols kicked off the campaign by gob 
bing a trio of beauts onto the Great White Way, Beame managed a fine little- 
neck, while Carey's and Rockefeller's huge phlegm balls got popped straight 
into the quahog bucket* New York's culinary establishment rose to the occasion 
magnificently. Craig Claiborne, legendary food critic of the Times, pronounced 
New York "redpoints" as good as anything from Cape Cod, while the fabled 
restaurant of Jack Dempsey reopened its doors, without, as management put 
it, "anyone being able to tell the difference from the old days." 

Huge shipments of New York "bignecks," "ycllowstoncs," and "steamers" 
were already being rushed to other- parts of the nation, and officials 
declared themselves even more amazed than they had expected at the response, 
as enthusiastic New Yorkers scraped and refilled the pavements of the Big 
Apple. "Ford can take it and stuff it," said one excitedly. "New York is finally 
putting its mouth were its money is." 

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Copyright ©2007 National Lampoon Inc. 




Socialist Pulls 
a Quicky 

David Barrett, socialist dictator of Canada's most western 
state, British Bolivia, recently called an election. In return for 
NatLampCo support, the politician alledgedly promised: (I) 
He would get the magazine back onLo the racks on the govern- 
ment ferries from whence it was banned for repeated naughti- 
ness; (2) He would "stop wrecking the economy"; (3) He 
would hang several local merchants who had overcharged an 
American tourist We support and continue to support this 
fine socialist. 






Story «i pjjt 279 



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Boring, Stupid, 


Magazine Attacks 

National Lampoon 

Qui magazine, J he 
Marion Davies of pub- 
lishing magnate Hugh 
Hefner, recently refer- 
red to the Nutivnal 
Lampoon in an article 
on eating dogshit. 

'The old National 
Lam poonV commented 
the formidable Out, 
"was funny, clever, and 
sue eessf ul. It's still 
successful/ 1 

Informed of the at- 
tack, several National 
Lampoon staffers 
fainted dead away, and 
one attempted suicide 
with an Exaelo knife. 
Commenting later in a 
formal statement to a 
horrified press, ashen- 
faced editor Sean Kelly 
confided; "We're reel- 
ing from this- Frankly, 
I doubt if we'll ever 
make it to the news- 

stand again." Qui, 
whose editorial con- 
tent is based on dozens 
of the funniest, clever- 
est, and most success- 
ful shots of women's 
crotches in the history 
of women's crotch- 
shots, regularly adds 
to its legendary repu- 
tation by mysteriously 
surviving month after 
month without the aid 
of advertising revenue. 

Copyright ©2007 National Lampoon Inc. 




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Sports Column 

by Red Ruffansore 

Reel Ruffansore is in the hospital with his semi 
annual colitis attack, hi place of his monthly 
column, J\t* has suggested we reprint his **New 
Year's '75" column, always a great favorite with 
his fans. (Red's many readers might wish to dip 
their pens in moonshine and drop him a get-well 
rait} c/o St. Curmudgeon's Hospital^ 635 MadU 
son Ave,, N.Y.C. 10022.) 

December 31, 1974 
Baseball Predictions: 

Look for the Yankees 
to go ail ihc way, wiih 
the Catfish on the 
mound. Ditto for L.A. 

Dodgers dynasty, who 
can't miss . ♦ . and Bx- 
pos could surprise with 
Lefty McNally pitch- 
ing. Cincinnati Rods 
are all hit, no pitch 
sure second division 
finishers . same goes 
for the Bucs. Oakland 
As. tired and unhap- 
py* chafing under 
Chuck O. The BoSox, 
with a rookie outfield, 
arc due to disappoint 
Fenway's fickle tans. 
Boxing Premonitions: 
Thts is the year Ali 
(aka Cassias Clay) gets 
knocked off that high 
horse of his. Frazter 
could just do the trick. 

To coin and old cliche 
about Joe Louis, 
Smokin 1 Joe is a credit 
to his race the hu- 
man race, that is - un- 
like Ati, that choco- 
late-covered Nuteyev. 
1 ootlmll Prophecies: 
Expect a Subway Su- 
perfoow] for the Big 
Apple in 75, The Gi- 
ants are a dark horse, 
but jockeyed by old 
pro A ni sparger, and 
the Jets are a shoe-in 
coming off six straight 
wins this fall. But Old 
Red predicts '76's real 
action will be in the 
WFL, with superstars 
Czonka, Kiick, and 
WarfieJd filling those 
stadium seats. 
Basketball Prognosti- 
cations: Intrepid Mike 
Burke has rebuilt the 
Knicks in one fell 

swoop. Addition of 
McGinn is. Jab bar. and 
Chamberlain as back- 
up center gives the 
Knicks the best one- 
t wo- three combo in the 
league. All they have 
to do to win is show 

Look for upstart 
ABA to give NBA a 
inn for the money at 
the turnstiles. Dr. J. 
and Company versus 
the Knicks in the long- 
awafted multi-bucks 
Subway Hoop Super- 
bowl. You saw it here 

Hockey Portcndings: 
Bccfcd-up Broadway 
Blueshirts will blast, 
belt, and bash Broad 
Street bullies, giving 
them a taste of their 
own brand of brother- 
ly love. 

Red Hots; Look for 
all in the family grand 
slam in tennis m from 
newly weds Chris and 
Jimmy. , , ♦ Horse of 
the century: Ruffian.... 
Arrival of Pele heralds 
golden age of soccer in 
U.S. Old htiddyH. Co- 
se IPs new TV'er in 
can't-miss category.-,, 
Watch for the old pro- 
fessor. Casey Stengel, 
to rejuvenate ailing 
San Diego Padres fran- 
chise. , . . Sane and so- 
ber Jack Scott sure to 
provide stable home 
environment for kooky 
carrot-top Bill Walton 
and keep him out of 
hot water. And that's 
Red, brother. 

Pic of the Month 

Copyright ©2007 National Lampoon Inc 

My Meter Is Running 

continued from pose 1 8 

natural baby lace that never grows 
old. I think Wayne Newton used to 
look like thai until he went for an 
operation. The operation was a success 
on his face but his shvance wouldn't 
work anymore. That's why Carson 
won't go under the knife. He'd rather 
wear old-age makeup and the wig. 

Y'know that actor Robert Young? 
The one who plays Marcus Wei by. 
He's a real crazy son of a gun. In the 
middle ol ihe party he grls up and 
says, "Who wants to play doctor to- 
night?' 1 Shit, about nine hundred 
people screamed "Me. me. me." J said 
to Cher, what the fuck is all this 
about? So she grabbed me and look 
me along. 

ft seems like he's got a whole 
fucking doctor s office sei up in his 
house — the whole works — about a 
million dollars* worth of stuff. He's 
not exactly a pauper from that fucking 
TV show, /know. So we all go to his 
house — me, Cher, John Wayne, thai 
old bull dyke (that's what he really 
is), Burt Reynolds, Rauuel Welch, 
Freddie Prinze, Liza MinelK, Robert 
Red ford, Elton John, Mick dagger, 
Michael Murphy, at least a hundred 
movie stars and whatever, plus some 

lucking loudmouth named Lyons or 
Lyman or something who kepc trying 
to pull Cher's twelve- inch- high wig 
off. We couldn't get rid of him. 

Anyway, f walk into a fucking 
hospital. It's got all the fancy equip- 
ment— EKG machines, blood testing, 
X-ray machines, and a full surgery 
room with the fucking grandstand 
seats. If you just want to fool around, 
like when you played doctor as a kid, 
then Young gives you a stethoscope, 
some tongue Repressers, a nose flash- 
light, ihat kind of shit. But most of 
the people are ready (or more serious 
stuff. Rurr Reynolds puts on his 
white doctor's coat and becomes a 
specialist in gynecology, with Mary 
Tyler Moore as his patient. To 
nobody 8 surprise, he discovers that 
she has no cum. It's all clean and 
firm, like one of those clothing store 
dummies. Well, he was a little drunk 
by then and he announced that he 
would like to give Mary a cunt, He 
would like to operate on her and see 
if she bad something down there thai 
could he used as a cunt because she 
was really missing a lot in her life 
without one, (I forgot to tell you that 
Robert Young has three regular doctors 
on duty all the time, so that none of 
the people will fuck up and kill some- 

body by accident.) 

So Reynolds consults with Young 
and the three staff doctors about 
Marys problem, and they figure tlmt 
she has genitals somewhere, but 
they're probably depressed into the 
abdominal area, or maybe they're 
floating around. It's something .like 
guys whose balls get lost. Reynolds, 
that crazy bastard, is all for opening 
her up and exploring. (Mary was 
under anesthetics all this time, so 
she didn't know what the luck was 
going on.) 

The docs figure there's not much 
to lose and maybe a whole lot to gain 
by going in. By now, everybody is 
watching Reynolds and his team of 
surgeons and nurses (Young has real 
nurses on his payroll, too). Reynolds 
starts the operation with a nice 
light stroke right where the opening 
should be. No problems. He pries her 
open very gently and with a snake 
(lash tight he looks inside. With one 
of those little tweezers he fishes out 
a small Christmas tree ornament, a 
tiny angel, a strawberry- flavored 
Tootsie Fop (without the stick, of 
course), a diamond engagement ring, 
and a small piece of paper rolled up in 
a ball that turned out to be a docu- 
ment giving her controlling interest 

continued on page 30 

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*' Alteniale Choices" (if out of stock above) 

Copyright © 2007 National Lampoon Inc. 

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* A t weary- six -year-old native of 
Dacca, Bangladesh, known as "can- 
nibal KhalilulJah" was arrested by the 
police alter U was discovered thai he 
had been eating corpses in a medical 
college morgue for three years, 

A part-time reporter on a Bengali 
newspaper was keeping a close watch 
on the morgue. When the students 
left the room after a surgical demon- 
stration, the reporter stated thai: he 
found Khalilullah eating the heart of 
a dissected corpse. 

According to his report, Khalilul- 
lah admitted to his craving. "1 get the 
urge every two weeks or so, and then 
nothing can stop me," he said. It all 
started when he was twenty years old 
and developed what he confessed was 
an "intense attraction 11 for dead 
bodies. He said he was "very active" 
in removing bodies off the streets in 
1971 during the bloodshed of the 
Bangladesh independence movement. 

Three years ago, Khalilullah vol- 
unteered to work as a "casual helper" 
in the Dacca medical college morgue, 
and had been having his macabre 
meals ever since- London Times 
(R. J. Whiflen) 

• Tim Lee, a sophomore at Oregon 
State University, won a $100 bet from 
a fraternity brother by drinking up 
eleven ounces of the spit remains ol 
chewing tobacco. As part of the bet* 
he also pledged not to throw up for 
an hour after accomplishing die feat. 

Lee had previously lost money ac a 
gambling trip to Reno, and one of his 
comrades, John Heller, offered Lee 
the proposition. 

"I'd done real well in Reno, mak- 
ing about $220" said Heller. "Tim 
had lost money, and it was getting 
close to Christmas, He thought about 

taking me up on it for awhile, and 
finally I copped out because I figured 
he'd do it and get sick. Then, on the 
Thursday of finals week, we had both 
partied a little, and 1 offered the $100 
to him again if he'd drink eleven 
ounces of chew without throwing it 
up in an hour. He agreed to do it, 
and darned if he didn't follow ■ 
through on it." 

In front of twenty- five incredulous 
onlookers at a pre*Christmas evening 
gathering at the Delta Tau Delta 
fraternity, Lee unheskandy drank the 
murky tobacco excrement. 

Tim apparently had some problem 
keeping the liquid down. "He almost 
threw it up two or three times, and I 
tried to psyche him into doing it" 
said Heller, "But after awhile, I fig- 
ured he deserved the money." 

"I told a bunch ol guys long ago 
I that if you put your mind to some- 
I thing, there is nothing a person can- 
I not do" said Lee. "I'll drink anything 
for the right reward. In this case, I 
needed the money for Christmas, 

Lcc never got sick, and said he felt 
fine ibe next day. "It beats swajl owing 
| a goldfish" he claimed. 

Will Lee repeat his trick, or go on 
to even greater heights? 

"For $100, yeah " he said. "A lot 
of guys around the house are kidding 
me, but nobody's putting up any 
money, because they know now what 
I'm capable oL If the price is right, 
you bet I'll do it again " Oregon State 
Barometer (S. Chase) 

• A disciple of guru Nagababa 
Narbadagiri has discovered a way to 
observe his religious demands while 
working to ease India's fuel crisis. 
The twenty-eight-year-old sadhu 
(disciple) pulled a baby Hindustan 
BMU automobile with his penis along 
the stretch of road in front of 
Mahalakshmi Temple, in Bombay, 
Apart from cars, he has also pulled 
trucks by coiling up his iorcskin 
around the mudguards. When asked 
how he accomplished such super- 
human feats, the modest sadhu re- 
plied, "Breath control." Bombay 
Blitz (J- Ryan) 

A one -year subscript ion or the 
equi glue III National Lam- 

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used, Send entries to: True Facts, 
National Lampoon, G35 Madison 
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My Meter Is Running 

continued from page 20 

in five shopping cenrere in southern 
California. But still no basic cunt. 

Reynolds was getting a little dis- 
couraged. His sister, Debbie (you 
know, the actress), volunteered to 
donate her cunt to Mary because she 
really didn't use it anymore, But a 
transplant was too risky. He tried one 
more search and brought out a small 
furry thing. It didn't look like any- 
thing—just a small furry thing. 
Jesus. Could this be it. Reynolds 
asked the docs, It was the only thing 
left in there. They examined it and it 
had all sorts of little openings and 
lips and walls and scuff. This was it. 
It had to he. So Reynolds allowed the 
regular doctors to put the thing m the 
right place and make It fit nice and 
snug, and bingo, Mary woke up and 
she had the cutest little cunt I ever 
saw- It was really small, though. Just 
big enough for a Chihuahua to plow 
into, but better than nothing. And 
here's the cutest part oi all. Every 
time you squeeze it, it squeaks like 
a toy mouse. When Mary saw h, she 
was so fucking happy she cried, She 
squeezed it and played with it and 
wanted a pinky job right away. Rut 
the doctors told her not to fool around 
with it too much or It would get 
irritated. They gave her a schedule to 
follow until the thing was properly 
adjusted to her body. It was also 
possible that the thing might expand 
some day and accommodate bigger 
dogs, I tell ya, if you think Mary 
Tyler Moore looks happy and. cheery 
on her TV show, you should have 
seen her after that operation. She 
could have lit up a lucking coal mine 
with her face. 

Cher and a lot of the other stars 
wanted to have a little cimty like 
Mary's too, but the docs said there 
was no chance. She was one in a 
billion. Now all the other girls are 
jealous — Liza, Cher, RaqueJ, Barbra — 
all of them. They gotta have the 
latest thing, the latest kick. They're 
all going to Sweden or Switzerland or 
someplace like thai lor a transplant, 
They gotta keep getting their kicks or 
they go crazy. You know how it is. 
They've tried every tiring. They're 
desperate. That's why I can't stand 
them after a while. Throw them a 
fuck and run, that's my motto. Any- 
time youVe in New York, J said to 
Cher and her friends, look me up. 
I had to get back to Manhattan, where 
1 belonged. D 

Ki.M\,..U l. 

■ii Ku kaul M . 

Copyright © 2007 National Lampoon Inc. 

Mb p@@m$ m& Mqr mfij H$& 



Jtrtl You V Mo/Colouf My World 

Saturday In The Pifk/25 Of e To A 

fl v» B»*n) S*»rch)n'3Q Long 

Wl thing You Wits Hare 


cat Stevens 




Northern Lights 
Southern Crosa 


Mike Old field 

An Astounding Mimical Achievement 
From The Creator QntibulerBelfs" 


on Capitol 

The Last Record Album 

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Copyright ©2007 National Lampoon Inc. 

Stereo Review 


On Buying Your First Tape Recorder 
Michael Tippett * Cleo Laine * Ex-Beatles 

The whole story. 
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From Springsteen to Bernstein 

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it's all music . . . and that's something that 
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Carole King Scared? 

And then Stereo Review digs deep into the 
meaning of today's artists and the quirks, 
talents and traditions they carry with them. 
Are you aware, for example, that it once 
took hypnosis to cure Sergei Rachmaninoff 
of "creative sterility**? Or that Carole King 
finds songwrittng "secure" and singing on 
stage "frightening"? That music kingpin 
Don Kirshner, "owner" of some 500 hit 
songs, can't read or write music, can't sing, 
and can't play any musical instrument? 

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The theater lights go down. In the 
back of the theater, where the dirty 
light filters through the blanket 
hanging over the doorway ro the 
lobby, an aged man begins to wrestle 
whh an inexpensive concertina. The 
music, like the cold, penetrates every 
corner and cranny of the theater, 
mingling with the musty, dank smell 
that rises from the loosened boots of 
the audience. You are in a Canadian 
movie theater, about to see a Canadian 

A light strikes out from the bulb in 
the projector, cuts through the ascend' 
ing log of the audience's breath, 
strikes the bedsheet, falters for an 
instant with a momentary lag in the 
line voltage, and then grows stronger. 

The concertina slackens its lusty 

huffing and a strangly accented voice 
announces the title of the film through 
a squeal of feedback on the antiquated 
public address system. 

f *An incident in a Toyota, a tale of 
Romans, er, romance, sel in a car" 

The screen brightens and vague 
images become visible. The projec- 
tionist struggles to focus the film as 
the audience screams advice. 

M A little to the left!" shouts the 
guy on your right. "There, you had it! 
No, no, back the other way, you idiot!" 

Gradually, the audience quiets, the 
image clears, and you can see what 
looks like two nylon stockings stuffed 
with tar paper rubbing and butting 
energetically at each other. The pic- 
ture shakes and jerks as the camera 
pulls back, and it becomes obvious 
that you have been watching a close- 
up of i wo noses thrusting at each 
other in frenzied passion. 

A conspiratorial silence steals over 
the theater, broken only by the the- 
atrical departure of a lady politician. 
The camera continues to pull back, 
and [or an instant you see the head 
and shoulders of a young couple 
seated in a Toyota.. .but the camera- 
man slips or drops his camera, the 
image turns sideways, and you see a 

maple leaf frozen in a puddle. 

Suddenly, a strange hand seizes 
your wrist, and, holding It in a vise- 
like grip, forces it down in the direc- 
tion of a stranger's lap. You try to 
jerk free, but the stranger's hand is 
strengthened by long years of snapping 
branches hanging at face level; escape 
is impossible. Your hand is shoved 
downwards in a crotchwardly direction 
until it encounters a paper bag fid I of 
maple sugar. Gratefully, you take a 
piece, and return to watching the 

The camerman has regained his 
feer and we see the Toyota with its 
windows completely fogged. A few 
indistinguishable words are heard 
from within, but the sound track 
fails and is replaced by the projec- 
tionist, who reads the actors' lines, 
male and female* over the RA, system, 
He: f-et*s go into my lodge. It's warm 
in the attic, and we may remove 
our outer garments without lear 
of death. 
She: You talk like a book. 

They emerge from the car and he 
leads her up the steps of a moose 
lodge, but the cameraman slips again, 
falls over backwards, and we see a 
shot of i he sky. The audience gasps 

continued on ease 42 

Life was blank. 

The Musk Tape by Capitol 

was blank. 


The fresh new breeze that's 
blowing through music today is 
carrying the voice and songs of 
Michael Murphey, the man who 
brought "Wildfire" to life. 

Now Michael Murphey 's new 
alburn, "Swans Against theSun," 
is here. Listen to ten original new 
songs, a brilliant version ot the 
Hank Williams classic' A Mansion 
on the Hill/' and a truly amazing 
host of guest artists. Produced by 
Bob Johnston at the Caribou 

'Swans Against the Sun? 
Michael Murphey's 
soaring new album* 
On Epic Records and Tapes. 

Michael Murphey 
Swans Against The Sun 


A Mm t»|gn Oi 1 71 k Hiltf Rbi lutjmta 

Rhythm 01 Tlio RaadlfElulflilo Gun/pink L:idy 







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Copyright ©2007 National Lampoon Inc. 

At TE AC, our funda- 
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Qualities that are measurable in terms 
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These are essentials. Because our technological 
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Dolby is a trademark of Dolby Laboratories, Inc. 

Copyright ©2007 National Lampoon Inc. 


Report to the Commission of the Joint Chiefs of Staff of the 
Armed Forces for Investigation of Unidentified Flying Objects 

* l 


of *** 


wl George S- ■» fs of *» 

f ® 

SET* «- sovl t . ,„•? ^fc ft §S35? 

jndr^Y; nBlue So°* J vl iia^- „ ^a * oon d. £ * 

t Copyright © 2007 National Lampoon Inc. 



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Copyright © 2007 National Lampoon Inc. 

Identification of Unidentified Flying Obi" tt c.G°*?a 

6^ .. -xftO^ JfifrV 





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Copyright ©2007 National Lampoon Inc. 








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>- m& Jo' X>* :vV .G> _<S> e> 

*<$. <^ 

**\ *«**"* y . # 

& -* 


fTOSE&w . 


Copyright ©2007 National Lampoon Inc. 



Copyright ©2007 National Lampoon Inc. 


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California residents add 6% sales tax. State — 

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P.O. Box 877 
Mafibu, Calif. 90265 

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Double Leaf 

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Canadian Corner 

continued tram pttfte .34 

with recognition. At this point, the 
reel runs out and there is much hoot- 
ing, clapping, and stomping as the 
lights go up. 

"Did ya like that bit a maple 
sugar 1 give ya?'* says the guy on 
your right. You nod. '*That were a 
pretty good film, weren't it? Are ya 
going ta stay and see the cocksucker 

The next day the papers will dis- 
cuss whether or not the film went 
too Ear "philosophically" and whether 
it wouldn't be better il some "ideas* 1 
weren't left to the "imagination." 

TruthluUy, as every Canadian 
knows, many good films arc made 
every year in Canada, some inde- 
pendently, but many by the National 
Film Board. The latter are screened 
once before a group of coke-snorting 
French homos at Cannes. "The Cor- 
poration " as the Canadian Broad- 
casting Corp is known, is notoriously 
unwilling to show any NFU lihn that 
does not put the attention span of 
the viewer to the ultimate test. 

In fact, the CBC has just aired its 
chree-thousandth-and-firsc docu- 
mentary on Eskimo artisans, exceed* 
ing by twelve the number aired on 
the changing north. Tough pemmican 
for the frostbacks, eh t fer Chrissake? 

THE ^ 

In the bedroom, it needs no" 
translation. Bring your Invar 
the massage with a pair of 
no-iron, luxurious white 
cut tun blend pillow cases 
accented in lipstick red. 

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a pair Tot yonrsntf and fl pnir for 
your partner. 

Send cash, check or M.G. to; 

Studio 21 

035 Madison Ave. 
Nuw York. N.Y. 10022 



Copyright © 2007 National Lampoon Inc. 

Dual precisio 
starts automaticall 
at $139.95. An 
at $199.95. 


The least you should require of a turntable is 
assurance that its tonearm can track flawlessly with th- 
most sensitive cartridges, and that its drive system will 
introduce no audible rumble, wow, or flutter, To accept 
less means risking damage to your expensive records 
and producing sounds from your system which were 
never recorded. 

Happily, the lowest-priced Dual, the 1225, is the 
perfect example of Dual's basic design concept: to buili 
every turntable with more precision than you ore ever 
likely to need. 

The 1 225 is a fully automatic, single-play 
turntable with multi-play facility. Its vernier-adjustable 
low- mass counterbalanced tonearm can track flawless 
at as low as one gram. Stylus pressure is applied exact 
as in every Dual, around the vertical pivot and 
perpendicular to the groove, maintaining perfect balar 
in all planes. Anti-skating force is also applied exactly - 
in every Dual, with separate calibrations for conical, 
elliptical and CD-4 styli. 

Other features the 1225 shares with all other 
Duals include pitch-control and cue-control damped in 
both directions. The hi-torque motor maintains speed 
within 0.1% even when line voltage varies as much as 
20%, and the hefty 3 54 lb., 10%" platter provides effects 
flywheel action to minimize the audible effect of any 
speed variation. 

flit newest Dual, the 510, is a single-play 
rble vvi fh a unique semi -auto mated tonearm, A 
'ianical sensor indicates when the tonearm is 
.positioned precisely over the lead-in groove of a 12" or 
7" record. |he tonearm remains suspended over the 
Record unffiNowered by the cue -control; it cannot be 
dropped accidentally. At the end of ploy, the tonearm is 
automatically h'fted by the cue-control and the motor 
shuts off, 

In all other respects, the 510 is essentially the 
same as other full-sized Dual models. The 8%" tonearn - 
is mounted in a newly designed four-point gimbal 
suspension, and the dynamical ly-balanced cast 
platter is driven by an 8-pole synchronous motor via a 
precision-ground belt. Pitch is variable over a 6% range 
(a semitone) and can be conveniently set to exact spee 
by means of a built-in illuminated strobe, read directly 
off the rim of the platter. 

Now all you need decide is which way you wan 
Dual precision: automatically or semi-automatically. (A 
whether you will ever want to play two or more record 
in sequence .) 

Dual 1225, less than $140, less base. Dual 1226, similar 
but with cast platter and totaling single-play spindle, 
Less than $U0\ Dual 1 228 with gimbal ted tonearm, 
synchronous motor, illuminated strobe, variable tracking 
angle, less than $200. 

Dual 510, tess than $200, Jess base Full-size belt-drive 
models include: Duul 601, fully-automatic, less than $250. 
(Dual CS601. with bn*e nnd c overjes s than $270,); Duof 124^ 
fully-automatic, single-play/ multi*play, less than $280. 

I Audio Products, Dept. NL, 120 So. Columbus Ave., Mt. Vernon, N.Y, 10553 

C «Jui«vc US. Distribution Agency far Dual 

Copyright © 2007 National Lampoon Inc. 


The Eterna 

A Nightmare Un 

m ii 

Copyright ©2007 National Lampoon Inc. 


>lds in Dealey PI 

Death is quick, but the images of death last 
forever. On the strength ol this observation, 
the Ant Farm motorcade (in conjunction 
with T.R. Uthco) waves a final farewell to 
consumers of "image Cameiot." These shots 
by an amateur photographer record what 
one witness called, "The most horrible image 
I have ever consumed" Photos one through 
three show the motorcade entering Dealey 
Plaza on November 22, 1975, In the fourth 
(4), the artist- president has been caught by 
the first image-assassin's shot, his drag first 
lady yet unaware he is in trouble. Within a 
spill second, thu assassin takes another shot 

(5), hitting the governor. The artist-president 

slumps into his wile's arms for the seven- 
teenth time that day, finally getting it right. 

Copyright © 2007 National Lampoon Inc. 



As a secret service agent rushes to climb aboard, and the limousine speeds away to Parkland Hospital, Jackie reaches 
back to place a fragment of smashed watermelon on the car trunk, a heroic act partially obscured by the intervening tali, 
dark thing- 
Copyright © 2007 National Lampoon Inc. 

Never before published shots reveal 
a scene of split-second horror 

In These as-yet-unreleased photos 
taken by Dallas resident Harvey 
Hunt from the railroad overpass 
with a 300 mm reiephoto fish rye* 
lens, we are given a ringside seat 
as the final shot from the grassy 
knoll throws the artist -president's 
head back and Jackie screams, "Oh 
my God, oh my God, they've killed 
him again!" 

Copyright © 2007 National Lampoon Inc. 


Conclusion: Artist- President Caught 
in Image Death Crossfire 

Ironically, too, as the artist- 
president met his late that 
day in Dallas, the photo- 
graphic record ol this tragic 
event-simulation saved him 
from the far worse fate of 
Image Death. Certain primi- 
tive tribes believe that cameras 
steal the soul. But the image 
in which it may he trapped 
will live until man vanishes, 
or fails to competently main- 
tain hie photo libraries, which- 
ever comes first. 

Had the artist-president ex- 
perienced Image Death him- 
self, he could not have 
experienced the real simulated 
death of November 22, 1975, 
and vice versa, thus proving 
the artist' president's own be- 
lief that "there are other 
kinds of death than just the 
one you can smell" 

Many shots were taken but 
only a fen? hit the mark* This 
jumbo postcard shows D&aley 
Plazit on November 22 f 1975, 





NOV22, 1W3 NOV. 22, 1975 

made by Sandra Woodall 



Chip Lord 
Curtis Schreir 
Doug Michaels 

Jody Proctor 
Doug Hall 


by Diane Hall and 

Dan Catflewater 


Copyright ©2007 National Lampoon Inc. 

Chomsky on Mailer on Sontag 
m on Bellow on Chomsky „, 74 . 99< 

The New York Review 

January 8, 1976 

of Us 

Conor Cruise O'Brien: 

Towards a Purification of Eire 
Getting the Irish Back to Africa 



Andrei Sakharov: 

Do Jewish Quarks 

Have More Charm? 

The Tragic Failure 
of the Chinese Revolution: 

Howe Tells Mao How Now 

Copyright ©2007 National Lampoon Inc. 



By Harold Bloom 

A vaslj lavishly unillus- 
trated work in ten sol times 
proving yet again why 
everyone in the whole 
world should pay .so much 
attention to a small, 
obscure, intractable, his- 
torically powerless and 
oulUi rally eccentric tribe 
of Ham i tic Semites, and in 
particular, Harold Bloom. 


The Lighter Side 
of the Holocaust 

Btj Sam Leveman 

A warm, witty evocation 
of the ghastly (and not so 
ghastly! ) ups-and-downs of 
the Jews during the 
turbulent years of World 
War II. Includes a hitherto 
unpublished rabbi joke 
by Anne Frank, 

Both Works NOW ON SALE 
NOT $10.95 a volume! 
NOT $8.95 a volume! 
But only $5/95 a volume I 
Available from 


The Very Important Docks Building, 
Upper West Side, Hew York City 


5 Zbigiiiew Hi ve/inski: 


Susan Soiitag: 


Gore Virfal: 


Mary McCarthy 


Alfred Kariit: 


Elia Kazan: 


Shulamitli Firestone; 


Karl Shapiro: 


Dfctiia Trilling: 


Elie Weisel: 


Letters from: 

One Day in the Life of Aleksandr Solzhenitsyn 

by Mikhail Sholokov 

Eisenstadfs Anti-Semitism 

On Blowing Dogs by Vladimir Nabokov 

Kafka' x Nafkeh by Lou Andreas Fall ope 

Of Pound and Ftesh; A Compilation of Anti-Ezra 

Diatribes edited by Howard Ncmcrov 

Is Surfing Anti-Semitic? 

When I Say No t I Feel Better by Susan Brownmiller 

Homage to Goethe fa by Leonard Cohen 

Tinkers to Even to Chance by Denise Leverlov 

Arte! to Miranda by Stanley Kunitz 

Is Nkdiuhr Dead? by God 

The Basic Anti-Semitism of Almost Everything 

Isaac Bashevis Singer, Dan Green burg, Joanne 

Grcenberg, Phillip Ravh, Nora Ephron, George Steiner, 

Arthur Miller, Erich Heller, David Levin, Meyer Levin, 

Erich Fromm, Meyer Levin's lawyer, Budd Schulberg, 

Meyer Kahanc, Lcc Strasberg, the Whole Gang at 

Yeshiva, Meyer Lansky, Eric Segal Meyer Levin's 

lawyer's mother, Emma Lazarus, Albert Einstein, Felix 

Frankfurter, Friedrich En gels, Spinoza* Meyer Levin's 

lawyer's mother's doctor, and Little Hugh of Lincoln, 


GORE VIDAL is a frequent contributor 
to Will tarn Buckley, Jr. . 

SUSAN 50NTAG is a celebrated camp- 
follower, goes to Nazi movies often but 
doesn't like them very much, and wants to 
be Mary McCarthy when she grows up. 

IRVING HOWE is an ardent proponent 
of all revolutions, except those that have 
happened, an ardent opponent of all wars, 
except those against Arabs, and is a fat 

ZBIGNIEW BRZEZINSK1 is uiuhi lik- 

MARY MCCARTHY tells more than she 
knows, is about to be released as a major 
motion picture, and claims she sleeps with 
Norman Cousins. 

likes to walk in the rain, "digs" Sibelius, is 
wiirm, intellectual, extraordinary, wishes 

Editor: Anthony Hendraov 
Advisory Editor: Sean Kellybaum 
Assistant Editors; R. Bruce Moody- 

bcrger, Ted Man ostein 
Real Jewish Editors: 1*. Kuininsky, 
Mr. Mitch Markowitz, 
Ellis Weiner, Louise Gikow 

Copyright ©2007 National Lampoon Inc. 

to meet Asian Studies professor in forties 
who regards anger as an outlet as well as 
a means of communication or a large, 
well-hung Negro* No French, Greek, or 
fatties (that means you, Irving). 

KARL SHAPIRO Spanish Club, Future 
Farmers of America, Prom Committee, 
Drivers' Ed Golden Clutch Award, Fav- 
orite Class — Eng Lit, Pet Peeve — Allen 
Ginsberg. "Let the good times roll." 

CONOR CRUISE O'BRIEN is a consti- 
tutional monarch. His works include 
Ireland, What a Tsimmes and Carry on 
up the Congo, 

known disciplinarian, wears the pants ill 
his house, and is harder on his own. 

ANDREI SAKHAROVis a closet Decem- 
brist and has a large collection of Roman- 
off jewelry which he will swap tor a copy 
of "Meet the Beatles*' and /or a pair of 
Levis {W. 42, L, 23). 

Art Director: Terry Mosher 
Type Production: Mark Hcckerski 
Contributing Artist: The Roman 

Catholic Church 
Publisher: Gerald Tronstein 
Obcrftihrcr: Matty Simmons 

The New York Review 


If Only We Could Forget Thee, O Israel! 

by Fr. Daniel Buggerin,sj 
Abelard Press, 234 pp., $9,95 

A, Jew (actually Norman Podorctz, 
but we can't let Epstein kiruw) 

Fr, Buggcrin, the well-known Catho- 
lic activist and rhymstcr who tangled 
acrimoniously with American Zionists 
after his unsolicited condemnation of 
both sides in the Yorn Kippur war, 
stated at that time that his original 
skepticism of Zionist motives bad been 
(now get this) "aroused by the observa- 
tion that many of those who most 
roundly condemned American policies 
in Southeast Asia find no inconsistency 
in simultaneously supporting extreme 
militaristic and imperialistic policies on 
the part of the stale of Israel." 

How's that for Jesuit logic? Or don't 
they teach them at Ford ham that com- 
parisons are odious? 

Buggcrin (whose sister-in-law, by the 
way, is a self-confessed shoplifter) in 
this* his latest book* claims that this 
"double standard at the heart of Zionism 
has been the cause of the anger directed 
at [him] by the North American liberal 
community/' and yet, while addressing 
precisely this community, he finds it 
again impossible to avoid questioning 
of the very idea of Zionism. Such an ar- 
gument is, as it must be, self-defeating. 

Buggcrin, still an acknowledged 
member of the religion which condoned 

the Spanish inquisition, by the way, 
maintains that the "uncritical Zionism 
prevalent among American Jews does 
little to clarify Israel's objective merits 
or demerits." And where, one asks one- 
self, was Father Dan when the United 
States decided to recognize the Vai ican? 

/Anticipating the party line to be 
parroted hy a noisy majority in the cur- 
rent morally (and financially) bankrupt 
United Nations, Buggcrin slanders Is- 
rael as "a racist state/ 1 With the devious 




ayA^-ysSBii^y 3 

\ V..IYJI- 

logic typical of Irish Catholics, he de- 
fines his terms thus: "A state founded 
expressly by and for people of a par- 
ticular race* based upon the appreben 
siou of distinct and unique racial types." 
This sophist (one is tempted to say 
''Jesuitical") argument leads our de- 
frocked clergyman to conclude that "in 
the sense that ihey find it possible to 
discern a group as racially distinct, 
unique, or typical, the Zionist and the 
anti-Semite have much in common.'* 
Well, 1 for one can assure the Reverend 
Father that there's one hell of a differ- 

ence between the experiences of being 
recognized as a Jew by a coreligionist 
grocer, and heing spotted by a member 
of the admissions committee at The 
New York Athletic Club. 

It has been suggested that Hither Dan 
was hit in the head by one too many 
billy clubs in his sit-in days* That would 
surely explain such statements as, u The 
central problem of Zionism is not that 
the Jews yearned for their homeland, 
but that they yearned for somebody 
else's." As he goes on to suggest, face- 
tiously, one presumes, that other large 
ethnic groups in America might de- 
mand repatriation in their homelands 
(the Poles to Poland, the Irish to Ire- 
land, the Blacks to Africa) with a claim 
l *far more culturally and morally defen- 
sible than one based on dubious inter- 
pretations of ambiguous tribal scrip- 

This comes dangerously near the 
(1 America, love it or leave it" jingoism 
of the right-wingers against whom this 
same Dan Buggcrin appeared to be 
demonstrating; although I am not sug- 
gesting that the good Father was, at 
that time, a conscious double agent for 
the CIA. 


fhen the late, great John XXI 11 
said, "Spiritually, we are all Semites," 
I presume Father Buggcrin realized that 
His Holiness was not referring to the 
Arabs. And, as my landsman, Nat Hen- 
toff, said, "The next lime Buggerin gets 
his ass thrown in jail, let the Catholics 
bail him out!" □ 

Low and Inside 

The Sporting News Baseball Guide, 1975 
by the editors of Sporting News 
Random House, 56 pages, $3,98 

Garry Wilts 

Arching through the New England 
night sky now, not a rcdglare rocket 
or bomb burst but a white sphere fol- 
lowing its parabola 1o the sward in the 
center of a city a- tremble still two 
centuries later with the meaning of 
liberty where blacks and buses shuttle 
in the night light lit white ball drops 
into the ^love of— who? Yes, a hlaek 
man. And in left field, too. 

And before olde Fenway's de facto 
segregated crowd this night as others 
this dusky youth will blast that most 
nonviolent of bombs, a homer. He (and 
Looie-Loore Tiant, whose delivery is as 
deviationist as the Marxism of his 
homeland's head coach Fidel) seemed, 

Januarys, iv?t* 

l he summer of 75 Jong, to affirm that 
the game nearest the nation's heart was 
as open-textured as the society foreseen 
here in Boston by the Founding Fathers. 

And yet, And yet. 

When the ballots are in (the universal 

franchise, said Prud'homme, is the 
counterrevolution), who is baseball's 

Copyright ©2007 National Lampoon Inc. 

rookie of the year? Not the black in 
left, but the white in center. Not Rice, 
but Lynne. And the intellectual with an 
interest in sports, a guy like Norman 
or Wilfred or, say, me, is torn between 
pity and irony. 

Oports, like theater (who is to say, 
in an age of high-priced Broadway trite- 
ness, that sport is not superior to the- 
ater? That there is not more hubris and 
katharis on the field than on the stage?) 
holds a mirror up to nature. The nature 
of society. And to almost all, Jim Rice 
remains invisible as Ralph Ellison. In- 
visible despite the eloquence of his 
beauty, grace, and affirmed hlack man- 

Watch him stand proud at the plate, 
his strong yet tender Negro fingers 
roughly caressing the white ash bat 
handle, mighty legs astride, strong yet 
sensual mouth set in an inviting defi- 
ance of the inevitable pitch. 

e story 

of a retardee 

by Kenneth Rexrofh 

"A warm and witty narrative. 
Ken's keenest!" -Arnold Wcsker 
'*<, . - lyrical, personcd, aphoristic, 
personal ... to a degree reminis- 
cent of Ogden Reed, Rex Reed, 
Florence Reed." 

—Barbara Tuchman 
", . . the most complete and most 
scholarly compilation of known 
data on this important but oft- 
spurned person." 

-.Noam Ckamsky 

Plangent Press 

T/ie Speedwoy 

Miomi Beach. Fio. 99877 $16,95 

18 pp. 

If you're reading the N YR, 
you must be intelligent* 
But are you exceptionally 

If you nm t mid you desire the company of 
th nan likn y oil ran) f, \vp, nrgs ymi Ui Lunsltler 
joining Mensa, 

Menta is a society fomoci oxprepsly fov the 
needs of those of superior intellect. We meet 
informally qf members' homes, sip ahcrry from 
self-uaiiMuumsh' casual jilasliu uiijjs, find liuld 
forth on vnHuns abstruse subjects until no ona 
can understand anyone eke. 'the nt ma sphere is 
always lively, wn'rni, and intensely self con- 
gratulatory. We wdiif little yellow pins in our 
lapels imd blousaa tu prompt the Less ixitall taunt 
to risk, "What Is thfit?" nntl to which we smile 
modestly and murmur. "Uh, |ust a club I be- 
long to/' 

That club is Mcnsm and you could belong, if 
you arc one of the top 2 percent in the country 
wllh BO IQ abnvR 1*1(1 (Cattail), you own It to 
your panrs, your Relf-oskumi. and your natural 
tendency toward intellectual snobbery lo con- 
sider joining Mensa, 

Membership also entitles you to a year*s 
worth of QiHjjit, the monthly fournnt of Mensa, 
In it you'll find articles, puzzles, book reviews, 
correspondence ; nnd you'll be nblo to follow 
our dobate of six years running, "Whet nra 
those little white dots you see when you look 
at a blank sky?" 

Simply fill out the form below, and yaw will 
be sent a preliminary IQ tost to ho sol (-admin- 
istered in your own home. Then, if you pass, 
we will teat you and other applicants at e 
monitored session near your home town. 

"When keen inrnrle conspire te storm the 
gates of Truth, thou dOftf Ignorance fee/ the 
sting of Inquiry's arrow, and Knowhdga 
scales the Walls of Wisdom/' 

KiJmi irjul titirko 

Yes. I think Vtu very fnLulIiguiiL 
Pioosescnd me.' 

D Se^atfmmisterod J.Q. losi (add check or 
m.o. for S3. 00. Moke pnyobtn (o ftfanffij. 

U Explanatory literature. 

OPomphiet, "Why High riifelffBcnce Is 
Morally Deslrob/a." 




Estimated IQ 



Honestly estimated JQ 

Fear of Flys 

Carrie Nation: Quicker than Liquor 

by Kathryn Ann Harridan 
Full Court Press, 173 pp„ $$.95 

Annie Oakley: The Clausewitz of 

by Nora Fruehibar 

Pull Court Press, 20.1 pp., $9.95 

Erica Jong's Sister 

Diachi ony versus synchrony, the 
Levi-Straussian dualism between time 
seen us process versus lime viewed as 
"the eternal now,*' this is the specter 
that haunts the women's liberation 
movement as well as the dodge that the 
American Academy has used to rob 
women of their history. While white- 
bearded Academicians arc quite willing 
to d iscnss rape, open marriage, and the 
"new" [sjc\ morality, ihey have seen fit 
to practice a curious kind of Joel Chan- 
dler Hatiisian reductionism which has 
converted the true heroines of the 
Movement into ridiculous cartoon char- 
acters by a vicious process of cutifying 
(if I may be pardoned a neologism). 

Full Court Press has attempted to 
drain this miasma and turn it into ara- 
ble academic land once more with the 
publication of two landmark biogra- 
phies. Carrie Nation: Quicker than 
Liquor, by Kathryn Ann Harridan, cuts 
through the prevailing nonsense of 
Carrie Nation's teetotalisrn to reveal 
the deep symbolism of her life's work. 
In a sense. Nation's pi phi bit ion ism was 
a Pauline gloss over the essential kcryg- 
ma of her message , . . the ax. With one 
mighty blow of her broad ax, Carrie 
Nation breached the men-only decorum 

of the saloon, breaking and destroying 
ripe vessels of warm liquid and thereby, 
in a symbolic manner, draining the vital 
essence from the sacs of male exclu- 
sion ism. 

Likewise, Annie Oakley: The 
Clait&ewitz of Crinoline, by Nora 

Ftucliibar, chronicles the vicissitudes 

of the famed markswoman who was 
forced by a homocentric military estab- 
lishment to channel her logistical and 
tactical genius (Chester A, Arthur called 
her the "greatest military mind since 
Osceola") into a circus act. in a way, 
Oakley's prowess with a pistol repre- 
sented a symbolic usurpation of the 
traditional male projectile prerogative. 
But why go on? We all know why these 
women have been vilified and forgotten 
. . . they refused to put out. Men don't 
respect women unless they can poke 
endlessly at your innards with their 
shriveled little wands. And another 
thing . . . O 

The mineral you've always 
wanted to know about ! ! ! 

by Arnold Weskei 

". . , lyrical, aphoristic, personal ... to 
a degree reminiscent of Colette, Sappho, 
Margo!!!" -NOAM CHOMSKY 

"A warm and witty narrative. Arnie's 

"« . . the most complete and most 
scholarly compilation of known data on 
Hi rs important but oft-spurned 
vegetable. 1 ' —KENNETH REXROTH 

Goiifizoozier Fress*>f r T\5GZ pages 
Box 2 

Gcngzoozier Community College 

S, Alaska 99877 $1,562.00 

Copyright ©2007 National Lampoon Inc. 

Vomit , 
~on the 

The tragicomic history 
of the Diet of Worms 
by Harbaia Hucbman 

"A warm and witty narrative. 
Babs' best!" -HANNAl 1 ARENDT 
-, . . pLTKniial, Aphoristic, lyrical . . . tn 
a degree reniinlscem of Beckett, R. W. 
Service, Louella Parsons/' 

'\ . . the [ffcost complete and most 
scholarly compilation of known data 
on this important but oft-spurned 
nutrient." -NOAM CHOMSKY 

678 pages 


Peanuts, Tx. 99877 

Unl varsity \ 
of Bowie Press 

The New York Review 

Final Solution: 

Does Infinity Come Out of the Barrel of a Gun? 

Conversations: Goldberg, f he Man, 
the Jew 

Not Again Pies** 
Wholesale, 198 pp., $5.95 

Sand of Our Fathers 

by Abduh Avaricious Sodomi 
Exxon Press, 21 2 pp., free with a 
purchase of S3. 00 or more gasoline 
at any Exxon station. 

Ted Mannsfein 

Last Thursday, while polishing my 
collection of extremely rare and dis- 
gusting Anatolian slave sler minis, 1 
received a phone call from Anthony 
Hendraov, editor of the New York 
Review (of (/&■)■ Hendraov, a scholar 
preeminent in the Held of. if not wo- 
men's rights, at least women's needs* 
managed to suggest, after several false 
starts and gratuitous speculations upon 
the competence of his colleagues, that 
1 undertake a piece on the unstable situ- 
ation in the Middle East. He was, of 
course, careful to demand that the piece 
should be both dignified and reflective 
and should, at least in stun mat ion, make 
reference to the fact that Arabians, or 
'Rabs, as they are called hi more de- 
tached reference works, are to a man 
both murderous and mite-ridden, 

So it was that 1 sal down last Thurs- 
day with Sy Goldberg to thrash out 
some of the diplomatic intricacies be- 
setting a solution to the Middle East 


(old berg was a man whose thoughts 
have been described as being lt )ikc cer- 
tain bills passed by congress: not only 
crudely self- interested, but buffered and 
shaped by the demands of a thousand 
pressure groups." 

Goldberg, an author and mathema- 
tician who makes his own furniture, 
earned his reputation as a scholar when 
in 1966 he was able to refute a thesis 
written in yellow magic marker on the 
door of the faculty washroom at Co- 
lumbia which alleged, "Anti-Semitism 
predated the Jews by three thousand 

"Basically," said Goldberg/* Israel is 
faced at present with three major prob- 
lems; a desire among certain elements 
of the population to continue living, 
the increasing incidence of visions of a 
final solution among right-wing kil> 
butznoids, and a bunch of 'Rabs who 
don't want to pay rent. 

"Some of .Israel's problems stem 
from the fact that for the last three 
thousand years, Jews have been devel- 
oping ethical systems designed to con- 
vince Christians not to butcher friendly 
trading nations i\m\ to make them pay 
interest on their loans. This time would 
have been better spent cooking up new 
bombs. Consequently, the Arabs, who 
spent the same historical period laying 
down the basics of mathematics, medi- 
cine, and astronomy, taking onjy peri- 
odic breaks to introduce each other's 
sons to hashish and sodomy on three- 
day camel excursions to Medina, have 

: ■ ■■ 


■ j£ — ^ 

t ./ ,, 

fostered a certain amount of good will 
among the major powers; good wU! 
bulwarked largely by the size of their 
available oil reserves, and to a lesser 
extent by the legitimacy of their land 

Jul contrast to Goldberg's opinions 
are those of Abduh Avaricious Sodomi, 
as set out in his ferociously analytic 
treatise, Sand of Our Fathers. Perhaps 
a trifle daring in his stupidity. Sodomi 

(self -acclaimed leader of the Great 
Glorious and Correct Palestinian Hegel 
Appreciation Society) makes tt clear in 
the fust few pages of his treatise (writ- 
ten for the university he founded on a 
rock in the center of a refugee camp) 
that his ambition is not just to lead the 
Palestinian people back to their rightful 
homeland but to drive a targe foreign 
car and tell his neighbors when to bathe. 
He quotes at great length and to 
little purpose the sixth century n.c. 
Arab poet El Mutantabi: 

A time will come when a heat- 
crazed prophet with matted hair 
will lead from out the desert a 
people devoid of culture, gold, or 
maidens of any beauty. These peo- 
ple shall proclaim to all who will 
listen in the marketplace and at 
l lie city gate that I hey are a people 
chosen of God. And they shall 
anger the king with their pleading 
that he cease to quarry stone, cm- 
ploy slaves, and retain his prepuce. 
And they shall kill animals in their 
worship and [at this point the text 
is unclear] murder in (her dwelling 
palace) a 1 priestess of beauty?] and 
others who are unclean [like 

As 1 sit here now mulling over his- 
torical antecedents and a cooling glass 
of cinnamon-scented Barbados rum. it 
occurs to me that articles in thcNYRoU 
are paid for by I he word and not by 
the number of fashionable sentiments 
expressed ur the number analogies flat- 
tering to the readership employed in a 
given paragraph; and llwl if an article 
can succeed in assuring the reader it is 
possible both to dislike Nelson Rocke- 
feller and remain a valuable contribut- 
ing member of the lounging and specu- 
lating set, it has fulfilled, albeit thinly 
and without foul language, both its pur- 
pose *mi\ a portion of mankind's in this 
world. □ 

Yet Another Poem 

by Ozzie Maudlinstraum, translated from the English of W S. Merwin 

From Russia with gloves 

and after the .soup 

we walk in snow 

a burning in my heart. 

difficult to distinguish 

We pass many cemeteries 

one from another 

the gravestones remind me of a city 

like night and day. 

but the citizens are dead. 

Quite soon we will he, too, 

Workers with two left hoots, 

but that's the human condition 

workers with two left feet, 

for you. 

January K 1976 

Copyright ©2007 National Lampoon Inc. 

You Don't Have to Be Jewish 

The Note 

by Philip Roth 

Random House, 356 pages, $7.98 

Bruce Jay Friedman 

Finally, in The Nose* we sec Rotli 
rising to the level of his material al- 
most as a fool note to his own asterisk 
of literary populism. Still f tinny (of 
course!), and hilariously so, as he aulo- 
biographically pens This trip through 
his own odyssey in icrm.s of the fictional 
Sammy Click anil his frustrated yet 
maturing tumble from the poveny of 
New York's Lowci East Side to respec- 
ts bJe success as resident writer at a 
prestigious Ivy League university. 

There's a profound reiteration in the 
telling of this entire expansive growth 
—the execrosexuaJ peeks al his pathetic 
sister, the school yard bully, the final 
emotional confession thai is, even so, 
revenge foreboding guilt. Funny? Yes, 
But funny with thai lash of iruthful 
sting. Take the childhood scenes, for 
instance the eye-dampening laughter 
of the famous "dishes* 1 passage, or the 
portrayal of sensitive Sammy and his 
eternal constipation born of oppressive, 
smothering though somehow heroic 
motherhood which we sec, in one of 
this novel's illuminations of descriptive 
light, harassed by her ill-provided brood 
and telling Sammy that, "A gov i she 
Irish Police down (he convenience lives, 
Oi! So? What could a mother do should 
you not be in bed before I he toilet slops 
to Hushing?"* 

Wholesaling It 

by Bruce Jay Friedman 
Random Mouse. 35ft pages, $7.98 

Saul Bellow 

Only one example of Friedman's 
skilled ability to capture dialogue— 
pithily, touch ingtv, feelingly, The son 
of pithy feeling touch lhal lets him 
communicate I he whole world of Sam- 
my Click's Lower Hast Side as a com- 
plete universe, 

Building a legend of mythology out- 
sulr the symbolical, Friedman uses the 
fact of our own human bowels lo pic- 
turesquely illustrate Sammy's conflict 
between creativity and material reten- 
tion, fear and act ion -to do and not to 
do. It's a frightening (error inspired by 
a sometimes hateful Jove, and Fried- 
man promotes his thesis even while 
showing its other side in Sammy's 
dream /horror achievement of an adult 
role in the world o( intelligent inteJlec- 
tuals towards which he yearns and 
strains through ihe budding sex unlit y 
of pubescence and its trials: when the 
author takes us out. in the tenement 
halls with Sammy, guts Lull of anxiety 
and waste, to stare through the keyhole 
at the open -robed sister, sad in her fat 
and fate of wealth without true riches; 
when he painfully recounts the daily 
beatings in the street by his Irish 
school's handball champion. 

Herzog Dcdux 

by Saul Bellow 

Random House, 356 pages, $7,98 

Bernard Malamnd 

("Only Sammy's other ofliccr in 
Sammy's other bathroom," probes Bel- 
low). Or when he brings alive all the 
complex emotions of psychological en- 
tanglement when the "pig* faced gov" 
turns up again as an important uni- 
versity department head and Sammy 
bleeds something for all of our inter- 
personal wounds when we see our 
bully's wife taste infidelity ami infidel. 

Bellow is writing us a kind of success 
Story, and then lakes away the sweet 
taste of success, sometimes replacing it 
with a bitter gall. Bui. always, if we are 
to fully understand this quintessential 
essence of the American inner saga, 
there must be a com inning return to 
Sammy Mother, conserve-spew, the 
touch of protection and the protective 
spasm of (ouch. So that on the intricate 
sparseness of a single character's frame- 
work in his own life, we see hung the 
cloths of a larger tapestry in a story of 
doors man may never have been meant 
to open and windows he was never 
meant to close. 

Though, on the other hand, there is 
no denying the vitality of Bellow's 
treatment of Sammy's mother, particu- 
larly (her frankly anal approach to 
discipline aside), □ 



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Broktcr, Abraham and 
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Garvh'yst, Theodore L. 
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first published study of 
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Lis! Pine: 414.0? 

Sale price; $6, SO 

Copyright ©2007 National Lampoon Inc. 

The New York Review 



To the Editors: 

Mr. Harold Bloom's noi\cril\ci&m of the 
new John Updike oettvre (I he issue last) 
smacks of desperation m d au t one might 
observe, almosi Byzantine depravity of 
taste. Whereas with what exquisite formu- 
la lion of elan has Mr. EX. modeled his ti 
leaf projectiles onio attthnrium for all time 
now. In a by now happily characteristic 
gesture, the brilliant substitution of 
the u har>py landings'* inscription forms I he 
penultimate 1 missive of this work, golf 
clubs and luggage depicted (circa 1932), a 
subtlety Mr, Bloom, for all his massive 
learning and an acumen which upon other, 
more minor occasions has done noble serv- 
ice to the garlanded ones, whether of laurel, 
myrtle, or ivy never sere, with his brain* 
the aberrance of a deranged pastry cook, 
could not possibly appereeive without 
these phrcnzied piopagandistic bibliosilies 
and his usual gleet and mental swelth. This 
is C7pdifce*$ gteaiest work, his Perec forest, 
of i ha l there can be no quest ion. Aside that 
Mr, Bloom "approves" of the endeavor to 
hand, to place above Updike's bodicifica- 
dons and brilliance as an urnist his foot' 
ling and flash attempts at the marmoreal 
is to mark him who so places as a goose of 
the worst ilk, and thus a decay upon the 
limbs of Updike himself. 

For the traditions of the WASP, like 
those of the bee, are to be ever-breeding, 
and we, standing out here with our "Chris- 
tian" names rampant — Lionels Lincoln — 
we, we must understand that point 
of view What has Mr, Bloom to 
say, one wonders, of Mr. Updike's 
"stocking his shelves" with transparent 
plastic ovals containing corsages composed 
of Double Bubble, cigarette butts, dog bis- 
cuits* peppermint Lifesavers, Beanie Gum, 
Krafl taffies, peanuts* and Q-tips, the act 
of a nonpareil ironist? Top h if you can, 
Finch rose memorial oases- pooh! Not to 
sec this is to miss the point entirely, but 
1 understand how Mr. Bloom might miss it, 
since it is situated on die top of his head. 

Most cordially, 
Bud Schulberg 

Harold Bloom replies: 

Pedrix, ton jours pedrix, Bud Schulberg 
cannot be still, like a snore always the 
same note, cverdrooling like a rustic with 
the glanders, and indeed one is am axed to 
hear that he is still alive, and Updike his 
Lcmam WclL what is so Strangely obvious 
that one can only lower one's head into 
one's palm in anguished forebearance to 

The last being: "Deliver to Newark Air- 
port! Air Alitalia, flight 10o for Napies, 
leaving at ft: 10. Don't crush the ribbon," 

have to make it plain, is that as a bouque- 
tologue J. U, is not and m a month of Sun- 
days never will be recalled by cultural 
heriiagisis, by whom he is already ade- 
quately pigeonfeatherholed for his etudes 
f tote rallies* catafal queries, and hie jacets. 
Did Mr. Schulberg own a reference book* 
he would know it. U's red carnation bas- 
kets are a disaster, his lace Bibles prim, his 
vase- work a hernia, and while his gram- 
mar in eymbidium has something to be 
said for it in the bridesmaid's scene, only 
the most poikiloderma I devote could 
stand behind the syntax of his dependent 
glainellias in posies, nosegays, and hitme- 
inthefaces, amid which I remain, nose 
pinched between thumb and forefinger, 
nil admiraru Ah, but if Mr. S. will regard 
his Hogarth-curved eofVin corners, hearse- 
blankets, horseblankcLs, standing hearts, 
and horseshoes, as he should, were he not 
so for some reason (1 do not say \ ascribed 
it to aesthetic deficiency, Sihadenfruede 
being not, 1 hope, one of my besetting 
sins) stupid, the fool would see wherein the 
strength of that clear-skinned, uncircum- 
cised. Beardsicy -faced young man lies. A 
style like baby's breath. Foi' any knowl- 
edgeable critic to assert otherwise is to 
relegate himself to the sidewalk am id the 
lotus pods, stasis, and last week's poms, 
and for any fellow artiste to difFcr with 
this view, pace Bud, is placing himself 
even further out in the street, and if J may 
reach for the mot just, horscshit. Thank 


To the Editors: 

We, the undersigned, wish to protest in the 
strongest terms the fact that big corpora- 
tions make oulHij'.eous piulUs and that 
partly in consequence, rich people have 
much more money than poor people. Fur- 
thermore, it has come to our attention 
that the police often anest people and 
put them in jail, that all the great hotels 
are being torn down, and that kids these 
days don't know the meaning of the word 
f nun iwrs. Finally, we are profoundly 
shocked by at least ten other things too 
numerous to mention which we'll write to 
you about next week. 

Ever yours, 
Paul Goodman 
l)aj» Hamniarsjkold 
Lionel Trilling 
John Berryman 
Lillian Hcllniuii (lion, d.) 
Eleanor Roosevelt 
Albert Schweitzer's 
Illegitimate Black Son 
Martin Buber 
Kdmiuid Wilson 
Pablo Neruda 
Salvador AHende 
and at least ten others 
too dead to mention 

P.S. And what about Vatican U, huhTD 

"Cage's boots are of ubviuy> value 10 both 
accomplished music ion* as well as common, 
even somewhat soiled, laymen," 

— Kadhefriz SiucUiuustm 

"Ah. wft ore cough! in the Cage ol contem- 
porary muskS" -Muskol Quo fluffy 


His two books 
on the compo- 
sition and 
performance of 
silent music 






"The performance ol Cage's new music en- 
ables performeri ro execute diverse chores 
in dissonant loco) tons In the midst ol their 
own proletsionot engagements," 

-Harold C Schonberq 
Music Critic. N Y Times 

"It is astounding to ponder iho urtlotd con 
venience . i > thoi before long cancel will 
progress throughout the v/orld without fihe 
hinderance] of annoying rehearsals ond 
temper am enM performers. Bravo!" 

—Los Angeiei Times 

Pelnora Press *4Ll> 

SJZ50 todi oJ YQVt forerill boo; uora 



I Ik- lost yoixn 
by Aufim ( liamsky 

The record it) f»ct iitid f«bk- ot I Ilia 
family of Calabria ji sab-buninx who 
let the bnur hunt pus* them by. 
Their famed offspring Osherto 
L'Gtioao, Droolobucco 11 Sujjplno, 
WHfnrddo Souiimhulo, «nd Uulciu, 
tbe slave jdrl who never look off her 
driving g»wn. The belching eon- 
lesi of -UJ'i Miiirt'L-d; the Sleeping 
Heauty Legem! traced, r l hi* "Itip 
Vim Wlnklr" stud* wake* the Bleep- 
ing faintly from tbe Blmnbcra (hey 
have tii joyed alncc upon than tin- 
Dark Ages, Bargees ■#o* itoew Us 
shades and quietly shut tin- door* 

"\ - . Llie Hl08f eumplrU- hi id must 
^rhoUrlv compilation of known 
dnlu on tltb iiiinorUuil liul uft- 
spiirurd artist" 

— Bu Hin.ru Tutillmmi 

l \ . . aphoristic* penomRl. aphoristic 
... to ii degree remfniseriit i»f D\vk- 
ej\s, Dirkilisnii, f )i \|rijfj[iih. M 

— Aruoii) Vlfaofcer 

u . . . a wunn and witty riarralivc. 
Nuiuiik ricnlc^t !"— Hannah Ar^ndl 

Piobaureachd Press 

PtakntBtTtol 04: 



4b#rd««n, $eottaad 



II you havft a dnsirs In write need at least 
350,000 a ynar to live mill aren't dfuld uf pickinij 
up your sfiatft of llic hurdftn of CDFtJClousnosi, 
thou you might be Iho kind dI Individual ihnjmd 
by destiny to be a writer. To find out II you arc 
one of the elect, eomplelo Lho foJIowinu scntenca, 
and mall it to mo, HDrman Mnilor. Tho poslmau 
knows wh«ro I livo, 

iho old boar down at last, tne you tig gaihereo 
about him, but stilt uncertain Ws wns desd, they 

Januarys. fv ? o 

Copyright © 2007 National Lampoon Inc. 


SHOCK ABSORBER insertion and 
Saul Bellow technique, if you hon- 
estly understand what this means, 
please contact immediately, NYR, 
Dox 81 102, 

looks to break Sabbath and High 
HoW Day traditions with non-Jew- 
ish young woman who speaks very 
little English, NYR, Box 443. 


humanistic, IRONIC, teleological, 
proleptic, heuristic, typological, di- 
chotomlstic, trans umptfve or meta- 
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Write NYR, Dox SG654, 

al Roman Catholic girl, ^9, pretty, 
likes Mailer, Maiamud, McKuen, 
seeks young male who will consent 
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exchange for physical love, NYR, 
Box 231 1 . 

blather, need coherent conversa- 
tion, intellectual traction, interests: 
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man, Jong, languages, music, 
opera, backgammon. If unfritimi- 
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JEWISH-GOYISH, Tired, tense Jew- 
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mfection and school holidays. 
Strong. NYR, Box 299, 

SIRES Occasional beatings from at- 
tractive.. waU-fiducated, profession- 
ally oriented Japanese. NYR, Bex 

SHEILAHJ Wg dined June* 13. You 
brought spam jelly, 1 made carrot 
yogurt j wp ate chinks. Lost your 
number. Help me, please! NYR 
Box 88331, 


WRITER needs info for booklet on 
anal retention, expuJsives. Jewish 
preferred. Possible participation- 
Write Prof. M. NYR, Box 5. 

FESSOR and vice-president of © 
well-Known liberal arts college seeks 
female companionship for quiet 
luncheon, light shopping, and dry 
humping. Must be discreet and im- 
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Parker, General Delivery, North 
Bennington, Vt. (J5201. 

WAN yet tenacious business exec 
likes certain literature and seeks 
younger females (under 13} for 
light work. NYR. Box 11. 

FESSOR of Kabbalah and Tractates 
frpm Lubovitch family of fabric 
merchants is fed up with smelly 
rituals, seeks to trade Yartzeit can- 
dles for open-minded relations with 
yountj gentlemen from upstate. 
NYR, Box 55113. 

published abroad, tenured profes- 
sor, well-versed with unusual face* 
schooled in Gt. Oritain, needs fe- 
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OVERWEIGHT MAN seeks lonely, 
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mous breasts, write NYR; Box 


ana U. prof, of entomology seeks 
responsible male for short conver- 
sations, light baby sitting, come cii- 
toral stimulation. NYR, Boh BB90. 

SION: Williamsburg, Brooklyn 
J.H.S. teacher, expert on Torah, 
seeks to convert, homosexuals us- 
ing simple prayer and other tech- 
niques. No electricity. NYR, Rnx 

TIMID AND SHY young Bronx Jew- 
ish student, glasses, from reserved, 
sedate, conserv. family* seeks rela 
tions with fedayeen. NYR, Box 732. 

realJy understand, please send de- 
tailed, confidential reply to NYR, 
Box 1 1CM&, 

sicist/lit. historian, fun-loving, sen' 
sual, sensitive, quiet, timid almost, 
with gigantic genitalia, seeks dis- 
creet relations with women from 
Ohio or Pennsylvania. NYR, Box 

LISHED, printed, and distributed on 
colorful cocktail napkins. Send 75£ 
for free booklet. 



knnws how in live well seeks wo- 
man to share bleeding ulcer, NYR, 
Box 8770, 

fessor of comp, lit. (slight acne 
scars on right temple, lower back) 
seeks sexual freedom In the form 
of controlled napalm wai fare. If yuu 
follow, write NYR, Box 22199. 

CIST, teacher of literature and lan- 
guages destres discreet encounter 
with modest or comely reptiles for 
special research project. Confiden- 
tial. NYR, BOX 80. 


seeks young man for light enema 
work. Some typing. Other. NYR, 
Box 44 1 . 

Hungarian professor of radi- 
ology at Technical College of Odo- 
bestio, congenial, intense, ironic, 
laconic, independent, occasionally 
redundant, with redundant tenden 
cics seeks pen-friend outside So- 
viet bloc with whom to discuss 
stamps and oral sex. MYR,Box55l 


REFORM LIBERAL, outspoken, 

Long island Congregational rabbi 
and wife seek well-educated, liter- 
ary blank woman for racial repartee, 
intensive interviews, tight house- 
work. NYR, Dox 3218. 

ING SMALL WORDS, I'll telf you 
how to do it and where to go. Bar- 
rett, P.O. Box 332, Grand Central 
Station. NYC. 

M.A- in organlsmic physiognomy 
needs attention tn form oT female 
who can endure such doses of ma- 
ture, physical sir ess- Asbestos. 
NYR, Box 31. 

RIED orthodox h well-mannered gen- 
tleman seeks shame. Reply NYR, 
Box 22S1G, 

spare time! Learn how, Make your 
own hours. Increase your income. 
Wilson's, Box 223, Greenvale t Fla> 

TIONATE, red-headed Hasld dia- 
mond merchant who Keeks ever- 
lasting matrimony within sacred 
covenant. Will provide carfare, 
NYR. Box 7892. 

SHTUP77 You can actually earn a 
living reading Yiddish words out 
loud in your spare time in the south- 
ern LLS, Start with simple home 
course. Yiddish Division, La Saile 
Extension University, Grand Rap- 
ids, Mich. 

lyn man, Unattached again, long 
unemployed, diffident, with a little 
psoriasis but not much, takes long 
shits, naps, reads Jewish-Buddhist 
newspapers, was once interested 
in the Hittites, hates smoking, sex 
in the morning, listening to anyone 
else, has bad Tbreath from smoking 
Camels, washes own socks when- 
ever, roil of existential bedyfat, 
wen, baldspot, into his own hang- 
ups, vulnerable, cries a lot, mugged 
twice, broken shoelace, rumpled 
sheets, teacup, cracker crumbs, 
bathroom tap. Seeks nonsmoking, 
blond, voluptuous glamor-Kir I with 
intellectual tolerances and blue 
eye3 to keep house for htm and 
snare the rent, gas, elec, be under 
standing and {hopefully) invest her 
self tn a deep, durable, and sensu- 
ally abandoned relationship, write 
Morse Tvechka, NYR. ©ox 87678. 



FILLERS for Jewish or Yiddish 
short stories. Inexpensive outlines 
for unpleasant characters, odors, 
etc. Write Knish & Kasha Filler Co., 
Box 559, Brooklyn, N.Y. 

rent. In quiet, coastal village in 
Somerset. Fully modernized and 
equipped. 3 mos. Phone 212-819- 
49^7 after 2 A.M. 

FUNKY bisexual resembling Har- 
old Bloom for weekly or monthly 
rentals and small gatherings. Must 
be Ph.D. NYR, Box 99S73. 

LATED ideas can actually solve 
your problems practically overnight. 
Send for details. Free ^ress, Box 
fifi, Orlando, Fla. 


FARM BISEXUAL. Appliances. Li- 
brary. NYR, Box 9Q0O137. 

DISEASE needed for your story? 
We have everything Tor the ethnin 
author. Simple insertions fit Into 
any story or essay effortlessly. In- 
structions. Rank Fillers, Dox 12, 
Acton, Ohio, 


for lease during 1976-77, available 
for sabbatical. Will exchange Ideol- 
ogy and matters pertaining to crea- 
tive subconscious for other stimu- 
lation. NYR, Box 881. 

up. I'm weary of this frantic social 
Whirl, garden parties, convertibles, 
highballs at the Ritz in iny squash 
shorts* The effete Nob Hill world 
makes me languid wtth ennui. 
Graceless, arch, and pertinacious 
females swigging gossip and daqui- 
ris and trying to impress one with 
their breeding and intellect at the 
same time as they are rolling their 
eyes and inching toward the bed- 
room door towards which I will not 
move from my wingback chair to 
take a step— from these and their 
kidney, spare and deliver me. ( long 
to meet a sweet, unspoiled young 
thing, about nineteen, with all her 
virtues and ideals intact, laughing 
gayly over one shoulder as she 
comes in from tennis. Fresh of 
rmna, fresh of body. If you are such, 
1 am rich beyond measure, and not 
yet forty. Randolph is my name, 
despoliation my game. But I'm sin- 
cere. So few are. NYR at oncel 
Box 35432. 

PROTESTANT? Walking around 
feeling? insulated by the cotton of 
insensrtivtty? Have invigorating, 
Yiddish Tension Massage oy over- 
weight woman. Creplach massages, 
NYR, Box 30. 

UAL in well-developed area, private 
locations, complete. NYR, Box 

don town house homosexual. Also, 
renovated early 20th oentury bi- 
sexual, Town and Country Real Es- 
tates. Avail, 6 mos. Security, NYR, 
Box 1718. 



hieroglyphs, scrolls, papyri, nave 
paintings, teepee drawings, and 
other preliterate shit, Ya want it, we 
got it! If it ain't in our large stock, 
you get our free soich soivice. Let 
us whip our catalogue to ya! Da 
Book Bug, Galloshers, Ore. 20887. 


HANG-A-POET- I'll hang and frame 
your favorite living poet. you t or 
other essayist. Send for important 
brochure. We've done Berryman, 
Flam. Roethke, Anne Sexton. Be- 
come well known right away! Bar- 
rett, P.O. Box 332, Grand Central 
Station. NYC. 


33, seeks Roman- type goy to share 
experiences and some knocking 
around on Purirn and other festival 
days, Slmchat Torah, oi anytime. 
NYR, Box 9722. 

Copyright ©2007 National Lampoon Inc. 

the New York Review 

It's ;i bright, sunny day in Dallas, but the wind is brisk, so 
I'm happy that I decided to wear my smart pink mohair suit 
with its matching pillbox hat. I've paused a moment to slip 
on white kid gloves to protect my hands from the sharp 
thorns on these lovely roses. Soon I'll be waving to the 
people of Dallas from a motorcade as I ride through Dealey 
Plaza toward the triple underpass: \\\ better hurry, because 
I don't want to be late for my,.. 

Copyright ©2007 National Lampoon Inc. 


Couched in! 

I he \ru? C44« fli.sforfr.s of l^t\('i/\ s secret jwytlmfliKjIysf 

by Cer|ld Susspian 

ne of the most carefully 
guarded secrets in (he CIA was tru 
fact that «he tqp echelon officers 
had their own |1*>ychoanii(yst. a man 
1101 conuexted wilh their regular 
iiietiic.il staff. Ah their trusted 
analyst, he heard flieir most personal ^ 
i m (li-ssifins, and anafy/.ed many 
strange, unusual problems. For 
years, 4ie has lept a set of personal 
notes, tapes, and case histories. jAfter 
Watergate, when the infamous activi- 
tn k s ul the CIA i*' i v brought into the 
open, he decided to violate the con- 
fidentiality of doctor and patient and 
publish his material. As^x CIA 
agents Phillip Kgee anH Victor M« 
chetji Before him, he felt it vugs his 
duty as an American to expose this 
huge, monstrous ojgaui/ation fB the 
public scrul* 
pseudonym < 
Couched tr 

most revealing account ot v,.ia 
activities ever written. Ttie National I 
Lampoon is proud to oHer excerpts* 
from /his important hook, soon to' be 
continued p ■ 

« * 

•>'_>, *;• -> 

»" Nt 

: \ 

Copyright © 2007 National Lampoon Inc. 

~^ S 


f .* 


*■••*■ -. "* 

Copyright ©2007 National Lampoon Inc. 

Richard Helm* 

Code name: Froggy 

Period oj treatment: 1971-1972 

Richard Helms* director of the CIA 
Irom 1966 Lu 1972, was the complete 
professional, a smooth-talking, 
elegantly dressed man whose intricately 
lined lace barely concealed a trigger- 
quick ruth lessn ess and a profound 
cynicism. He was the undisputed king 
of spies — a master of political intrigue, 
both inside and outside the CIA. He 
first came to me for treatment on 
February 16, 1971. 

"What's on your mind?" I asked. 
(Sometimes, this ancient but slightly 
disarming opening line works, espe- 
cially with someone who's never 
heard it before.) 

"Everything/ 1 said Helms, "Where- 
do 1 begin?" 

1 couldn't resist one more smug, 
standard psychiatrist retort. "Why 
not begin at the beginning?' 1 

I lelms was too overwrought to 
notice this outrageous and almost 
insensitive joke. Actually, I use 
these cheap little jokes to put my 
patients immediately at ease. 

'Tm losing control/ 1 said Helms. 
"I'm losing control of my life. Tm 
a victim o/ strange desires, I feel like 
one of those poor people in horror 
movies who turn into monsters/' 

"Give me an example/' 

"Yesterday, in the middtc of an 
extremely important briefing with 
Kissinger, the National Security 
Council, and the president, 1 had to 
excuse myseJJ because I had an 
uncontrollable desire to have my 
secretary pour hot lentil soup down 
my back while feeding me bananas 
dipped in ketchup. Of course^ 1 was 
terribly ashamed; I had to have the 
poor girl elect roshocked so she would 
have no recollection of what I did. 
She's not much use for anyone now, 
so we put her in the filing department 
under x and 3, where she doesn't 
have to do much. 1 keep getting 
unholy desires and disquieting dreams 
—day and night — and I can't under- 
stand why. 

"Last night, I dreamt I was in 
some kind of public building. 1 was 
under a long, long table, a table that 
stretched out toward infinity. 
Hundreds of people were seared at this 
table. They were all women, young 
blond women, and they all had big 
penises. Here's the sickening part. 
I was going down on these women. 
You know.,, performing fellatio... 
when all of a sudden the whole place 

was on fire. Everybody ran in a 
panic, except me. I was trapped under 
the table. And 1 couldn't scream for 
help. My voice wouldn't work. Thank 
God I woke up at that point." 

Helms was obviously carrying a 
residue oi guilt over some clandestine 
CIA plot he carried out, something to 
do with a lire or a bombing. They all 
say they don't feel any guilt, that it's 
strictly a professional matter and all 
in the higher interest of national 
security, etc., etc. But I'm not so sure 
they don't feel a pang now and then. 

There were other dreams* In one, 
he was being overrun by thousands of 
geese, trampling him underfoot. In 
another, lie was sitting on top of a 
huge zeppelin, smiling and laughing 
to himself. Then be took a long knife 
out of a holster and plunged it into 
the xeppelin, causing it to explode, 
while at the same time leaving him 
completely unharmed, floating in the 

At the next session t he told me 
about a dream where he was walking 
a pair of dogs in the country, in the 
mountains. Then he was indoors, 
in a kitchen, with a cuckoo clock 
announcing the time. But instead of 
a bird coming out of 'the clock, an 
airplane flew out and strafed every- 
one in the room — a tiny airplane with 
real machine guns. 

"Have you ever been to a place 
like the one in your dream? What 
does it remind you of? Switzerland, 

"My God! Yes, of course! I was in 
Switzerland many times. " 

My first breakthrough. Triggering 
his memory. Out of his past, 1 hoped 
to unravel the meaning of dreams and 
the strange desires. 

"Allen Dulles was based in Switzer- 
land during World War II, you know/' 
said Helms. "1 remember having secret 
meetings with him in a little village 
high up in the mountains. It was 
called Swum, or Klurn, or something 
like that. There was a medical clinic 
1 used to visit after I would see Dulles. 
Dulles liked to have little socials, 
little gct-togcthcrs, where hcVt melt 
a lot of dark Swiss chocolate, smear 
it on his face, and sing minstrel songs. 
He would make me play the tambou- 
rine. He thought I had a good sense of 

"I recall one evening when I said 
good-bye to Dulles, and he held my 
hand warmly and said, 'Whatever 
happens, I promise to do the best 1 

Copyright ©2007 National Lampoon Inc. 

can/ I guess T must have been on 
some kind of dangerous assignment 
Tor the OSS at the time. I was sta- 
tioned in the London branch. The 
OSS was the forerunner of the CI A, 
as you probably know. I remember as 1 
said farewell to Allen thai I fell very 
frightened. I wasn't sure if I'd ever 
come back/ 1 

I lelms looked grim. He was digging 
into some painful memories. Whoever 
said war is hell wasn't kidding. It can 
have a traumatic effect on people, 

"I had to put on an elaborate dis- 
guise to conceal my true identity/* 
said Helms. "I was made up into an 
old woman, a hag. Allen even insisted 
that all my teeth be pulled out and my 
jawline reset, for perfect realism. 
It was a terribly painful operation. 
Eventually, I got a new set of teeth, 
of course, but they'll never be as 
good as my old ones, 

"The next thing I remember is 
running down a corridor and climbing 
a long ladder to the street. Bombs 
were exploding all around me. I may 
have been hit. I'm not sure. There 
was a car somewhere, We drove for 
hours. A plane was waiting for us. 
We flew to safety." 

For the next few weeks, Helms 
would alternate between moments of 
clarity and odd paranoiac I its. He 
thought his food was being bugged — 
that his rivals in the CIA were 
installing near- invisible microphones 
in his vegetables, highly sensitive 
microphones that were resistant to 
the digestive system and remained 
in the stomach, recording His every 
word. But his memories were coming 
back, and he wanted desperately to 
relate them to me. At first, he 
wouldn't talk for fear of being re- 
corded, so he wrote down an account 
of his postwar years. 

What I Did Alter the War 

by Richard Halms 

"As soon as I flew to safety after 
that secret OSS mission, Alien got 
me back to the United States, where I 
was decorated with the Distinguished 
Service Cross. Then I was sent to the 
'farm/ the CIA training center 
in Virginia, where A Hen wanted me 
to rest and recuperate from the 
horrors of that mission. 

"Evidently, 1 was pretty badly shelb 
shocked, because Allen insisted that 
I needed extensive rehabilitation, 
God, I remember ROing through all 
kinds of strange treatments, with all 
sorts of wires and gizmos attached to 

continued nn page fi2 


* "%* 

f u 

The Sixteen 
Amazing Differences 



1969 I 


by David Smith 

SJanty Hanks Lincoln 

. .Kone Fitzgerald Kennedy 

Sfo higher education ».,,«•»**. 

. Harvard 

Wver wrvt-tl in m Hilary, 

. , War hero 

\W Salem poMma»rer. ...... 

..NVwUorftiad'l 10<>j 

Mever played football - . 

. I not ball entfyuiiatf 

Not frish. .... 

. irh.h 

Needed beard fof personality. 

. -Cbarrrn i 

Mon'CalhoJic. ........ .. 

, .Catholic 

NWthAourh campaign issue. 

. Religion campaign issue 

No daughter, . , . 

. .Caroline 

Morth Carolina gecedet. ..... 

. North Carolina ha* a Wilmington, too 

Mever dealt with Cuba 

. .Cuban miv.ilr i > [fjl 

N'tgroe* freed , , , . 

Negroni riot 

Mo more volunteer army. 

- Still no volunteer army 

Sever went anywhere , , 

. European four 

Wver shaved. ............... 

. .Clean- aha ven 

Copyright © 2007 National L 




h. i 

c.u* " 

Couched in Secrecy 

continued from imm fffl 

my head, and taking all sorts of new 
drugs, wonder drugs, Allen called 
them. Then there was a little surgery 
done on my face. I must have been 
hit by one of the bombs back in 
Europe* I don't know. Everything was 
a blur to me, I just remember months 
and months of medical treatment to 
get me back in shape, 

"When I felt strong and healthy, 
Allen would visit me every day and 
give me all sorts of fine books to 
read. He'd take mc to lectures and 
films and discuss American politics 
and foreign policy through the night. 
At that time, I was living in my own 
little bungalow in a nice, secluded 
spot on the farm. I had a full staff 
at my disposal — male housekeeper, 
cook, gardener, even a valet —a 
pretty big staff for such a small house, 
but Allen insisted I needed them. He 
thought it would be better for me to 
stay in seclusion until I was perfectly 
cured ol my war injuries. Since I 
would soon be engaged in highly 
confidential CIA work, he didn't 
want to risk sending me out while 
there was still a possibility that I 
could lose control of myself. He felt 
a strong obligation to me because he 
was the one who assigned me to the 
dangerous mission that resulted in my 
wounds. He wanted to he sure 1 was 
in A- 1 shape before 1 went back to 
active service on the outside. 

"Meanwhile, I worked with Allen 
as a sort of right-hand man, consul- 
tant, adviser, whatever you want to 
call it. He even gave me a title: direc- 
tor of special services. He wanted 
me to be his unofficial foreign policy 
adviser. One rime, 1 said to him, 
'Allen, isn't that a little out of my 
line? I'm an expert in clandestine 
operations. Besides, the CIA is an 
intelligence agency, not a foreign 
policy outfit. Foreign policy belongs to 
the state people, iVest-ce pas?' He 
said, 'Never you mind what belongs 
to who. We're all working together as 
a team, and I think your contributions 
would be invaluable to us*' Where- 
upon he would cook up some delicious 
vegetable- protein cutlets and brew 
some peppermint tea and pick my 
brains on whatever problems and pro- 
jects were on tap. I was very influen- 
tial in our major decisions about the 
Korean war, the Berlin Airlift, the 
overthrow of the leftist thugs in 
Guatemala, and that gangster Moss- 
adegh in Iran. 1 also advised our 
people to get started early in Laos 

and Vietnam. 

"I'll always be grateful to Allen lor 
instilling a strong sense ol patriotism 
in me. That's the bottom line for us 
at the CIA, believe it or not — and 
you better believe it. Our critics 
think we're immoral, amoral, cynical, 
or whatever because we do a little 
spying anil engage in 'dirty tricks.* 
. The fact is, we do it for the best 
cause in the world — the security and 
well-being of our country. Far from 
being cynical or immoral, I think 
we're remarkably old-fashioned. We 
simply love our country and what it 
stands lor. And we recognize our 
enemies, foreign and domestic. I 
know this sounds corny, but I still 
get goose pimples when I hear the 
1 Star Spangled Banner' being played. 
I'm simply proud to be an American, 
I guess. 

"How long did I stay at the farm? 
Pm not sure, It must have been at 
least fifteen years. I lost track of the 
time, what with all my treatments 
and my consulting work with Allen. I 
didn't seem to mind the seclusion. 
Once in a while, my tics would act 
up. The left side of my face and my 
hands. Again, it was those old war 
wounds. That's when Allen would 
take me to his beautiful country house 
high in the Blue Ridge Mountains in 
Virginia. He always provided lovely 
female companions for me, his nieces. 
They were usually about nineteen or 
twenty years old, with long blond hair 
and blue eyes, and most important, 
they hat! a deep, abiding love for their 
country. I am not a particularly 
strong man, btit when I was with 
these girls I would think nothing of 
taking them on my shoulders piggy- 
hack style and riding them all over 
the house as they sang patriotic songs 
to me — everything Irom our national 
anthem to the songs of George M, 
Cohan, The more they sang, the 
stronger I got. They would have to 
beg me to let them flown! I was very 
happy at Allen's country house. 
Sometimes he would let me walk 
his dogs, his Alsatians, f was at my 
best at those times, very relaxed and 
clear-headed, and Allen would dis- 
cuss the most confidential govern- 
ment a Hairs with me. 1 would even 
surprise myself with the bold n ess 
and decisiveness of my ideas. Allen 
almost always agreed with me. About 
invading and conquering East 
Germany, for instance. Or raking over 
England and using it exclusively as an 
air base lor our jets and missiles. 
But there was always some snag — 

some wishy-washy type in Congress 
who objected* or that the president 
was afraid to act when the time was 
ripe. Sometimes 1 used to fall into 
terrible rages because my ideas were 
not used, and the tics would start 
again. But Allen would calm me 

Helms s account ol his post-war 
years was remarkable, but was it true? 
As far as I knew he worked for the 
CIA in a regular capacity in various 
important jobs during this period. He 
knew Dulles, but certainly not as a 
very close friend and adviser. The 
secluded, circumscribed life he de- 
scribed was at odds with the known 

Unless his comings and goings 
were far more secretive than I 
thought, I'm only a psychiatrist, not a 
master spy. And the CIA is capable of 
tricks and deceits we ordinary mortals 
wouldn't dream of. Perhaps Helms 
used his regular desk job as a cover 
for his real operations at the farm. He 
probably put in a token appearance at 
his desk job, then went to do his 
secret work with Dulles. 

His ideas were a bit farfetched, 
even in the glory days of Allen's 
brother. John Foster, and his famous 
brinksmanship theories. I asked Helms 
about this. He agreed to talk to me 

"Actually, one of my boldest ideas 
was carried out" he said. ^Unfortu- 
nately, it was a failure. I am referring 
to the Bay of Pigs invasion." 

"I thought the Bay ol Figs invasion 
was conceived and planned by Dulles 
and Richard Bissell, his director of 
clandestine services," I said. 

"Oh, yes" said Helms. "Bissell 
and Dulles were involved in the 
revised plan, the plan that called for 
a small invasion coordinated with an 
underground uprising from within the 
island. But my original idea was to 
launch a full-scale attack. Land, sea, 
air^-division after division pouring 
in— dive bombers, paratroopers, naval 
bombardment. We would have 
crushed the Cubans in two days! If 
you have a tough nut to crush, you 
don't use a pin, you use a nutcracker. 
We tried to be too clever. We used 

Here was another side of Helms I 
never won It I have guessed at. The 
man was a firm believer in the Big 
Stick, might makes right and all that. 
If Freud told us once, he told us a 
thousand times — there are two sides 
to a coin. The ultra- cool Helms, out- 

continued on page £6 


Copyright ©2007 National Lampoon Inc. 


al Lampoon Inc 





Bus Touts 

When in 

Dublin, see it as James 

Joyce did. James Joyce bus tours, 

every day, 9:00 PM, 'round at 

Grogan's bar. Liffy-Jiffy Tours, Jrom 

the professional Irish. 

Kitty O'Shea's Plastique Museum 

If rubber bullets, real bombs, and barbed 
wire are your idea of an Irish vacation, go 
to Belfast. But if you d rather your violence 
were psychological, visit Kitty O'Shea's 
Plastique Museum and see: Three-room 
Kevin O'Brien Exhibit; shows O'Brien 
moments after Protestant bombing. 
Brendan Beliun Room; mechanized display 
of the poet collapsing under the weight of 
consciousness. Hoist a jar with life size 
Samuel Beckett figure, receive complimen- 
tary photo. See singing model ol Sammy 
Davis do "When Irish Eyes Are Smiling"; 
shure it'll break your heart in two . 
1 Pence and AYE for AN EYEFUL1 
Kitty O'Shea's 
Drunk Monk Road, Dublin 

Visiting Dublin? 
Come to the Abbey Theatre. 

See the ghost of W. B, Yeats 
appear nightly to acclaim the 
Abbey's production of the 
"Mikado." Don't miss this 
once-in- a-lifetime opportunity 
to hear and see a perfect characterization 
oi Ireland's renowned poet- 

King Farouk Fan Club 

Join today and offer respect to the 
man who commissioned Sean 
O 'Casey Lu write a play on the 
opening of the Suez Canal. 
Despite the fact O'Casey 
never finished the play, Farouk 
remained a friend of Irish letters. 
Send fifty cents today for pictures, 
flags, and chunk of felafel. 

v^^pv Catholic Dating Service 
M V "Monsignor Mike's Reputable 

r/^-~^\5i Escorts" 

■ j* 'tt&g Alone of an evening? Of the true 
faith? Give Monsignor Mike's a 
call. Over fifty colleens to choose 
from, all decent, all respectable, 
with post-date confession service 
available at a slight extra charge. 
Holy water sports, mortification of the 
flesh, host-eating all available. If you didn't 
sin, our savior would be out of a iobl 

George Bernard Shaw 
Museum oi Punctuation 

See here the semicolons, 
colons, and other points of 
punctuation employed by 
the great George Bernard 
Shaw in his many works of 
literature, 142 Dumb Nuns 
Roadj Bollocks, Dublin. 

Bemadette Devlin Explodes 

into the Future with 

Dynamite Best Seller 

Shouting Down the Devil , second volume of her 
autobiography, shure to sell, shure io please. Ideal 
for shut-ins, the blind, ihe brahnduinayed. 
Inexpensive. Practically worthless. 20 p^ 
Box 22, Fleeced Priest Road. 

Monsignor Mike's Alternate Bating 
Service— Catholic Birth Control 

Have a gay old lime with the Irish fairies. 
Monsignor Mike will introduce you to rosy- 
cheeked altar boys and butch lads from 
Maynooth. Don't let your furrow go 
unploughed, absolution guaranteed. Ask 
for Tinkerbell, 69 Bent Eli Road, Dublin. 

Dog Milking 

No baby need go thirsty when there is a she-dog 
about. Milk dog or allow baby to nurse self; avoid ^y* 
needless exposure of breasts, danger of infection. 
Dogs available by arrangement Loony Monk 
Kennels; setters, woolly-sheepers, tankers, mulls. 
For export and domestic use. 
No, 10 Rabble Mews, Dublin, 

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ill ilTT 







Copyright © 2007 National Lampoon Inc. 

ily Wants to Join You 

(We're not out of the redwoods yet.) 


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Copyright ©2007 National Lampoon Inc. 

Diplomatic Muscle 

by Robert S. Wieder 

nmziger, the Secret Service 
agent, felt like your old socks, and he 
was in a lousy mood. He was praying 
God, would snivel him something to 
kill. Human would be nice. Please let 
some syphilitic Puerto Rican guerrilla 
loonie come over the Pennsylvania 

Avenue fence, there, with a garbage 

pail lid in his teeth, or a space-mad 
junkie anarchist with headphones and 
a Garand. whatever. Send me some 

It was fate morning in the spring 
and the silver humidity presented the 
District of Columbia at its best — 
which was slimy — and Danziger had 
missed seven out of nine watching 
"Hollywood Squares" last night, and 
then was just smashed enough and 
prime to grease it to that little brown- 
haired number at Purdy's when he'd 
thrown Up. Send anybody. He\\ put a 
slug in the Pope. 

1 le'd even been with Robert 
Kennedy in L.A. 

Ooh, jeez; send Jane Fonda! 

Danziger smirked. Danziger 
grunted. Danziger glanced upward. 
Danziger shit roofing nails. 

What he saw was the bright, vague 
nebulosity of an energy cyst from the 
star system Ceres Omicron VII making 
a casual approach arc out of the haze 
and coming to rest, balloon -like, on 
the west lawn of the White House, 

What he thought he was seeing 
was the Blessed Saviour, come in 
outrage at his homicidal thoughts to 

kick his shorts in. 

But then the energy cyst whirred, 
clicked, and made a noise like a Coca 
Cola machine. U settled into the lawn 
with sudden heaviness. It ceased to 
glow, and solidified into sort of a 
pillbox and/or seamless lavender ingot. 

A car aerial rose out of its flat 
upper surface. 

It wasn't sixty feet from Danziger. 
This was oO Blessed Jesus here. This 
was big action: the Russians; the 
Israel is; the Masons! 

Danziger 9 asshole whistled with 

It wets the answer to a prayer. 

The sidearms issued to the Secret 
Service White House detail are Smith 
fy Wesson 357 Combat Magnum 
Model 19s. A 110-graiu load pushes 
a soft -point expanding slug out of 
these items with a muzzle velocity 
of 1.690 feet per second, or 1.153 mph. 
Such a slug will go through a Pontiac, 
laughing all the way. Danziger drew 
his piece and took aim at the lavender 
ingot; which wasn't difficult, it stand* 
ing about seven feet high by fifteen 
feet across by nine feet deep. 

Danziger gave it six rounds point 

He could have gone and shot at 
Mt, Lassen. 

The Utile nub at the tip of the 
aerial on top of the ingot didn't 
move, bin did emit an invisible pulse 
of impressively complex magnetism. 
The pulse encountered Danziger and 
Copyright ©2007 National Lampoon Inc. 

made all of his carbon atoms become 
silicon atoms. 

The next Secret Service man on 
the scene was Fischer, who had just 
come up from the San Francisco 
o if ice and was definitely a comar, 
only four years in the Service, and 
already working The Man, Fischer's 
father headed the AM A lobby. 

Fischer had dropped the Ouzi 
submachine gun that almost blew 
Kissinger through the fusilage of Air 
Force Three over Kansas. 

Fischers fathei had .i bigger liquor 
bill than Nevada, 

Fischer was so lucking ripped on 
Afghani Primo rigln now that he 
couldn't piss and bit the ground. 
What the tuck was ihis shit? A big 
lavender jeDo mold'' What was with 
Danziger? Light my crotch, they've 
turned Danziger into .i b\y, Imcikerid! 

Fischer moved to draw his 
service revolver, but an abrupi and 
more pressing instinct seized him 
suddenly. He pulled an Fxcednn 
sample bottle oui tji Ins p.mts pocket. 
He drew a Bic pen casing out ol his 
collar, made it ,\ tube I mm the bottle 
to his nose, took two violent snurks. 

It saved his life. . 

Within Jive minutes he was sur 
rounded by the rest oi the detail 
and didn t have to make any decisions. 

TheS.S. White House Chief d 

Stall was eating his own balls. 

K\ \ I'd IV \ I 

\ i,Il»( U iM "I 

You can help feed Peter Knobler. 
or you can keep your stinking $ 6.00! 

The average dog in America eats better than the editor el CRAWDADDY. 

For ten years, 
America's oldest liv 
ing rock magazine has 
been expending tre 
mendous energies, 
publishing an uninter 
rupted steam of articles 
on rock music, news, 
sports, humor, mali- 
cious gossip, sleazy 
politics, and music, 
music, music. Our edi- 
tor works for next to 
nothing. And you? Are 
you going to let this 
sainted man starve? 

While you were 
sitting at home 
gorging yourself on 
Ring Dings and 
Devil Dogs, you 
could have heen 
nourishing your 
intellect. This is 
what you could 
(and should) 
have relished in 
recent issues of _ 
I he Whole Earth 
For God' s sake keep your head down! 
CRAWDADDY hits the target with an 
explosive compendium of murder, 
mayhem, and ricochet romance. In- 
cluded are * 'The brains behind the 
President, " the ABC's of assassina- 
tion, the Warren Omission, Big D in 
'63, plus a rare interview with 
Lee Harvey Oswald. 
Dem Stones Gonna Rise Again. 
Did you know that Mick Jagger is 
old enough to wear your mommy's 
mascara? The Stones roll on, and 
CRAWDADDY rolls with them. 
Tracing their 1975 world tour back to 
the roots in Munich for a candid con- 
versation with the world's oldest Jiv- 
ing supergroup. The winners, and still 
Skin Tight. 

"It's a sleazy world," mused a 
cameraman on the set of a California 
skin flick. And that's what 


CRAWDADDY discovered from our 
band of hard-working, selfless volun- 
teers who, strictly in the interests of 
journalism, abandoned home and fam- 
ily to probe rhe soft underbelly of 
hard-core pom, 
The Naked Lunch Bunch. 
Author William Burroughs tunes up 
his tape recorder, aims the mike at 
Jimmy Page, and forges ahead with 
a study in the heaviest metal: Led 
Zeppelin. Comparing the concert 
atmosphere with Hitler* s triumphant 
rally at Munich, Burroughs redefines 
the god Pan, white and black magic, 
and the miraculous properties of 
something called infra-sound, 
PS... There's also lots of good stuff 
on Jimmy Page. 
Bill Walton and The FBI Go 
One- On -One. 

What could an enormously powerful 
government superagency have against 
a $2 million, weak -tn-the-knee, veg- 
etarian socialist who happens to play 
for the Portland Trail Blazers basket- 
ball team? "I think they are going to 
try to discredit me as an individual so 
that people will think that what I do is 

so much jive, 1 ' says Bill Walton. We 
don't think it's jive, and to prove it, 
we put Bill on the cover of our May, 
1975 issue, to let America's newest 
"alleged perpetrator" 
sound off on government 
harassment, sports activ- 
ism, and the glories of 
Who is Bruce 
Springsteen and Why 
Are We Saying These 
Wonderful Things 
About Him? 
Three years ago, 
CRAWDADDY was the 
first to discover and spot- 
light one of America's 
most talented , prolific 
and previously unherald- 
ed composer /guitarist/ 
singers. Now, 
been proved prophetic 
and presents the 
exclusive Springsteen 

Plus Many More Too 
Numerous to Mention 
If these scandalous tidbits 
have sharpened your 
appetite, fork over the six dollars, 
Jack, and get yourself a year's sub- 
scription to CRAWDADDY. That's 
right, for the price of six consecutive 
visits to McDonald's (minus change 
back from your dollar) CRAWDADDY 
lets you have it your way. Once a 
month. Twelve months a year. Which, 
at 50* an issue, is a pretty tasty offer, 



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State _ 


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Please add $1, additional for Canada, 

$2. for Foreign, (per year.) 32 m 

Copyright ©2007 National Lampoon Inc. 

With the startling revelation hy the Broth ere 
Shubert that Vaudeville was considering buy- 
ing and razing the Metropolitan Opera House, 
the controversy over the deaths of Vaude- 
ville and Burlesque has again erupted. Most of the United 
States has never seriously questioned the Disney report, 
which found thai David Sarnoff acted alone and that only 
one pie was used. Now, however, with the Shuberts' 
slory t private reports that Milton Berle believed that 
Vaudeville knew and approved of the secret demolition 
plans, and rumors that Jack Benny was planning to talk 
shortly before he died, there is a growing movement to 
force the Los Angeles police to open their freezer and 
allow inspection of the remains of the fatal pie to see if it 
matches the crust marks found in Sarnoff s pocket. 

Who can forget that horrible moment after the fatal 
throw as Mrs* Vaudeville, pie stains on her pink suit, cried 
out, "I've always bated blueberry! 1 ' That it was, in fact, 
huckleberry does not diminish the poignancc or the tragedy, 
but it does raise the question of how Sarnoff was able to 

obtain such a dangerous fruit over the counter. Did he 
have help? Perhaps from an organization of "Downeasters" 
—a people known both for their love of the huckleberry 
and their hatred of comedy? And who is the mysterious 
"Sara Lee"? 

This also raises a connection with Burlesque's slayer, 
David Susskind, known to have been an agent for AGMA, 
under whose shadowy jurisdiction is the Metropolitan. It 
has long been rumored that the "Opera," a world-wide 
organization of Italian origin, has been behind the series of 
theatrical assassinations that have plagued this country 
since classical actor John Wilkes Booth savagely seltzered 
Lincoln during the performance of a farce, but this may be 
only a small blackout in the long history of animosity be- 
tween the groups, which started In 16 10 when a member 
of the Commettia dell' Arte assassinated Henri IV of France 
with a rubber chicken. Whatever the final outcome of the 
current investigations, the situation seems summed up best 
in the painful, rueful words of Jerry Lewis— "That's 

Copyright ©2007 National Lampoon Inc. 






Many a grandparent looks hack uHth nostalgia on the sim- 
plicity and innocence 0/ the assassinations of yesteryear. 
Hire is Mayor Gaynor of Neu/ York —a true old-time fav- 
orite^ as an attsml)t is mack to permanently retire him 
from the stage of politics. 

The folio uring series of hillings was turned into a Jwfmlar 
television series. Millions saiuthis moment live on the old 
'*Ybur Shouj of Shotus." 

Copyright© 2007 Nai 

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Abroad as well, the vendetta continues, the Japanese imjcttce of temfcura having been traced back to the eleventh century. 



The faTmjus sufter*8 film taken 'during Burlesque's assassination has been the subject of much controversy* Proponents 
of the conspiracy theory see in this blow-up of tta shrubbery from frame 191 a light- haired man in a dark raincoat and 
a short black woman with an afro, both on roller skates, throwing JXes— one custard and one meringue, The man is 
left-handed and possibly a fairy, Q 

Copyright © 2007 National Lampoon Inc. 



t \ 

LittleFeat The 

"H»rMJnam*ofttit*r««>rdUth* fir*t 


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Copyright ©2007 National Lampoon Inc. 

Diplomatic Muscle 

continued from pas* 71 

"Nobody ever mentioned anything 
like this," he kept saying. 

*'You think it*s hostile?" a lieutenant 
wanted ro know, 

"I think it's a PR thing," said 
somebody. "I bet they got the new 
Corvette under there or something. 
Those advertising sons of bitches* 
They'll try anything, since Haldeman." 

"Nobody ever mentioned anything 
like this,*' said the Chief of Stall. 

"Nobody ever mentioned anything 
like whatT* Fischer laughed. 

"Can the Army handle it, you 
think?" the lieutenant wondered. 

"It probably is the Army/' some- 
body else said. 

The Chief of Staff s guts dropped 
out. His brain locked up like a set of 
seized brakes. Oh, Chri3t. Oh, Mother 
of Christ. It's him again. He's like a 
vampire. You can't kill the bastard. 
The Chief gave a strangling sound* 
It's Nixon, 

The men in the first jeep carried 
a seventy mm. recoilless rifled. Calling 
this weapon a rifle is like calling the 
Titanic a rough crossing. It could 
eliminate a whole firehouse. It was 

the best thing die Chief of Staff had 
seen since his wedding night. It was 
gleamingly new. The guys in the jeep 
looked like they couldn't wait to try 

it out. 

+ * * 

"What is this, where's this 
goddamn 'thing/ who's in charge 
here?" snapped Colonel Boyle, who 
arrived shortly. You could introduce 
Colonel Boyle as Jack Elam and fool 
anybody. "Why the hell are you 
burning compost?" 

"That r s not compose, sir," said 
somebody. "That's the seventy mm. 
assault team and their jeep/' 

The Chief of Staff had a lot of 
important thoughts on the whole 
matter. He was over conveying them 
to a silvertip pine. 

Boyle had made colonel by ca tell- 
ing on quick and by giving the right 
head to the right wives. He held his 
tongue, now. He looked around. 

The United States Army had been 
as swift, precise, and efficient as 
any military organization which has 
lost rwo consecutive wars without 
realizing it. Tanks and field artillery 
were deployed, machine guns and 
bazooka teams positioned, mortar and 
rockets zeroed in, communication lines 

established, photographers poised. 

Colonel Boyle made a face* shook 
his head. "Wonderful," he said. 

"We've got a hotline to the cooler," 
said somebody holding a pushbutton 
field phone. The cooler was a stupefy- 
ingly electronic war room which was 
located so far below the White House 
that it didn't need artifical heating. 
The U.S. Security Council liked to 
go there during situations in which 
it looked everybody might get killed, 
"He Wants you." said the guy holding 
the phone. 

"I want a hundred -year perimeter 
around that eon of a bitch," said 
Boyle to his field boy, Major OrsL "I 
like a good firelight as much as any- 
body, but why get pushy." 

"Paul," Major Orst was pretty 
agitated. "The .east wing's only eighty- 
eight yards away. We'll be giving them 
the Hoover Memoirs!" 

"They asked ior it," shrugged 
Boyle, "Which?" he asked the guy 
with the phone as he reached for it. 

"I think McCarthy, but you can 
bear Bergen, too; iheyVe pretty 
excited," said the guy. 

This was Secret Service code, 
Bergen was the code name for the 
Vice-President of the United States. 
continued on wise S2 


One hundred and sixty pages of the comics through the years f with 

a running, completely uninformative commentary, including how 

they were born, have lived, and will probably die. 

With never before 
published words, draw- i 
ingB, and punctuation. 

At your favorite 
bookstore, newsstand, 
or via the mails now. 
$2.50 in rich, vibrant 

The National Lampoon, Tkspt. NL176 

635 Madison Avenue 

New York, New York 10022 

Please send rae„ 

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All checks must be payable within continental U.S. 

or Canada, 

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OCTOBER, 1971/BACK TO SCHOOL: With Lho Mad parody, Rodrigucs' Hire 
[he Handicapped, Magical Misery Tour, The Campus War Game, School ol 
Hard Soil, and 135th Street, 

DECEMBER, 1971 /CHRISTMAS: With Jessica Christ, Blind Date Comics, This 
Is Your Life.. . Francis Gary Powers, The RusEinn Gift Catalogue, and Edi- 
torial Fantaofes. 

MARCH, 1972/E5CAPEI With Hitler tn Paradise, the California Supplement, 
cetebnly suicide roles, lho Papitton parody. Swan Song of the Upon Road, 
and doinq II wilh tiolphine 

APRJL, 1 972/25 TH ANNIVERSARY: With !ho 58 liu J gome-biles, The Playboy 
Fallout Shelter, Commie Plot Comics, l-rontline Denllets, Third Uaso, ihe 
Dating Newspaper, arid Amos n' Andy 

MAY, 19/2/MEN! With How lo Score wilh Chicks, lho Men's Pages, Germa ne 
Spillaine, stacked Like Me, Norman ihe Uarbanan, and ihe /jrcon As Hig As 
the Tall. 

JULY, T972/SURPmSEf Wilh Ihjrd World Comics, Hie Hafuqee Pages, Ihe 
Ullla Black Book ol Chairman Mao. How lo Be a Ho>Mnr», Sormanetto, and 
Cot. Jingo's Book at Rig Shrpg. 

AUGUST, 1972, THE MIRACLE OF DEMOCRACY: Willi True Polities magazine, 
The Coronation of King Dfek, Gahan Wilson'g Miracle ol Semorily, and Tales 
of the South comics. 

SEPTEMBER 1972/80REDOM: With The Wide World ol Meat, Our White 
Heritage, at and Hotel, the t Chink, National Geographic parody, and the 
President's Brolher comic. 

and 1 Joan Raez In Zimmerman comics, Tom Wolfe in Watts, and a tong* 
sunnrnRsmi Rolling Slones allium 

NOVEMBER, 1972/DECADENCEr Wilh Sgt Shrlvnr's Bleeding Heart* Club 
Bfind, Deie^i nay, Ihe Meat Chass Snt, thn Fetish Suppfnrnnnt, and vi;.n 
StovBriRon in RRmnants-nf-nigniiy Comics, 

DECEMBER, 1972/EASTER: Wilh Snn-o"-Gori comics #?, Chris Milter's GIN 
Oi ihe Mnrjl, Grnat Moriinriis in Chess, Diplomatic Flirjualtfi, and tha Special 
Irish SuppiamenL 

JANUARY, I97VDEATH: With The Adventures of Dearlman, Flaydead maga- 
zine, Children's Sutcidu Latturs lo Santa, Ihe Lasl-AEd KIT plus Bobbin Fisher 
Shows Yon Hnw In Bcal Death 

MARCH, 1973/SWEETNESS AND LIGHT: With Ihu National Inspirer. Ihe 
Young Aclorablus, My Own Stamp Aluum, Pheniidcupoela, urid Nice Things 
About Nixon. 

APRIL, 1973/PREJUDICE: With Anti-Duifli Hale Literature, All rn du Famuiy, 
The Shatnti of the Norlh. PrufiJes m Chopped Liver, Surprisu Pustei #4, and 
Ivoiy mncjazine. 

MAY- ma/FRAUD: Willi the Miracle Monopoly Cheating Kit, Bonmv This 
Bouk, The Privileged Individual Income Tax Return, and Gahnn Wilaun'a 
Guise of Ihe Mandadn. 

JUKE, 1973/VfOLENCE: Wilh Ihe seven Secret Japanese Techniques of Self 
Defense. Kil n Kaboodle Comics, Gun Lust Magazine, and Rodrigues' 

JULY, 1973/SOIENCE AND TECHNOLOGY; With Popular Workbench. Techno- 
Tactics, Non-PolfutiriCf Powoj Sources, National Science Fair Projects, and 
the Jersey City Exposition of Proqress. Industry 6 freedom. 
AUGUST, 1973/STRANGE BELIEFS: With Psychology Today parody, Son-o'* 
God Comics #3. Gahen Wilson's Strange Botiels of Children, and Rubington'a 
Fuzz Againsl Dunk. 

SEPTEMBER. 1973/FOSTWAR: Wilh Lite parody, Nazi Regalia for Gracious 
Living, Whitedovo comics* Vichy Supplement, Quart** Magazine, and Military 
Trading Cards. 

OCTOBER, mVBANANA ISSUE. WHAT?: Wilh Saga of Ihe Fro7fin North, G. 
Gorrton I I rid y— Agent of f,.R,F.E.P. t Amtrak Model Train Catalog, Tales of 
Noizllii High Sellout. Thu Don Jean Suhcol ol Sorcery, and B. Kllban'a Turk, 
NOVEMBER, 1973/SPORTS: With Sports Illustrated parody, Character Building 
Comics. Ooc Fseney's Seraphook of Sports Odrtltlnu, Specialty Spnrts Mag- 
azines, |37fi Olympic Prav'lnw, Al "Tantrum" C/NeU's Tamper Tips, and 
Bat Day 

DECEMBER. 1973/SEt-F-INOUlOENCE \ with Ihe National Lampoon Building, 
Our Sunday Comics, Me Magajlnn. An Angio-S^xon Chrisirnas. Practical Jokes 
for lho Very Rich, Hnw Fri SuhPrkv S^.int His Sumnwr. and Ponnijeaf. 
MARCH, 1B74/STUPID: With the Stupid Aptitude Test, Kancor Kare Kosmetics, 
The Stupid Group, and Stupid News & World Report. 

APRIL, 1974/TI1AVEL: With Gahnn Wilson's Paranoid Abroad, Alriinc Magazine, 
Amiah In Space, RMS 'Tyrannic' Brochure,. M8 Countries You Can'1 Vfait, and 
Wofcoma to Choesehurg. 

MAY, 1974/SOlh ANNIVERSARY: Wilh Son-o'-God Meets Zimmerman, New 
Bulgamobifes, Da Vinci's Notebook Vol. 11, Another True Western Romance, 
nodriguos' Handicapped Sports, and Natlonnl Anlhcma Encores. 

JUH^ 1974/FOODi With The Cooking of Provincial Nosv Jersey, Weighty 
Waddle fa Magazine, Tho Joys of Wifc-fnsting, Dtgestor'e Reader, and A Brjot 
Guide to America's Top New Ealing SpotD 

JULY, 1B7a7DESSERT; Wilh hamino Citsio Mnga^wo, Gahan Wilsons Baby 
Kood, Corporate Farmers' Almanac, Rodriguez Gflslronomlque Comique, and 
Guns and Sandwiches Magazine. 

AUGUST. 1974/tSOLATlONfSM AND TOOTH CARE: With Agiiews A Very Siz- 
able Advance, -Seed Magazine, Executive Deleted, Soul Drinks, Surprise Poster 
#7. antf True Menu 

SEPTEMBER, 197J/OLD AGEr With Unexciting Slorles, Rndrtgnes' Ssnior Sax, 
Oki /. f 7ri/f?s" Home Jntirnat, and Balfart Comics. 

OCTOBER, I974/PUBESCENCE: With VD Comich, Nancy Diew Meels Patty 
Hearfil, Maslurballon Fumrifjs, and Ttiuipori Period Piece. 
NOVEMBER, 197-S/CIVlCS; Willi The Rockefeller Ad Collection, Prison Farm, 
Constitutional Comics, and Watergate Down. 

JANUARY, 1975/NO ISSUE; With Negligent Mother Magazine, Bruce McCalt's 
Zeppelin, First High Coithgs, Watergate Trivia Test, and Nighf of the Iceleas 

FEBRUARY, 197S/LOVE AND ROMANCE. With Amvtiaori Urido Magazine, Going 
Down ttnd Getting Off wilh Brando, Historla de Amor. An Evening at Dingle- 
berries, and The St, Valentine's Day Massacre, 

MARCH, 197S/GOOO-BYE TO ALL THAT; With Barbar and His Enemies, Gene 
With the Wind '70, Englondland, The "75 Nobels. The Hold Throckmorton, and 
Tpe New Yorker Parody. 

APHIL, 1975/CAR SICKNESS: With Warm Rod Magazine. Henry Ford's Diary, 
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Ball, and Gahnn Wilson'b Shoes, 

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SEPTEMBER, 197G/BACK TO COLLEGE: With :he Vassar Yearbook, Football 
Pieviev/. Scholastic Scams. Academic Ploys, Wacky Stuff, Zany Monkoyshlnes, 
and the Esowe Parody. 

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Couched in Secrecy 

cunliimrd frpm Puiix 62 

wardly rational and objective, was 
actually more of a rabid militarist than 
the right-wing generals in the Penta- 
gon. I had to compliment him on the 
remarkable co^ er he's built up over 
the years. One ol the best, A CIA 
trademark. No wonder he's so upset 
right now, wirh his uncontrollable 
desires and nightmares. He's blowing 
his cover. 

1 reminded him of what happened 
after the Bay uf Pigs fiasco, Allen 
Dulles and his architect of the tttva 
sion, Richard Bissell, were iired. And 
none other than Richard Helms 
replaced Bissell as director of clan- 
destine services, with John McCone 
replacing Dulles as director of the CIA. 

"So you finally came uut ul the 
closet, out o( seclusion," 1 said* 

"I don't know what you mean," 
said Helms. 

"You succeeded Bissell as clan- 
destine director, a very important job. 
You couldn't have been living on the 
farm as well as doing clandestine 
work. Unless you have a twin brother." 

Suddenly his lace and the leil side 
ol his body turned to aspic. He started 
to tremble violently. I had to give him 
a sedative. When he calmed down* 
I asked him il he wanted to talk. 
Obviously I said something that 
opened an old wound, a traumatic 
experience. He walked over tu my 
couch and flopped down. This was 
the first time he used it. He n urn i ally 
preferred to talk to me face to face. 

"It's starting to come back to me" 
said Helms. "I can tell you what 
really happened after the Bay ol Pigs 
disaster. Oi course, Allen was very 
upset. He had to take the full blame 
and John Kennedy had to lire him 
to save face. The first thing he did 
after he got the news was call and 
invite me to his country place. He 
.needed a friend, someone to talk to. 
Understandably, he was a bit 

'At the house, he proceeded to 
drtnk six bottles of wine — three 
La fine '27s and three Cheval Blanc 
'34s. He loved his wines. I was almost 
a teetotaler, I could sip one glass all 
night It all tasres the same to me, 
Lafitte or Almaden, But Allen was 
determined to get dead drunk. It was 
the one time he dropped his cover, 
Allen Dulles, the first head of the 
CIA. the Grand Old Man, my col- 
league and friend, the man who was 
worshipped by every on? in the com 

panv and was actually called the 

Copyright ©2007 National Lampoon Inc. 

"king," way getting as drunk as an 
Irish sailor on shore leave! I was 
terribly ashamed and hurt. He was 
such a fine looking man! He looked 
just like a college professor, with his 
tweed jackets and leather elbow 
patches, the wire rim glasses and the 
pipe. And now he was making a foul 
of himself, 

" While in tills drunken state, 
Allen called the White House on his 
secret hot line and got President 
Kennedy himself on the phone. In a 
thick, barely understood voice he 
asked JFK to send over Angie 
Dickinson immediately. 1 learned later 
that this Dickinson woman was an 
up-and-coming movie actress who 
frequently consul led whh the Presi- 
dent. The President replied that 
Miss Dickinson was not present, but 
could be send over someone else. He 
was trying to be sympathetic to 
Allen. Allen said yes, as a matter of 
[act, there is someone else you can 
send over. Send over Jackie. The 
President did not skip a beat. He 
said, line, nu problem. Jackie has no 
plans for the weekend anyway and 
I'd love to get her away from here. 
You've got a fine stable up there, 
haven't you? Good. She loves to ride. 
I'll have my chopper fly her over in a 
halt an hour. 

M Mrs. Kennedy arrived alone — the 
picture of beauty and poise. She was 
delighted to be Allen's guest lor the 
weekend. She was very fond of him 
and treated him like an adoring niece, 
Allen managed to pull himself 
together and we had dinner and more 
wine. Alter dinner Allen was feeling 
positively giddy. He brought out the 
usual brandies and cigars and such 
and giggled as he opened a plain white 
box and spilled oui its contents. He 
said it was a combination of genuine 
Spanish aphrodisiac (not Spanish fly) 
and cocaine. It's the best and the 
brightest, said Allen™ made exclusively 
lor the CIA. We use ir lor extremely 
important spy work involving seduc- 
tion and sexual stamina. He said he 
never tried it himself, but now was 
the perfect time. "Who's going to 
join ine? H he asked, I declined politely. 
But Jackie was very excited. Her 
husband was always talking about this 
fantastic drug but never gave her any. 
Allen put on a record of excerpts 
from Wagner's Gottmiammerwng. 
The music was peculiarly ih rilling tu 
me. I was swept away by it. But 
Allen and Jackie w r ere affected 
differently. Allen was drooling 
uncontrollably and Jackie had a big 

wet spot in the area ol her crotch. 
Suddenly he attacked her. Or, actually, 
they attacked each other. He took her 
on the sofa and had sexual inter 
course with her twelve rimes. I 
counted each time, Jackie claimed 
that he gave her her first full vaginal 
orgasm, whatever that means. By rhe 
sixth one, she was totally in love with 
Allen. He applied himself tu his task 
wirh the xeal of a religious fanatic, 
seemingly rising to greater and greater 
heights, judging by the ecstatic cries 
of Mrs. Kennedy. I was more con* 
cerned with the music, but I couldn't 
help watching this appalling, frighten- 
ing sight. Finally, I could take it no 
longer, and denounced him for his 
heinous acts. He turned from Mrs. 
Kennedy, who was now asleep, and 
gave me a piercing, sober stare. 
"You've seen everything now," he 
said- "Its just the beginning of my 
revenge on John F, Kennedy. We re 
all going to be in this together." 

"I had no idea what Allen meant. 
Obviously he was under great strain — 
taking most of the blame for the Bay 
of Pigs thing — getting fired, humili- 
ated in the press. I could understand 
his need in unwind — even get drunk 
and have sex; but he really blew his 
cover with Mrs. Kennedy. It was very 
unlike my beloved professor, or 'Hcrr 
Do k tor,' as I sometimes called him. 
Thankfully, he became his old self in 
a few days, because he called me and 
requested a meeting. He asked me to 
meet him in the ladies' room of a Hot 
Rhoppe near Bethesda* He has some- 
thing very important to tell me, and 
he knew for a fact that til is bathroom 
was not bugged. 

"Allen told me that my days of 
seclusion were over. It was time for 
me ro take an active and open role in 
the company, and he was going to 
prepare me for it. He had big plans 
for me. He had a major assignment 
for me, a project that might take 
years to accomplish, lhere was no 
rush. He wanted it to be done abso 
lately right. Not like the Cuban fiasco. 
But before I could execute it I would 
have ro have a high and powerful 
position in the company. I would 
have to be the CIA director of 
C land r-sti n e se r V \ ces, 

'"But the President has just 
appointed a new clandestine directur 
to replace Bissell, Richard Helms.' 
I said," 

At this point in the story, I had to 
interrupt. 1 was getting a little con- 
fused. "But you are Richard Helms'' 
I said. 

Helms smiled. "Yes. I am Richard 
Helms, Rut in 1961, when I mei Allen 
in the ladies' room of the Hot Shoppe, 
I was tiol Richard Helms," 

"Then who were you?'* 

"1 don't know. All that rehabilita- 
tion I went through after the war. It 
made my memory kind of fuz/y, I still 
don't know All the ihs and dreams I 
get right now... they must he part oi 
some tremendous emotional upheaval 
I'm going through. But wait. ..I'm 
getting ahead ul my story. As 1 was 
saying,.. back in 1961. in the ladies' 
room, Allen told me I would become 
clandestine director, What he meant 
was 1 would not replace Richard 
Helms, I would become. Richard 

"The memories are all coming 
back. I'll never forget it. He took my 
hands in his (he was sitting on the 
toilet seat lid) and told me that the 
CIA had perfected a new way to 
create a perfect copy of another per- 
son. They could make me into an 
exact copy of Richard Helms. 1 know, 
I know... it sounds like a science 
fiction story, hut believe me. it's true. 
They do it all the lime. They were 
going to change my lace, my bone 
structure, my height, even my glands. 
They had new plastic surgery tech 
niuues, new hormones, even new 
ways to promote hair growth! And of 
course, they could change my mental- 
ity into a perfect copy of the Helms 
mind. Allen thought I would make a 
superb clandestine director, with my 
old political talents and the special 
abilities Helms had —his genius for 
political in fig hung in the company, 
his fine sense of public relations. 
And of course, Allen would be behind 
the scenes, advising me, helping me 
plan the operations, most importantly, 
the big one he had in mind. 

it COOK almost two years to do die 

complete transformation. It had to be 
done secretly, of course. Meanwhile, 
the real Helms was functioning quite 
well in bis job, the second most 
important position in the company 
next to McCone. In the spring of 
1963, 1 was ready. 1 had a few trial 
runs where the real Helms was 
detained,' and 1 slipped into his place 
for dinner with the family, golf with 
Mends, meetings with colleagues, etc. 
I did fine. My rehearsals were over. 
The permanent switch was ready to 
he made. On April I, Helms had an 
open dare for lunch and decided to 
drive to his country club in Chevy 
Chase and dine alone. He never got 
there. Allen's men were hiding in the 

back of his car. They forced him to 
drive to a secluded spot and they 
eliminated him. I was waiting. I 
simply took his possessions and drove 
to the club and had his lunch, The 
real Richard Helms disappeared from 
the face of the earth," 

f had intimations al>uui what 
Dullcs's big plan was but I let Helms, 
or rather Helms II, as 1 now will call 
him, tell the rest of the story. It was 
getting rather intriguing. I was talking 
to a complete imposter who was 
literally a mirror image of the original 
Another CIA trick ol monstrous 
proportions that 1 wasn't sure 1 
beJievecL I mean-.. how in. my other 
identities did this Helms II have i I we 
dug further into his past? 

"Where was I. doctor? Oh yes... 
the old Helms eliminated, the new 
Helms.., me, that is.,. in his place. 
With Allen being very active in the 
background. In the summer ol 63. 
Allen, Jackie, and I met in his country 
house. Allen announced thai it was 
lime for his big plan to begin. By the 
way, by this lime Jackie was his 
mistress, virtually his love slave. She 
would do anything fnr him. 

"The plan, as you might have 

guessed by now. was to assassinate 
John h Kennedy, As director ol 
clandestine services. ! was in the 
perfect position to develop and 
coordinate everything. There had to 
he a perfect cover plan, a decoy 
plan to throw everyone off. There 
also had to be dozens oi theories 
evolving out ol the decoy plan that 
would provide all sorts of motivations 
and possible suspects, all designed to 
divert attention from the real assas- 
sin. There were the angry Cubans, 
still smarting from the Bay of Pigs 
debacle. There were the angry right* 
wing military -industrial types who 
hated Kennedy. There were the right- 
wing southern interests (with 
Lyndon Johnson as their front man) 
who would haw liked to see JFK 
eliminated. And of course, there were 
Communists .mil crackpots under 
every rock and cranny. It was my job 
to plant all these conspiratorial seeds, 
to develop do/ens ol leads for the 
Investigative reports [hat would fol- 
low, and to create all sorts ol mysteri- 
ous actions and coincidences after the 
killing took placv. Of course, I also 
had to liiul and develop the perfect 
Iront man, the puhlir assassin who 
would act as the covet for the real 





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assassin, This was where Oswnlrl 
came in. 

"The beauty of Allen s plan was 
the utter simplicity ol it all underneath 
all those labyrinthine covers and 
conspiracies. The real assassin would 
be Jackie. She would be given a 
special CIA poison that worked like 
the tiny time pills in a Comae. She 
would put ii in JFK's morning coffee 
and the poison would he timed to 
work at the exact moment Oswald 
would fire his gun. The poison would 
have an instant el lee I and wuuld 
disappear in the body without a trace, 
All Jackie had eo do was jump out of 
the car when she heard the shots. 
Oswald was our hack up man, just in 
case the poison did not take full 
eifect. (We tested it ior months on 
volunteer' derelicts and it was perfect. 
But Dulles would take no chances,) 
Of course, Oswald was led tu believe 
that he was the only assassin, that it 
was his baby all rhe way. Allen 
hinted to me later thai there w ? as 
another backup man involved, with 
; mother rifle. Tt didn't really matter 
as long as Oswald was up front and 
exposed. As you know, the plan 
worked perfectly. And the follow-ups 
worked even belter — all the elabo- 
rate conspiracy theories and motiva- 
tions that go on and on like a set of 
Chinese boxes. There's absolutely no 
way anyone can ever pet at the truth, 
because it's all buried under thous- 
ands of crazy and hall-crazy theories 
ami examples ol new evidence and 
whatever. Who do you think plants 
all this evidence and makes up all the 
new theories? We do. We even 
planted some of our own men on the 
street where JFK was shot to create 
the impression that we were some- 
how involved in it! 

"And so, with JFK out of the way, 
Alien was hee to guide me. along, 
and by 1966 I was made director oJ 
the CIA — his protege had gone right 
to the top. Everything was going 
along fine until Allen died in 1969. 
Without Allen, 1 seemed in have losr 
control of myself. He was mv mentor, 
my mastermind. Without him, J had 
no anchor — 1 started getting the fits 
and nightmares. I started going crazy. 
Something deep in my past, something 
that could not die, seemed to be 
hounding me. As Richard Helms. 1 
tried to fight it off, but it didn't work. 
With your help, I began to remember 
who I was and what I did before I 
was Helms. But there must be more 
to it. There must be a reason for my 

He screamed this last statement, a 
piercing shriek that sounded totally 
unltke lits natural voice. The lies and 
trembles started again and he started 
shouting and screaming in a rhythmi- 
cal, cadenced fashion. I couldn't make 
out any real words. He spoke in half 
nonsense, half guttural sounds with 
a slightly Germanic overtone. 1 had to 
give him a sedative and pur him lo 
sleep again. 

My notes on Richard Helms II 

Most ol the pieces were falling into 
place, except for the last one. Why 
was Helms II cracking up? Emotional 
strain over leading a double, perhaps 
a triple life? Lots of CIA men lead 
double and triple lives, and it hardly 
affects them. He doesn't seem to have 
much guilt over his CIA activities. 
He operates under the umbrella of 
national security and genuine 
patriotism. A very strange case. 1 will 
take my own advice and begin at the 

1 . Helms II first met Allen Dulles 
in Switzerland in 1942 or so. The real 
Helms was in London, as Helms II 
said, an OSS man. Why would he be 
in Switzerland, visiting a clinic? I 
learned that the town was indeed 
called Khun and the only doctor in 
the area was the legendary Doctor 
Niehaiis, the originator ol the lamb 
gland youth rejuvenation treatments. 
Why did Helms II need the Niehans 

2. Helms II described an extremely 
dangerous assignment where lie had 
to be elaborately disguised and rescued. 
Dulles reminded him that whatever 
happened, he "would do ihe best [hej 

3. Postwar years: years ol rehabili- 
tation from "war wounds" — secret 
treatments, rehabilitation. Years of 
seclusion. Helms II claims ro have 
been Dulles's secret consultant and 
ad v ise r — very in i I ue n vial on ma jo r 
American foreign policy decisions. 
Helms II becomes intensely patriotic, 
militaristic, aggressive. 

4. ^l^ is transformed and becomes 
the tool of Dulles, carries out the 
assassination conspiracy (and probably 
others he's afraid to talk about). 

Hunch: Allen Dulles was always 
known to be a confirmed Germano- 
phtie. The so-called dangerous OSS 
mission could have taken place in 
Germany. In Berlin to be exact. My 
guess is that Dulles engineered a 
daring rescue mission in Berlin in 
1944. This explains the elaborate 
disguise, the removal of the subject's 

teeth, the underground corridor; 
escaping through the bombs into a 
wailing plane, etc. etc. h had to be 
you know- who. Dulles probably set 
up a perfect double Tor you-know-wlru, 
and got the real teeth planted into 
the double's mouth. When the 
remains of the body had to be identi- 
fied, the teeth would be genuine and 
everyone would be satisfied. Switzer- 
land? That was simply for youth 
treatments. The Niehans treatments 
did their job. He would now he about 
eighty -six, but he looks about sixty. 

If we accept this hunch, everything 
else falls into place. The elaborate 
reh ahi 1 i tation - hrai n wash i ng-surgery 
program. The role as secret foreign 
policy adviser; the intense patriotism 
and an ti -Communism and militaristic 

The dreamt,, the strange behavior, 

1. The dream where he was 
trapped in a large house that was 
set on lire. The Reichstag Fire of 

2. Being overrun by geese. Goose- 
stepping soldiers? 

3. Sitting on a Zeppelin and stabbing 
it. The Hindenhurg? Stabbing the 

old general in the back in his rise to 
1 lower? 

4- Walking dogs in a mountain 
village. Berchtesgaden/ Tiny airplanes 
coming out of cuckoo clocks, strafing 
in Luftwaffe style? 

5. Other signs: sadomasochism — 
hot lentil soup down his back, 
bananas dipped in ketchup (blood), 
women with penises (dominant 
mother) — o ve r j jo w e ri ng lo ve lo r 
Wagnei — confirmed vegetarian — 
penchant for young blond girls who 
Jove their country last, but not 
least, his shrieking, guttural Germanic 
outpouring he (ore \ put him to sleep. 

Helms II saw me again the 
following day, and I was ready for 
him. He listened politely as I 
explained my theory, hut he wasn't 
convinced. In fact, he was incredu- 
lous, As he countered my ideas, I 
put on a tape recording of a Nazi 
rally made in 1939 with our subject 
as the star orator. Suddenly. Helms II 
sat up and listened carefully. The 
voice on rhe tape seemed to burrow 
Into his head like a hand operated 
drill. The familiar shriek, the building 
of excitement, the simple, rhythmic 
style as ihe audience W carefully 
manipulated and hypnotized into 
action. I played the tape over and 
over (it was looped). Finally, he fell 
back and screamed the deepest, 


Copyright ©2007 National Lampoon Inc. 

loudest, most primal scream I ever 
heard- He now knew who he really 

Everything was coming back to 
him. At first, lie cried and moaned. 
Then he turned and cursed me, calling 
me every vile anti-Semitic name in 
the book. He threatened to have me 
eliminated (he could have done this 
easily). I was surprisingly cool. T told 
him that a psychiatrist never violates 
the con fid e j ices ol his patients (I lied, 
of course). He was greatly relieved to 
hear this. 'I'll is would he our little 
secret, he said. There was no point 
in raking up okl coals. The past should 
be forgotten. He was now very good 
at his job. He was serving the 
country he loved with all his strength 
and talents* Why blow such a perfect 
cover? He dried his tear-soaked face, 
winked, and said* "So I had a few 
had years,.. nobody's perfect." 

As he left my office, he added, 
"Besides, how do you know I wasn't 
a CIA agent, even way back then?" 

William Colby 

Codti Name: BHllo 

Period of treatment: 1974-1975 

William Colby first came to me 
after the Watergate business, when 
he succeeded Richard Helms as 
director of the CIA, He already had 
a long and successful career, espe- 
cially in Laos and Vietnam, where 
he specialized in counter- terror 
ta cries — • sub ve rsion , inter roga lion, 
and assassination. As head of the 
famous Operation Pho&flix, he was 

continued vti jmuc 101 

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m*^\ i Mi JT»^f ti J *I^S 



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Zen and the Art 
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The Missing Kennedy Brother 

ght©2007 National Lampoon In 

Diplomatic Muscle 

continued from page 79 

McCarthy was the code name for the 
Secretary of State. 

The President was Snerd, 

Boyle got the phone and started 
talking into it, 

"Hughes designed the thing," the 
Chief of Staff was telling his tree, 
"and Abplanalp's going to market it." 
* * * 

"I don't get it" said the President 
of the United States. 

He was speaking to the conference 
table at large, which included about 
half the cabinet, the Speaker of the 
Hpuse, various majority and minority 
leaders, several lobbyists, the Joint 
Chiefs of Staff, a few military attaches, 
a couple of bankers, some presidential 
aides, and a masseur. Nobody was 

"Well, then, what the hell is it?" 
the Vice-President was asking the 
Secretary of Defense. 

"Look," said Defense, "you rush 
me, you're not gonna get anything." 
"Well, u/hat, for Chrissake?" 
snapped the Vice-President. 

"Well, in considering the Soviet 
Union — " 

"Horseshit. Stinky/' said the V.P. 
"If Redland was breaking a product 
like this, I'd have 15 percent and 

"The Chinese?" 

"Nuts. Much bigger than the Peril. 
Better packaging, too." 

"Jesus" said Defense "McDonalds?" 

"It doesn't make sense," said the 

"Get him his duck f " said the 
Chairman of the Joint Chiefs. 

The Secretary of Stare cleared his 
throat copiously He was thinking 
how nice the Secretary of Defense s 
halls were going to look up on his den 
wall. This was, he reflected, one of 
those suspended moments in history 
when a man with guts and something 
on his shoulders besides a doorstop 
could end up with the world on his 
roach clip. He addressed the table. 

"Our advanced alien contact R and 
D team, Project Zarkhov, has a spe- 
culative report in" he said leisurely. 
"As nearly as can be determined at 
rhis Mine, we are confronted with a 
UFO guided by and possibly con- 
taining life-forms of an alien intel- 
ligence of a highly accelerated capacity, 
from an unknown alternate solar 
system. The object itself is a vehicle, 
with lethal defense capacity and pos- 
sibly military but primarily transporta- 

tional, apparently traveling on bands 
of high-intensity magnetic energy. We 
indicate a continuous strobelike 
polarity reversal enclosing the object. 
Our guess is that the controlling 
intelligence can effect total conversion 
from energy to matter and vice versa, 
These, of course, are abstractions " 

"For not cooking this prick t Hitler 
deserved it " the Secretary of Agri- 
culture whispered to the Attorney 

"I wouldn't turn my back on piggy 
In a roomful of nuns/* replied the A.G. 

"Are we going to have lunch down 
here, or go up?" said the President. 

"Where's his paints?** said a 
general crossly. "Give the dipshit a 
crayon, will you?" 

"Let's get to net figures" said the 
Vice-President. He had a voice you 
could scale fish with. He brought his 
hands into himself like a man with a 
spade (lush, "Technologically, we 
have to give them an edge. But how 
big an edge? How long for our outfit 
to make parky?" 

The Secretary of State blew his 

"Right!" said the President. 

"Who unlocked his office?" asked 
a British major 

"Turn off his pacemaker," said the 
Secretary oi Labor, 

State snapped his fingers, and the 
chief science adviser stepped forward. 
He was frowsy and shrimpish. He 
could have signed Woody Allen's 
checks anywhere. "Mister President," 
he said, "research isn't predictable. 
Otherwise, it wouldn t he necessary. It 
follows no timetable. Madame Curie 
cut three decades off atomic research 
by accident, whereas we fooled around 
trying to turn lead into gold for 

"Who is tills, Mr + Wizard?" the 
House Speaker asked the Majority 

"Cut the classroom shit, Jocko" 
said the Vice-President. "What's our 
counter-thrust potential?" 

The chief science adviser sighed. 
"Let's say every relevant research 
project we now have in the oven came 
to fruition in a week. It still wouldn t 
be a horse race." He hacked croupily 
into his fist "No contest" he 

"Take some honey lemon for that" 
said the President. 

"We can't make his life story since 
William Bendix died" said the Post- 
master General. 

"His campaign slogan for seven ry- 

six is b'cleah b'dcah./'said the Marine 

"Cut it out" the Vice-President 
told them. He had a voice like a band 
saw going through a duck. "Dingy," 
he addressed the Chairman of the 
Joint Chiefs, "what do your people 
calculate as our chances in an all-out 
scrap? Facts and figures. How do we 
stand, planetary- con llict wise?" 

"Facts and figures, Rock?" smiled 
the Chairman. He pantomimed pull- 
ing his penis out of his pants. He 
pantomimed cutting it off with hedge 

There was a considerable silence. 

The President leaned forward 
urgently, "Sounds like!" he yanked at 
his earlobe. 

"It moves and talks," said the NRA 

"Sell it, ' said the chairman of the 
Chemical Bank. 

The Vice-President was looking at 
the Secretary of State the way you 
look at your tax accountant. "Well?" 
lie said. 

"In a no-win situation," the Secre- 
tary of State sat back with a small 
smile, "we are left at a binary option 
point Cooperation or resistance. 
Insofar as resistance is prelude to 
confrontation, it is inadvisable, ft is a 
mathematical simplicity" He iolded 
his arms. He felt terrific. He'd pulled 
the world's dick off the tracks more 
than often enough. Let the teeming 
multitudes tough it out on their own, 
for a change. I le was going ior the 
Big Score. 

"So what's our first step?" the Vice- 
President asked. "How do we market 

"We could give them a deal on 
wheat" said the President. 

"Set fire to him," said the senator 
from Utah. 

"We begin with concession" said 
Slate. "We offer them ease and econ- 
omy of operation, rather than difficulty 
and waste. We give them something, 
rather than inconveniencing them to 
take it. " He leaned forward amiably. 
He was only going to give those space 
cadets the world's ass on a spit. Up 

"So what do we give them?" asked 
the VR 

The Secretary of State looked 
exactly at him. "We give them " he 
said, "anything they want" He 
repeated it around the table, "Any- 
thing they zuant. As the outcome of 
any conflict is preordained, our only 

recourse is alliance." 

continued on page 36 


Copyright ©2007 National Lampoon Inc. 


Copyright ©2007 National Lampoon Inc. 

The Conspiring 

m by Dean Latimer 

Q: Where were you on November 22, 1963, when 
you learned President Kennedy had been shot? 

Fidel Castro, Havana, Cuba: 
Oh, Tim don't like to think back on 
that terrible week. It was a Thursday 
he's dead on, no? Vm in hospital when 
the news comes that day, my cousin 
Rosalba who's hostess in the Pink 
Pussy Lounge in Dallas, she's call 
long distance to tell me. Now me, I'm 
laid up a lew days just then, because 
my new cobbler, on Tuesday there he's 
give me a brand new pair stack heels: 
and Wednesday when Pm stamp to 
attention at parade review they're go 
bam! ham! Damn near blew my ass 
oil, man. And then Thursday they're 
go nail poor John, A terrible week for 
all the Americas. 

J acq ue bin e Ke nn ed y On a ssi s , 
Florence:, Italy: 

1 was right next to him in the car, for 
heaven's sake! All of a sudden he 
pitched over forward, and then he 
jerked back, and then in the front seat 
Connally jumped a loot, and by Jesus 1 

went right over the rear end of the 
limousine. I'd still be running, it it 
hadn't been for RuJus Younghlood 
pushing me back in. He, by the way, 
was white. 

why I went there for the pasta, instead 
of Bleecker as usual, where it smelled 
weird, or maybe there was a sale that 
day.... Hey, let me check my notes 
and PI] call back. What sign is your 

Howard Hughes, Las Vegas, fVaiu 
No, 1 wasn't in any Pink Pussy Lounge, 
1 was right here at my desk, looking 
after my affairs. Its not particularly 
romantic, but you'll notice it's him 
who got killed. 

Patty Hearst, Redwood City, Calif.: 
I remember it plain as day. It was right 
after lunch, and we were lined up in 
the cafeteria to go back to class when 
the P. A. system came on and the princi- 
pal himself said school would be 
closed lor the rest of the week be- 
cause President Kennedy was dead. I 
didn't know what it meant. I was sorry 
he was dead, but glad to get a vacation . 
That night, though...! dunno, I just 
cried and cried. 

Paul Krassner, Berkeley, Calif,: 
Listen* I know it sounds weird, but 
I'm beginning to really think he wasn't 
shot on Novei nber 22 at all, I know 
they want us to think it was the twenty- 
second, they're really very, very, very 
specific on that one point. It al] seems 
to hinge on the date, But I was in an 
Italian bakery on Carmine Street when 
I heard about it, and I remember think- 
ing days beforehand that something 
had to be in the air, because that's 
Copyright © 2007 National Lampoon Inc. 

E. Howard Hunt, Orlando, Fla.: 
It was one of those corpse-gray Novem* 
ber mornings that make Washington 
look like something they dragged out 
of a river with hooks. Mv stakeout 

bench in the park across from the 
Chilean Embassy was raising weirs on 
my rear end, I'd been there so long. 
Suddenly beautiiui Rosa J ha, in a brief 
feathery outfit that rustled over the 
abundant cafe-au-lail flesh beneath it 
like the fingers of a dazzled teenager, 
set a rail, gleaming Pink Pussy Rum 
Carioca in bout ol me and whispered 
under the grueling hossa novn beat: 
It 8 on the house. Eduardu. Compli- 
ments of Madam Ruby" 

I pretended not to notice anything 
awry, although my armpits were eddy- 
ing down suddenly over my short ribs, 
In Moscow, you're being watched 
every living second.... 


Marilyn Monroe, Forest Laum, Co I if.: 
That's one thing you can't blame me 
for. you lying bastards, I was dead. I'd 
been dead lor a year. 11 you want to go 
pointing fingers, where was that punk 
Bobby when it happened? I suppose 
he s dead by now too, huh? 

Richard Helms, Teheran, ham 

Well, senator, it's hard to remember 
back ro that exact point in time, but if 
my memory s correct. 1 was on vacation 
in Nome, Alaska. I think, oh yes, I 
heard about it over the radio in a duck 
blind. As I recall, I was just witnessing 
an affidavit from my Eskimo guide that 
I had been in the blind a good two 
hours. No sir, I don't recall a Pink 
Pussy Lounge anywhere near that 
duck blind..,. 

Q : Why do you want 
to shoot President Ford? 

Jeff Davis Cunningham, Tucker. Ala.: 
I'm happy you asked, sir, The reason 
is perlectly pragmatic: I desire, simply 
enough, to be president myself. I have, 
and you can quote this, an undisclosed 
number of persons around this great 
land who only await the signal from my 
right hand to rise up and fall solidly 
behind me in my surge to power. We 
are unanimous and confident on this 
point; I tuitl, and therefore must, be 
president. Simple as that. 

■■■■,■■■■' ■.:■>:;';>■.-■ 


Selena Hushpuppy, Boulder* Colo.: 
Isn't ii pretty peculiar that there are 
six people in Gerald Ford's family? 
And how many terms did he serve as 
senator? That's right, six. And how old 
is he? Sixty.' That gives 6660, the Mark 
of the Beast of Revelations plus a zero, 
the only number invented by the Hin- 
dus, being the very signature of the 
Antichrist, or Nero returned ro Earth 
in the Last Days. Ephesians 17:19, 
look it up. Don't you think it's just a 
liule bit coincidental that all these 
things should happen pn this planet 
just as Edgar Cayce predicted sixty 

and Guru Maharaj-ji have both come 
to me in dreams, and it's my job to 
bring on the Armageddon, and mine 
alone, by slaying the Beast on the 
Final Day, W hen's that 7 

Darryl Brennan, Muncw, Ind.: 
It's not him so much, it's the woman. 
She just a fucking slut, that's all. Can 
you imagine that tkJess old whore be- 
fouling the same bed Bess Truman and 
Mamie Eisenhower slept in? It's an 
affront to God. Did vou hoar the filth 
she's always spouting? i can't believe 
she eats with that mouth- America 
doesn't need some nigger- loving ex- 
chorus hooker preaching free love and 
abortion in the White House, and 1 for 
one won't stand for it. Hi bJow them 
both to lucking hell and gone, I don't 
care if \ tla go ro jail for tL 


years ago;' Listen, the Reverent 

d Mc 

F. Lawrence Moraly, Alexandria, Va>: 
The first thing you learn in this busi- 
ness is not to ask questions. You do 
what you're told, whether you like it 
or not. When vou start asking why, 
you lose your effectiveness immediately, 
and then you 1 re no good for anybody. 

Copyright ©2007 National Lampoon Inc. 

not even vourse 


Diplomatic Muscle 

continued from page 92 

"1st das nicht der ballsy Kraut?" 
said the Minority Leader. 

"Jah das ist der ballsy Kraut." said 
the masseur. 

The Vice-President mulled it over. 
"If you can't lick 'em," he mused, 
"suck 'em?" 

* * * 

The Secretary of Stale walked like a 
man who's just discovered that his 
shit was emeralds, lie was the only 
human being on earth who knew, 
understood, and could make simul- 
taneous sense of the state policies 
and principles of the Americans and 
the Vietnamese, the Arabs and the 
Jews, the Russians and the Chinese* 
the British and the French. He would 
effectively be the Ambassador o( 
Earth to these intergalactic schmucks. 
More than that, as far as these bozos 
were concerned, he would be, nego- 
tiation -wise, The Man, Mister Earth, 
the ffpokeeman-in-fact and thus 
practical leader o\ the peoples of the 

Give the bastards Australia, he was 
thinking. Give them Iran, give them 
California, give them the Sony Com- 
pany, give them the Celtics, Jackie 
Kennedy, gum, parking. Give them 

anything they fucking want. 

And you'll get it back in Spades, 

They moved out through the James 
K. Polk French doors and across the 
Schuyler Colfax patio to where a 
small group of edgy brass huddled, 

Soldiers, scattered around the White 
House grounds like the cast of The 
Green Rp.rets between rakes, stood and 
talked in small, aimless clusters; the 
aroma of Colombo baugu curled from 
behind sandbags: a handful of Spec 
Fives were pitching pennies against 
the Robert Taft retaining wall. Some- 
body inside one of the tanks was 
laughing like helL It w^is noon, bright, 
warm, comfortable; unless you were 
supposed to be in charge. 

"Mr, President!" Major Orst's 
eyes were something from an aquar- 
ium, "It isn't sate for you out here!" 

"It isn't safe for him in the 
shower," said the Attorney General. 

"If you gentlemen would please 
remain here" State turned, hatted 
them with a hand. "I believe the 
concept ol threat to he universal, 
and universally associated with 
quantitative si/.e. Therefore, 1 would 
recommend a clearly partial gesture - 
one element of the group approaching 
singly, in a ref>resentattt>e manner, As 
wc are here to negotiate, I must 


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logically suggest that 1, myself, be — " 

"Go on, then, lor Chrissake, be- 
fore they decide we're a curious herd 
of game," said the Vice-President. 
"Hold his coat will you. Hunk? 1 ' 

,f Right."The President took State's 

"Good luck" the President told 
State, gripping his arm emotionally 
and adding, with a wink, 'Tve always 
said Id rather have you in my corner 
than theirs, but I'd rather have you 
in their pants than mine," and shoved 
him slightly toward the energy cyst. 

"1 get his autographed Mao picture," 
said the Secretary of the Interior. 

"Dibs on his rubber suits" said the 
CIA director. 

The Secretary ol State came to a 
halt when he was twenty yards from 
the energy cyst. He felt like a million 
bucks. He was going to make Nero 
look like Jackie Gleason. lie was 
going to get himself in tighter than 
Jesus, and he was feeling chipper. 
Give the fuckers anything they want 

He had a battery-powered bullhorn 
in his hand, and he brought it up to 
his mouth and flicked its switch with 
bis thumb. 

"Attention in the craft We are 
sentient, peaceful, socially organised 
beings. I am a civilian representative 
o\ my people and their government, J 
uuish to communicate tuith you. 
Will you respond? We want only to 

The energy cyst gave a hum, then a 
clank, then a sort of caw, and then 
the saline crackle of electronically 
amplified sound. 

"Well, tofiy didn't you say so." 

A four -by- seven section of the 
cyst dematerialized, and our of it came 
three slender, youthful male human - 
oids Ui bright, kaleidoscopic silks. 
They drifted via selMevilation to the 

They had pouting, narrow faces, 
pale as whey; hands fluttered 
around the delicate features. They 
had curly blond hair. Their eyes 
were deep blue and ihey had teeth you 
could go snow blind from. They 
hatted, their gazes fixed on the 
Secretary of State. The tallest of the 
three gasped, spoke to the others, 

"OH, Marri, he's just darling!" 

The smallest one clapped his 
h rinds. 

"He's beautiful you bitches, and 
he's min&" 

And with hungry moves, and 
gay as goddamn fawns, they pranced 
forward to begin negotiations. □ 

Copyright ©2007 National Lampoon Inc. 

This ^ear, 

there will be 

thirteen issues 


National Lampoon, 

One of them 
is a record album. 

The National Lampoon Music Issue, "Good-Bye, Pop," 
on Epic records and tapes, is now available at record stores. 

Copyright ©2007 National Lampoon Inc. 


m -■ 

ILU || 

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Copyright © 2007 National Lampoon Inc. 





photographed by Podar Ness 


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While evGiyone cjEsm k running awund making a bkj deal out of a iwring bailie the British managed k> lose, you can be 
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Couched in Secrecy 

continued ji'wn t>utiv M ^^ 

responsible for ihe deaths of over 
40,000 Viet Cong. 

The beauty pan of Colby is that 
he didn't look like a killer. I [e looked 
like an accountant, as his critics 
have said. I agreed, though I preferred 
to picture him as someone who sold 
marine insurance in, say. Philadelphia. 
He was slight in build, dressed 
anonymously, and had an equally 
anonymous small -boned face. 

As soon as he walked through my 
door, I detected his p rob lent, 1 lis nose 
was growing bigger. A physical 
impossibility, hut true nevertheless. 
He had been examined by our best 
physicians and they could find no 
cause for rhe growth. He had no 
allergies, no sinus problems. He was 
in perlect health. Bur the nose just 
grew and grew anyway It was now 
almost seven inches long and three 
inches thick. It was very disconcert 
ing tor a man with a bland, anony- 
mous face, Colby was very upset. 
Regular physicians couldn't help him. 
His nose was growing bigger and 
fleshier every day. Perhaps he had a 
psychosomatic p rub Jem, he said. 

He gave me a short, concise 
biography and a description ol" his 
duties, playing down his role in 
clandestine operations, preferring to 
describe himself as an "intelligence 
gatherer and administrator. 1 ' He was 
deeply religious — a regular church- 
goei — but had no problem resolving 
rhe moral dilemma of his previous 
assassination and "interrogation" 
programs. It was work that had to be 
done for a higher and more profound 
cause — our national security and our 
way ol life. 

Though he was more of ad minis- 
trator than ever, lie still liked ro keep 
his hand in what he called "e and e" 
(extraction and elimination), and so 
he started a ''junior" Phoenix program 
with the members ol his Boy Scout 
troop where he served as scoutmaster. 
"It's a Phoenix on a very small scale" 
Colby said. "Tve gotten the boys to 
capture all kinds o( animals and some 
humans, mostly derelicts who haven't 
got much to live for, anyway I've 
trained them to interrogate and 
extract information out ol the ani- 
mals In the same maimer as our 
regular operatives do with humans. 
The hoys have taken to the program 
marvelously, and have even come up 
with their own original interrogation 
devices. I award them merit badges 

for the degree of information they 
can extract. Say they capture a pig or 
a cow and interrogate it with their 
electrical equipment, I can judge how 
well they do by the intensity of the 
animal's squeals, which I record on 
my sound measuring devices. 1 he 
higher the squeal, the better the job 
and rhe bigger the merit badge. Til 
never forget the time one of my boys 
got a bear to talk. Not actually talk, 
hut scream out hi real bear language. 
Of course, we don't get top- flight 
information out of the animals — 
mostly a lot of sounds — grunts, moans, 
squeals, that sort of thing. And the 
humans, the hopeless derelicts, are 
almost as inarticulate. But the 
experience is wonderful ior the boys 
and there's no doubt that I'm building 
some great prospects lor the agency. 
While Colby was telling mc this, 
he was methodically squeezing some- 
thing, which I thought was one of 
those sponge rubber balls athletes 
use \o strengthen their hands and 
wriyts. It was a small bird. He had a 
dozen or so small birds and rodents 
with him that he liked CO squeeze to 
death while he talked. He squeezed 
them slowly and carefully, listening 
for their faint cries oi pain. His lace 
never changed while he was squeez- 
ing, nor did he stop the flow ol his 
narrative. He did it automatically, 
professionally, he might say. Occa- 
sionally, he would ntter a deep sigh of 
pleasure after a particularly plump 
mouse or a young robin had given 
him a bit of a fight and he had to 
squeeze harder. Was there something 
sexual in this? Perhaps. But more 
important, how did a man like this 
start growing such a big nose? 

My notes on Colby's nose problem 

1. The nose as a penis-substitute. 
Was Colby imporent? Was he a victim 
of the classic sadist -sublimating -sex- 
into-toriure syndrome? Answer: no. 
Besides having no guilt about tortur- 
ing and killing, Colby also manages to 
have intercourse with his wife three 
times a week, according to my tapes.* . 
2. Unconscious desire to use his nose 
as an instrument ol torture? A possi- 
bility. But how? Using the nose as a 
club and bludge6uing people to death 7 
Blowing massive shots of mucus on 
an unsuspecting victim, perhaps giving 

*As ;i rule, all CIA people bug mid tape each 
other mid. play die .funniest stuff at parties 
where their victims are not invited. Oft* » J 
the buggers, George Lazar. is a good friend of 
mine. arid gives me duplicates of everything 

!*■ doe ^ , tinned 

Copyright ©2007 National Lampoon Inc 

sri:iti:o , 




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UorMJsltit Magazine has renders who are 
disgusted hy its violent, gutter language; 
by Us perverse, shocking ideas; by its 
immersion iu every form of sex. Well, 
then, why do they read such a magazine? 
Because (hey lliink I IimI ihe filing Horse- 
slut says are (rue. What happens is thai 
someone picks up a copy of Horseshit 
and flips through it, i hen, willing or not, 
he finds himself reading it. You see, even 
though there are people who dislike 
Hi ii vsliii , no one has i-vcr ibiiiiifd that it 
was dull. The usual reaction is just the 
opposite, Sonic people get violently 
angry, Others explode, Yet they read 
every word hi it, complaining alt the 
while. Sd htHi-'sii niaj^r/jiie that \ diamet- 
rically opposed to every conventional 
idea, and yet people rend it, and reluc- 
tantly admit that it's true. If you think 
wild-eyed, revolutionary raving upsets 
people, you're wrong. What shocks must 
Americans is the plain, una domed truth. 
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him an infection and a bad cold? 

Nothing is impossible at the CIA. 

3. As a specialise in extraction and 
elimination, Colby is one of those rare 
folk who h both oral und anal -oriented. 
Savors the prospect of "sucking" out 
information from Lhe enemy. Also 
loves to eliminate or "waste" the 
enemy, as he calls it. Hence, no con- 
flict in moral values. Oral and anal 
drives perfectly balanced. No sclw/.y 
sfufl here. This man enjoys his work. 

4. I las he contracted a mre disease? 
Something he picked up in Laos or 
Vietnam in a jungle swamp or a rice 
paddy? The medical boys said no, but 
they don't know everything. The thing 
could be a fungus. 

5- I give up for now. Tm seeing him 
again in two days. 

Two days later. I probe deeper into 
Colby's past fur a clue. On a hunch, 
I ask him how he (eels about Jews. 
Jews and big noses always go to- 
gether. He hesitates for a few seconds 
before answering (the first time he's 
done this)* He answers with the usual 
liberal platitudes about equality* etc., 
etc. But 1 found an opening. Did he 
ever have any contact with Jews as 
a boy? No, he answers. Are you sure? 

At least one ov two Jews at college? 
It seems as if his otherwise superb 
memory is a bit luzzy here. He covers 
his face (and his monstrous nose) with 
his 1 lands and tries hard to remember 
a Jew, There's only one way he can 
remember— if 1 can just "interrogate" 
him a bit he might be able to jog his 
memory. Highly irregular for an analyst 
to torture his patient, but it is an 
emergency. He brings me his fancy 
electrical sniff and a few shots nt the 
wires on his genitals brings it all back, 

"Yes! Yes 1 A Jew 1 Ol course, 1 
remember/* cried Colby. 

My Jewish Problem 
Colby's story 

'Amazing how 1 forgot the whole 
thing. It happened when I was a fresh- 
man at Princeton... it must have been 
1935, '36. I was pledging for one of 
the eating clubs, and in those days 
they put you through a pretty rigorous 
initiation, I remember being blind* 
folded and put in a car and driven for 
a long time. Then I was taken out and 
something was pur in my hand. 1 
couldn't figure out what it was. The 
upperclassmen ordered me to squeeze 
it with all my strength until they 
told me to stop. If I •slop pud, they 

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would bum my hair off. I squeezed 
very hard and heard someone scream 
in pain. But I had to keep squeezing. 
Finally I heard something snap. The 
guys pulled off my blindfold and I had 
a nose in my hand! On the ground 
was a little old man with a long, 
scraggly beard and a funny ser of 
curly sideburns. He was bleeding 
heavily and moaning. 1 had torn oil 
his nose. The guys were ecstatic, 
congratulating me and pounding my 
back. I had just completed my most 
difficult initiation assignment, and I 
would be assured a membership. I had 
produced a genuine Jewish nose, a 
fresh one. There was just one last 
order I had to eat it. You have no 
idea what we went through in those 
days just to be accepted by the 
right crowd. 

"I was told that we were in Brook- 
lyn, in a section called Williamsburg 
(no connection with Williamsburg, 
Virginia, heh, hen). The guys knew 
that Williamsburg had this big colony 
of very orthodox, "very religious Jews 
called Hasultm. Evidently, I had 
squeezed the nose ofl a very promi- 
nent member ol the community, a 
holy man or something- Because the 
next thing I knew, there were about 
twenty of these bearded, black coated 
fellows running after us, screaming; in 
a strange language. As we dived into 
our car, one man pointed a finger ar 
me and chanted something, as if he 
were putting a curse on me. I didn't 
Lake it very seriously. After all, it is 
just a college prank, admittedly a little 
mean, but still just a prank. 1 forgot 
about the whole thing in a few days." 

Colby's story certainly added a new 
dimension to the problem. I know it 
sounds a little strange, but in 1975 
we analysts look at the world of mysti- 
cism and the occult with a lot more 
respect than we used to. There's just 
too much going on in that world tit at 
science can't explain. So the curse put 
on Colby years ago may have finally 
come true. It was pretty simple. Colby 
ripped off the holy man's nose and ate 
it. The other holy man probably told 
Colby that the nose would come back 
to haunt him someday. Hence the 
monstrous pro ruber a nee on his lace 
right now. I'm not saying that I 
believed it. But il there is a God, 
there's no doubt that He works in 
strange ways. Colby sculled at the 
idea, but I had a thought, What ii the 
holy man who cursed him were still 
alive? Maybe Colby could find him 
and get him to take the curse oil and 


i/vj MA'iinMAi i fi\itnr\t\s.t 

Copyright ©2007 National Lampoon Inc. 

Whole Mirth 


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mil tinned 

get his nose back to normal. We 
didn't have much else to go on. Colby 
shrugged and said it wouldn't do any 
harm to try. He'd have someone run 
a check on the Williamsburg colony 
to find out who the Grand Holy Man 
was. I! he was still alive, he would he 
close to ninety. But maybe we can get 
something oui of him with a little e 
and e, he said. 

By now, I figured anything could 
happen, and, of course, the old Holy 
Man was still alive, age eighty-nine, 
and still living in Williamsburg as 
the spiritual leader of the community, 
virtually a saint, a living legend, 
Colby personally arranged for a ''pick- 
up. 1 ' Three of his most trusted 
operatives in the dirty tricks depart- 
ment were disguised as Jfasidijii (they 
w f ere fluent in Yiddish and the books 
of the Torah) and got an audience 
with the Holy Man. They drugged 
his stuffed derma, rendering him un- 
conscious. Unfortunately, in abduct- 
ing him they had to fight their way 
past some unusually brave members of 
the congregation and left a few dead 
and wounded strewn about, Colby 
was furious at the mess they created* 
but at least they got the old man up 
up to the e and e center in McClean, 
Virginia, in one piece. 

The man's name was Rabbi Yehudi 
Ben Hebrew baum. He was a direct 
descendant of the man called the 
Baal Shem Toik the founder of the 
Hasidic sect. Hebrewbaum was 
reputed to possess the same magical 
powers, the same holiness of the 
legendary Baal Shcm. ft was difficult 
to tell how old he was because his 
face was completely covered with a 
dirty pepper-and-salt beard and long, 
curly sideburns called fxiyes. lie 
reminded me of Martin Buber, the 
philosopher. He smelled like a cross 
between an tin washed basketball 
player's jockstrap and a pot of cooked 
cabbage. About a hundred years o\ 
tenement hallways was in that smell 

Colby himself handled the interro- 
gation (through an interpreter, of 
course). Lots of cool, ominous threats, 
careful explanations of how e and e 
works, how painful the interrogation 
can be II the iniormation has to be 
extracted involuntarily. Colby had 
absolutely no qualms about extract- 
ing information from an eighty-nine 
year-old man. It would all be done 
carefully, in correct proportions. But 
the old man was a tough nut, much 
tougher than he looked. Answered 
every question with another question. 

"Who is to say what is true and what 
is false? 11 Or with a parable that no 
one could I olio W. "1 am reminded ol 
the story of the blacksmith and the 
chicken/' Even when Colby attached 
the electrical wires to the old patri- 
arch's genitals (they were huge, with 
the testicles hanging down to his 
knees), he wouldn't give in. With 
each shock wave the old man wailed 
and broke into song, that "biddie, 
hiddie, p f1 stuff from Fiddler on the 
Roof. Eighty-nine years old and as 
tough as a Jerusalem olive tree. 

I If tried other methods. A little 
bribery. ("How would you and your 
congregation like to live in a nice 
little settlement in Georgetown? We 
can arrange it") The old Nazi-style 
extortion ploy, ("We know you have 
many followers in Poland and Russia. 
We could see to It that they escape... 
or... that they are never heard from 

The old man resisted everything. In 
desperation, Colby force- fed him 
pork chops, pork being one of the 
forbidden foods in the Jewish reli- 
gion. But the Grand Rabbi went 
crazy over the stuff and asked if 
he could also try ham, shrimp, and 
lobster. The old man was so saintly 
he was beyond ordinary sinning. He 
could even justify eating pork* Colby 
looked grim. His eyes were washed 
out, his face (not counting the flesh- 
pot of a nose) was pale and sunken. 
He looked almost beaten when he 
said, "My God is just as good as your 
Gotl. Tm going to pray to Him every 
day to cure me of this affliction." 
The Grand Rabbi did his typical 
Jewish shrug (thousands of years of 
oppression and cynicism go into it). 
"Pray in good health, Mr. Colby," 
said the Grand Rabbi. "It took me 
over forty years of steady praying, 
day and night, to make my curse on 
you come true. An eye for an eye, a 
tooth for a tooth, a nose for a nose, 
right? You took away Reb Yankel's 
nose, so I asked God to reincarnate it 
on you, only bigger and fatter. Finally, 
after all these years, He listened to 
me. I prayed too long to get the nose. 
I'm nut going to start a whole megila 
and ask God to take it away. It's too 
much to ask for another favor so soon. 
Resides, I*m an old man and I can't 
pray as long and hard as 1 used to. So 
1 wish you a lot of luck in praying to 
your God. I hope it doesn't take you 
forty years" 

For a time, Colby thought that the 
Grand Rabbi was a Russian agent 

from the KGB. Perhaps the curse was 
actually some kind of secret weapon 
developed by the Soviet scientists, 
a breakthrough in protoplasm research. 
And the Grand Rabbi was the front, 
making Colby believe that the curse 
came from a mystical, religious 
source, The whole thing was an in- 
genious Soviet plan to subvert the 
activities of the CIA by giving its 
director the biggest pimple in the 
work!, slowly driving him insane. 

He was now determined to beat the 
Russians at their own game. He got 
the finest team oi plastic surgeons 
to remuve his nose and install some 
kind of artificial gizmo that looked 
exactly like his old one and was 
guaranteed to work just as well. 
Everything was fine for a month or so 
when the artificial nose started to 
loosen. Colby discovered he could 
pull the thing right oik And behind 
the artificial nose was that monstrous 
pimple, the affliction. It was growing 
again and pushing the plastic nose 
right off his face. And it was growing 
at an even faster rate than before. 
The doctors told Colby there was only 
one thing left. He simply had to shave 
his nose every day. along with the rest 
of his face. Every morning, a team of 
surgeons and nurses would descend 
upon his bathroom, do a complete 
operation, and stick a false nose on 
him. It was expensive, but Colby was 
an old hand at burying extra expenses 
in the CIA budget. About two thou- 
sand a day for nose grooming. We 
taxpayers would hardly feel it. 

The Grand Rabbi is on our side 
now. Colby finally gave up and 
decided to recruit him and use him 
as a double agent. Of course, the old 
man may not have been a Russian 
spy at all. He was delighred to be work- 
ing for Colby, even after all the inter- 
rogation he went through. Something 
about the interrogator and the victim 
forming a love- hate thing. They 
actually liked each other. Colby took 
the Rabbi on derelict hunting trips 
with the Boy Scout troop. He said 
the old man was going to make a fine 
e and e man some day. 

One oi my colleagues in neuro- 
surgery, Sy Spittsbard, has a crazy 
theory that Colby's affliction comes 
Irom some kind of brain damage he 
got from playing around with all 
those electrical wires used for interro- 
gation. Somehow, the electrical im- 
pulses played hell with his nose over 
the years. Go figure thai one our. 
Anything is possible in the CIA.D 

Copyright © 2007 National Lampoon Inc. 

A Cuervicle is not a Clavicle. 

While a Cuerviole is quite invigorating a 
a clavicle is not, unless you're keen on shoulders. 

Which is all right. But, what's a Cuerviole? 

It's a bottle of Cuervo Gold (the one and. 
only) that's been put in your ice box for a minimum 
of 12 hours. And a maximum of 16 years. 

After you take it out, give all your friends 
2 os. of the fresh- from- the freezer Gold in a fresh- 
from-the- cupboard shot glass. 

Then gust sit and sip and talk about bird 
migrations. Or even other subjects* 


Copyright ©2007 National Lampoon Inc. 


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Copyright ©2007 National Lampoon Inc.